Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Stop..... Hammer Time.
M.C. Mallet has been given the authority to make all rugby related decisions at Western Province Rugby Union. Uh huh... so that leaves what? lunch decisions, fashion decisions, which hand to jerk off with decisions? What are the other 40 000 executive employees going to do with their time? I just don't see it. In South African bureaucracy you will never see just one man in charge, there is usually a comity, run by a board, who's decisions are appealed by an enquiry task force. Fucking democracy, the commies had the right idea. Also I hardly ever believe what this douche says.
I know Mallet has done a lot of great things, he won over hearts in Paris, he did a knock out job coaching the Boks (Except for the Teichman incident, which we no longer speak of) but come on. Is he going to turn the woeful Stormers around? If he had ten years and unlimited resources, it'll still just be Breyton Paulse stealing tries from his "teammates" and Luke Watson scowling because someone somewhere fucked up and now it's 3 points. The biggest problem with the Stormers? The franchise has more ego than a full season of "Entourage" everyone wants personal glory, and couldn't give a fuck about the guy next to him. Ironically then you look at the Cheetahs, the proverbial Yin to the Stormers Yang. They're performing out of their skins, each player thinks only of the game in front of him and the players around him. They don't care about their Nivea for Men endorsement deals, or in what color to get that fabulous SUV. They're just rugby players, no more no less. How can I prove this? Even Marius Joubert looks like a team player in this team, whereas at the Stormers he was the biggest Diva of all.
Good luck Mr. Mallett, I don't know how you plan on fixing this little mess, but what ever you do, don't cut Paulse, because then I'd have nothing to write about.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
half assed update.
This is not one of those situations where I say I'm going out for a pack of smokes, and then never return. Leaving you questioning your worth, and later in life turning strippers and alcohol for comfort. I do have a reason for the lack of updates. You see, I am currently mid move between Auckland and Wellington, trading wind for rain in the process. once I'm all set up it will be back to sarcasm and gratuitous nudity.
Even though my TV is half way up the north Island, I still managed to follow the Lions in an unlikely win, the Hurricanes doing their thing at the end of the game (again). And the Stormers getting corn holed (again)
Speaking of the Stormers, They're in my 'hood at the moment, I saw Brent Russel walking back to his hotel, Gerrie Britz, JD Moller, and Francois Van der Merwe heading to Starbucks (Capitalist swine!!) and Juan Harris was Looking for a new phone at an electronics store. (coming to NZ to buy a phone, is like going to the Amazon to buy a car.....a fucking stupid idea.) That was dig at NZ, Juan, not you, you're huge. What this also means is that the enigma that is "Breyton Paulse" is in town. I am determined to get an interview. Even if I have to sneak into his hotel room.
P.S. The Lions dancers are driving me NUTS!!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
I'm Breyton Paulse, BItch!!
Hey there. Yeah I see you looking at me, the blond cherrie in the 10th row. I think I'll smile at he....... o fok, the balls out of the scrum, gotta pay attention. Okay, it's with Grant, Grant passes to Jean. aaaaan Jean gets tackled. Bliksems, I broke my sexy gaze for this?? next time I'm staying put. Okay, quickly recycled, go blind side.... BLIND SIDE!! Joubert jou p**s. There were only two guys on my side, and you know I could have sidestepped them. I once sidestepped a bullet. True Story.
Alriiight, Looks like the ball got turned over, that means I get to show the losers in the stands my widow-making defense. Yep, I once tackled a man so hard his left ass cheek.....aaag fok, missed him. donnerse ref was in my way, the next one is toast though. Looks like Anesi broke the line... no problem, my cheetah-like explosiveness will show him, and I mean cheetah as in the animal, not those homos from Bloemfontein. Pfft, so what if they have a solid super rugby track record, I'm Breyton Paulse bitch! I make the rules. Here I come Anesi you little Fijian bastard......REEEF! Johno Gibbs tripped me, I was about to bulldoze over Anesi with my blistering speed, and then he tripped me!?! Uh Breyton.... Johno Gibbs is back in Hamilton. He's Injured. Well someone tripped me, that's the only reason Anesis' lower torso is still in working order, the only explanation! I'll let it go this time, next time there going to be KAK!!
Scrum 10 yards out, this is my speciality. Come on Diack you glory boy sonofabitch, paas. Okay Russel has it. Russel, If you steal my thunder I'll donner you back to Durban. What's this pocket rocket kak anyway, I'm the rocket, I'm the Sputnik and the Deathstar combined. Okay you beat that guy, big deal, I could've beaten him. Shit I could've beater him while running backwards whistling "hie kommie bokke". 3 Yards to go, Russel I have a shank in my sock, you pass that ball or... GOT IT. Now I just fall down and lap up the praise.....I don't care if it was only 3 yards, no one in South Africa could've made that try, that was what Jake refers to as "X Factor". Should I thank Brent for gifting me a try? Fuck that. I'll do a backflip. Hey Johnno, you sneaky, tripping bastard, can you do a backflip? No I didn't think so. I'll bet I can fuck every girl in Newlands right now.
It's good to be Breyton.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Weekend Roundup
Great weekend to support South African rugby, Unless you're a Bulls fan that is, because then you're like the kid in the class who did not score above %60 in the test and therefore no one gets ice cream. Thanks Bulls, thanks for nothing.
The Sharks 23 - 16 Highlanders
This game was tighter than I expected. Callum Bruce, Callumed his way through the game, again. I'm coining a new phrase by the way:
Callum v., (Callums, Callum-ing, Callumed).
v.tr. 1. To error during a game of rugby union, at a high level of consistency
2. To have a rugby ball collide with ones septum in the act of passing from another player
But the most important aspect of this was the return of the Bob. He wasn't on for very long, But he made a few good tackles, all up I will reserve my judgement untill I see him play at least 60 minutes. This was also the first Super14 game that Frans Steyn started at Flyhalf, he's not bad, I think the more he and Ruaan play outside each other, the more likely they will form the nucleus of the future Springbok team (You like that? Nucleus? yeah. Take that Juffrou Meyer, Turns out I CAN write in English, I just didn't do it back then because I was too cool. Too cool for school in fact.)
also SHARKS ARE TOP OF THE LOG. thank you.
Lions 9 - 3 Crusaders
Who the fuck wrote this screenplay?! And I don't care what Fucking Kent Brockman says.
I Still think this was an unlikely outcome. And before Keo says "oooh, but I picked that the Lions would win this one, la di da." Yeah, you also picked the Bulls to win, you self Righteous fucktard, and look how that worked out. Good game though, This young Lions team, seem to be playing better than most other Cats teams before it, and I think we all know what turned it around. Their new cheerleaders, Holy Shit they're hot, I'd gladly sell my '93 honda for a night of passion with all of them. It has good mileage, and a clever bumper sticker involving a sleepy cat. So you know, see what you can do.
Vodacom Cheetahs 30 - 26 Waratahs
I Stayed up to watch this game, and it was well worth it. The thing I like about the Cheetahs (I have said this before, and I will keep repeating it, like an Alzheimer's patient) is that they're not a team of showboats, There are no "Superstars", they're just a talented bunch of players, led by an inspiring captain, with a competent coach. Sounds pretty simple huh? Why is it no other South African team can do the same.
Reds 3 - 6 Brumbies
I try not to user the word, "SuckFest" too much because it's a great word, and I don't want to nullify it's impact through over use. But this was the fucking Olympics of suckfest. the Lowest scoring game in super rugby history? that's great, It's also the the game with the single highest fan fatality rate caused by chewing off their own wrists.
Hurricanes 23 - 22 Blues
Yeah, this was a pretty good game, They really are a talented pair of teams, They propose, In my humble opinion the two greatest threats to a South African finalist. I'm Kinda glad the Hurricanes won, because now the Sharks are the only unbeaten team. But at the same time, I don't want to give the them any more confidence than I have to. They seem to me to be a very mindset based team. If they're distracted by anything If, for instance, a ninja in a Sharks t-shirt, snuck into their changing rooms and wiped human feces all over their game jerseys I think they might have an off game.
Bulls 27 - 30 Western Force
I watched this game twice, and I still can't understand what happened. The Bulls looked good in the forward battle, not too bad on defence, snuck a couple of good tries in And yet with a few minutes to go I look at the scoreboard, and it's panic stations. I think that's what happened to Matfield too, the flow of the game felt to both of us as if the Bulls were cruising to a victory, and that's what lead to a pretty a bad descision, I suspect this is what happened.
Vic: Boys, we haaf a penalty wif free minutes to go, lets go for de linout, Because I am de MAN wif line outs.
Anton Leonard: Ja, but Vic, shouldn't we looks to the scoreboard, I mean it's very possible, we may not actually be in front.
Vic. Jirre Anton, always wif de details. Okay, You tell me what the score is.
Anton:.................I forgot my glasses at home.
Vic: Line out it is den.
Vodacom Stormers 21 - 15 Chiefs
You know, The Stormers are really starting to piss me off. even when they win against arguably the worst team in the tournament, they still make it look as unconvincing as they can without actually losing. The Stormers represent everything that's wrong with SA Rugby, over hyped ageing super stars (read Bryton Paulse) shit defence, reliance on opportunistic tries. and an all round apathy with regards to the game. What is the difference between a courageous W.P. team, and a bullshit Stormers team................? I don't know, what do I look like, Wonder Woman? If you look at the sum of it's parts, The Stormers appear unbeatable (Brent, Shcalk, Luke, Jean, Britz) and yet when you put them together, you get a cocktail that makes you vomit and induces depression (Screw you depth charge, never again.) I suggest we get the worlds greatest scientists in a Room and force them, at gun point, to figure this out. That's how things get solved in S.A.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Celebrity picks (movie phone guy) pt.2
Hello, and Welcome to Movie Phone. Please press one for This weeks Movies. Press two for......
*beep*
In Cinema four, we take a fascinating look at a world once thought extinct, in the wildlife documentary Reds Vs. Brumbies. Somewhere in the hot Australian outback we meet a specie of homo sapien, scientists have come to call "The Brumbies". Watch, as our camera tracks them through their lives where they interact with each other in 4 letter words, and utilise the high ball as a safety mechanism. They encounter a similar specie Called "The Reds". These species are effectively the same, except mostly for the colour of their bodies, and the little leader of the Brumbies who seems to cause all kinds of grief. Narrated bySteve Irwin Russel Crowe.
In Cinema five we turn back the clock, in the historical epic "The Cheetahs Vs. The Waratahs" In a time when men were men, and women were.... not quite so hell bent on equality, lived a rugged but wealthy farmer named "The Cheetahs". He lived life his way, or the highway. During a particularly violent African storm, a young drifter came knocking in the night. "The Waratahs" was a woman on the run from a past one cannot run from. "The Cheetahs" was a fair man and expected hard work in exchange for food and board, but he did not count on "The Waratahs" creeping into the shallow cracks of his callous heart. Watch as they go from complete strangers to passionate lovers. The only question is, will he be able to deal with it, when her dark past resurfaces. Starring Arnold Vosloo as "The Cheetahs" and Jessica Alba as "The Waratahs".
*beep*
In Cinema four, we take a fascinating look at a world once thought extinct, in the wildlife documentary Reds Vs. Brumbies. Somewhere in the hot Australian outback we meet a specie of homo sapien, scientists have come to call "The Brumbies". Watch, as our camera tracks them through their lives where they interact with each other in 4 letter words, and utilise the high ball as a safety mechanism. They encounter a similar specie Called "The Reds". These species are effectively the same, except mostly for the colour of their bodies, and the little leader of the Brumbies who seems to cause all kinds of grief. Narrated by
In Cinema five we turn back the clock, in the historical epic "The Cheetahs Vs. The Waratahs" In a time when men were men, and women were.... not quite so hell bent on equality, lived a rugged but wealthy farmer named "The Cheetahs". He lived life his way, or the highway. During a particularly violent African storm, a young drifter came knocking in the night. "The Waratahs" was a woman on the run from a past one cannot run from. "The Cheetahs" was a fair man and expected hard work in exchange for food and board, but he did not count on "The Waratahs" creeping into the shallow cracks of his callous heart. Watch as they go from complete strangers to passionate lovers. The only question is, will he be able to deal with it, when her dark past resurfaces. Starring Arnold Vosloo as "The Cheetahs" and Jessica Alba as "The Waratahs".
In Cinema six, it's time to go back to school in the screwball college comedy "Lions Vs. Crusaders". The hapless Lions fraternity just cannot catch a break. By spending their time partying and pulling zany pranks, they now find themselves under the threat of being expelled by the evil faculty, known unofficially as the Crusaders. It's laugh a minute as the Lions find themselves in one crazy situation after another. Can they save their academic lives by fooling the crusaders with a fake spelling bee, while partying the night away in togas, and trying desperately to "do it"? One thing is for sure, you'll leave the cinema with a degree in hilarity!!
Starring John Candy John Belushi Chris Farley ......Larry the Cable guy and Owen Wilson
In Cinema seven, It's all chills and thrills in the Horror "The Sharks vs. The Highlanders". Crystal lake Bay is a quiet beach town with a shocking past. The local teens affectionately named "The Highlanders" live a frivolous life filled with drugs, partying and underage sex. It's all carnal pleasure and opiates, until they realise that something is killing them off, one by one. The old man up the river explains that it is "The Sharks" that hunts them while they copulate. Legend has it the "The Sharks" was a deformed young boy, who built sharp claws in his boiler room, while kidnapping children through a television, and had nails all over his face.......all of that on Halloween, while still remembering what they did last season. Can the children find morality in themselves and defeat the beast, or will they go out humping. Starring Scarlett Johansson, Elisha Cuthbert, and Bruce Campbell as "The Sharks"
Celebrity picks (movie phone guy) pt.1
Hello, and Welcome to Movie Phone. Please press one for This weeks movies. Press two for......
*beep*
In Cinema one we have "Stormers v Chiefs." In this charming romantic comedy, we meet "The Stormers", a goofy, lovable ditz with a heart of gold, who always ends up on the losing end of life. She spends her life aimlessly drifting along from one romance to another, craving only material satisfaction, until she meets the rugged, down on his luck, farm boy, "The Chiefs". At first they can't seem to get along, their fundamental differences proving just too difficult to overcome. But as they are thrown from one kooky adventure to the next, they realise how perfect they are for each other. Starring Reese Witherspoon as The Stormers, and Hugh Jackman as The Chiefs.
In Cinema two we meet Lt. Bulls and his rookie partner Force. Two cops from different backgrounds, forced together in the buddy cop action movie "Bulls Vs. Force". Lt. Bulls is tough, uncompromising and abrasive. Growing up under the African sun has given him the killer instinct that keeps him alive. When Bulls' partner dies on the job, he is assigned to partner up with Force, a wise-cracking city boy, with a flair for theatrics. The two immediately clash and sparks fly, but when an international crime syndicate threatens world peace, they must set aside their differences and do what they do best. Starring the Rock as Lt. Bulls, and Matthew Perry as Force.
In Cinema Three, set your phasers to FUN!! as we embark on the epic Sci Fi journey Blues Vs. Hurricanes. On a planet far, far away called Wellington the solar winds have rendered the landscape barren and lifeless. The neighboring planet Auckland decides to send a small scout ship of 15 space marines to conquer and establish a colony on Wellington, but they found more than they bargained for. It's all out space war as the Auckland space marines encounter the local species of mutants called Hurricanes. Will the Hurricanes fight to Retain their way of life, Or will the Blues' Space marines claim another useless planet? Starring Temuera Morrison, and WWE superstar Rowdy Roddy Piper as the Hurricane mutant 'Tito'. Directed by Peter Jackson.
*beep*
In Cinema one we have "Stormers v Chiefs." In this charming romantic comedy, we meet "The Stormers", a goofy, lovable ditz with a heart of gold, who always ends up on the losing end of life. She spends her life aimlessly drifting along from one romance to another, craving only material satisfaction, until she meets the rugged, down on his luck, farm boy, "The Chiefs". At first they can't seem to get along, their fundamental differences proving just too difficult to overcome. But as they are thrown from one kooky adventure to the next, they realise how perfect they are for each other. Starring Reese Witherspoon as The Stormers, and Hugh Jackman as The Chiefs.
In Cinema two we meet Lt. Bulls and his rookie partner Force. Two cops from different backgrounds, forced together in the buddy cop action movie "Bulls Vs. Force". Lt. Bulls is tough, uncompromising and abrasive. Growing up under the African sun has given him the killer instinct that keeps him alive. When Bulls' partner dies on the job, he is assigned to partner up with Force, a wise-cracking city boy, with a flair for theatrics. The two immediately clash and sparks fly, but when an international crime syndicate threatens world peace, they must set aside their differences and do what they do best. Starring the Rock as Lt. Bulls, and Matthew Perry as Force.
In Cinema Three, set your phasers to FUN!! as we embark on the epic Sci Fi journey Blues Vs. Hurricanes. On a planet far, far away called Wellington the solar winds have rendered the landscape barren and lifeless. The neighboring planet Auckland decides to send a small scout ship of 15 space marines to conquer and establish a colony on Wellington, but they found more than they bargained for. It's all out space war as the Auckland space marines encounter the local species of mutants called Hurricanes. Will the Hurricanes fight to Retain their way of life, Or will the Blues' Space marines claim another useless planet? Starring Temuera Morrison, and WWE superstar Rowdy Roddy Piper as the Hurricane mutant 'Tito'. Directed by Peter Jackson.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
This old man, He played Flank.....
I've heard rumors that Skinstad is set to play for the Sharks this weekend. This will finally settle the question as to whether 30 year olds should still be allowed to play. It's been quite a year for geriatric comebacks, Rocky came out of retirement to fight one last time (hopefully), Sting and the Police reunited and Anton Leonard jumped out of his wheelchair to help the Bulls. All of these attempts were valiant (if not overly successful.) but none of them managed to inspire the same emotion as the first time around. To be fair, it's rare that someone comes out of retirement better, or at least as good as they were, Jordan, Lomu, all tried, all failed. Except, that is, for George Foreman.
For all you younger readers out there, Yes, the fat guy who sells grilling machines. Foreman Attained the rank of World Heavyweight Champion in 1973 beating Joe Frazier. He retired in '77, became a preacher, only to re-enter the ring in 87. He kept losing title fights until 1994 when he knocked out Micheal Moorer in the 10th despite trailing badly on the cards, to take the WBO World heavyweight title at the ripe old age of 45. So before we start making jokes about pensions and reruns of Matlock. We should remember what George Forman said: "This Grill will knock the fat outta that piece of meat!!" Where was I going with this?
Oh yeah, good luck Skinstad, you show those neigh Sayers.
Monday, February 12, 2007
SA Blog awards 2K7.
Doing this, writing about sports, having a conduit to excrete my unpopular opinion. That's a treat in it's own. I don't need any validation, or recognition. Blogging is it's own reward.
Yeah that's Bullshit, please vote for me in the upcoming SA Blog awards. I'm not saying I'm going to do something stupid if I don't get nominated, but I should mention that I have a quart of whiskey and a full bottle of Quaaludes.... I'm just saying is all.
P.S. If you would be so kind, you should also vote for AJ Venters' Blog To hear from actual players is a real treat.
Yeah that's Bullshit, please vote for me in the upcoming SA Blog awards. I'm not saying I'm going to do something stupid if I don't get nominated, but I should mention that I have a quart of whiskey and a full bottle of Quaaludes.... I'm just saying is all.
P.S. If you would be so kind, you should also vote for AJ Venters' Blog To hear from actual players is a real treat.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Weekend Roundup
Another week, and though slightly less dissapointing, still not great. All I want is exciting rugby, wingers scoring tries, centers breakling lines, New Zealanders Losing (at least I got some of that this weekend.) But it's still a long way to go and I suppose I should be thankful that the Sharks are still unbeaten.
Crusaders 33 Reds 22
This was probably the closest it got to a descent game, but since it was an Aus and Nz team I spent most of the night staring at the bar girls' rack rather than the projector. For what it's worth, that was entertaining too. Still the Crusaders were always going to win this one, no surprise.
Stormers 3 Western Force 22
I'm trying to make sense of this, but I am failing. How can a team that on paper looks the strongest (except for maybe the Sharks) and have a wealth..... neigh, a Cornocopia of Springbok talent in their squad, fail to score a single try, AND concede 22 points to a team of nobodies. I am speechless. Look, all I can say is that this is like the beginning of a Rocky movie. He loses, and loses and then due to some life changing event, turns things around and wins the love and admiration of everyone while teaching his oponent a valuable lesson in humanity. So expect a thrilling finale with lots of pumping music, and an oscar to follow.
The Sharks 22 Waratahs 9
This was a pretty good game, I'm still not happy with the ammount of useless kicking downfield, and the terrible option taking. What I am happy with is the defence, At the risk of karmically fucking my team, I'd like to compare this years Sharks to this years' Bears team in the NFL. Not the greatest offensive line in the world, but entirely capable of winning games on defence. And for the record they do not posess a sex cannon (thank God).
Oh and P.S. somebody listened to my request, and brought back the push-up guys. For my next request, I'd like the sharks girls to jello-wrestle naked at half time. Thanks in advance .
Chiefs 32 Hurricanes 39
yeah, not bad, I knew Tana would ultimately be the difference between this and last weeks' 'Canes his innate Tana'ness just seems to elevate the 'Canes. But you know what, I'm seeing a lot of cracks in the NZ teams. The loss of their stars must be a huge psycological blow. Oh well, maybe we'll get a few wins in, and the kiwi's have a reason to moan. everybody wins.
Brumbies 15 Blues 17
The Blues are looking pretty good so far, only them and the Sharks remain unbeaten, and unlike the Sharks, the Blues had to do it against the Crusaders and Brumbies both past Super Rugby winning teams. I think they might end up being a handfull. One thing is for sure, if the Blues do make the finals against an SA team, It will be a cosmic anomally where 3/4 of New Zealand will suppport an SA team, and in doing so will rip hole through time and space. Thanks again New Zealand, Love your work.
Bulls v Cheetahs
Just Like I thought, tough forwards scrapping for ball while the backs looked average. Both teams have such incredible talent in the loose that I can't see too many teams run over them. It has to be said though, what a try by Habanna. Does it make up for a years' worth of mediocrity? probably not, but it was great to watch. I can't wait to see what these two monsters do to the Australasian teams. Remember the last time Ritchie McCaw ran into Richard bands? Neither does he.
Lions 11 Highlanders 6
Well, Well, Well. Look who decided to show. I mentioned that when the Lions win, it's a bit like finding money on the street...... then winning the lottery......... then hooking up with Scarlett Johansson. Not the same level of awesomeness, but the same level of unlikeliness. That is, unless the opposition flyhalf actually gift wraps the win, sends it via registered post, and then calls you up to ask if you received it ok. Callum Bruce had about as bad a game as any human being had in the history of time. Yes his kick offs were a bit short, and his kicking out of hand a bit inaccurate, but missing a pass from your scrumhalf, only for the ball to hit you square in the face? That is karma telling you it really doesn't like you. I suspect that immediately before the game he burned down an orphanage or something. because no man can be that cosmically cursed. If the Lions beat the Crusaders next week,I'm cancelling my insurance, because we are surely on the eve of the apocalypse. (Who am I kidding?........ I don't have insurance.)
Last Though. My God, did you see the Lions cheerleaders? no wonder Callum had such a bad game. In a straight choice between staring at the incredible half naked FeLIONS (not my word by the way) or concentrating on catching and kicking, well... lets just say I would let my scrumhalf's balls hit my face all day long. (Hang on ...What?)
Friday, February 9, 2007
Howzit.
I'm not going to lie to you, I've had allot to drink. I met the Fijian light heavyweight boxing champion tonight. If you were wondering, he reckons Ali wound kick Tysons' ass in a straight fight, and who would disagree, seriously.
Hurricanes won. Just like I said.
good night
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Of Course it's Sports realated
.....She's playing tennis aint she?
Weekend Picks 9/02/07
OK what've we got....
Crusaders v Reds
Hmm, I can't see the Crusaders losing 2 in a row, that would be a world gone Topsy turvy, especially at home. Robbie Deans would shit a brick if his team was fickle enough to fall to pieces after losing one or two players (or like 9).
Stormers v Western Force
Come on. You have to give this one to the Stormers, I mean, I know they play like little girls sometimes, and they consistently piss away all the talent they have at their disposal, and they insist on leaving Russel on the bench in favour of a rookie that can't attack for shit. But it's the Force?!?!?! You could probably grab some hippies off table mountain, stick them on the field, "mid-trip" and they'd still win, (Ok, well draw at least.)
The Sharks v Waratahs
I'm a little concerned about this one. The Sharks did a good job against the Bulls last week, but let's be honest the bulls were shite. I think if Butch has one of his ON days, the 'Tahs might have a hard day. I also think that the rookies in the Sharks team have got those first game jitters out of the way. Watch Kankowski, Pienaar and Steyn make up for the shit they served up last week. I also think that the hottub girls at every Kings Park game (It'll always be Kings Park) will have an effect on the Waratahs. I mean, have you ever tried running around with an erection? I have. (Running around, running away, same thing.)
Chiefs v Hurricanes
I'll give this one to the Hurricanes, but only because Umaga's back. Never under estimate the impact of a strong leader in a Kiwi team. In Fact, when they don't have a strong leader, look what happens (Crusaders anyone).
Brumbies v Blues
I'll have to say Brumbies. They did nothing wrong last week, and even thought the Blues are not bad this year, I guarantee Flavell gets sent off, and the Brumbies capitalise and score the winner. And I guarantee that this is the sexiest sportsbolg in the world. You can take that to the bank.
Bulls v Cheetahs
This is going to be a pretty good clash, both teams have great talent and can more than handle themselves. but I suspect it's going to turn into a cock measuring contest. it's going to be forwards bashing into each other, and backs staring menacingly, while dancing. not a pleasurable viewing experience, but I'll be drunk all the same.
Lions v Highlanders
Sigh... If there's one thing growing up in JoBurg prepares you for, it's a lifetime of disappointment. That's why I can safely bet on the Lions, and if (when) they lose I can welcome my old friend, heartache, back for a few beers. But as Jason Lee once said, "The sweet is never as sweet without the sour" So on the occasions that the Lions do win, birds fly a little slower, the sun shines a little brighter, and pretty girls smile a little longer. those are the days that make the pain worthwhile.
Monday, February 5, 2007
New section.
What Dino Saw. Yes I know it's cheesy, but that's the name of the section. Dino highlights some of the things that happened over the weekend that are either really good, or really bad. in the case of this weekend, Dino wishes he was blind.
Butch James' offload. If he was playing in the NBA that would've been a "Sports Center play of the day" quality assist. He bolted straight. Looked ahead. And flung a no look pass behind his back straight to JP Peterson, who ran it in. Somewhere he developed these little deft touches that are really starting to make a difference. And dino also saw him hit JP Nel like a cruise missile.
Nash thanked Butch for the quality assist.
Schalk Burgers' Absence. I'm not going to go to hard on the guy, Let's face it, he is a fucking legend. And he has spent an awful lot of time playing Xbox, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.
Devin Hester' Kick off return. If you're going to impress people at the biggest event of the year, THAT is how you do it. Too bad Rex (Sex Cannon) Grossman couldn't come to the party.
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Weekend Roundup.
After all the pre season hype and excitement, and soiled underwear, this is the shit I get. This weekends' rugby really did nothing to impress me. I really hope this is what you call a slow start, because if this is what I have to look forward to for the next 12 weeks, I'm going to turn this into a blog about the magical art of self-felatio.
BLUES 34 Crusaders 25
This one made me smile a little. The Crusaders are like the Yankees, I love seeing them lose even if it is to another NZ team. Unfortunately the Blues are like the Yankees also, in that they're arrogant fucks when they win. A better result would've been if both teams succumbed to a 0 - 0 draw due to a 12 week bout of food poisoning.
FORCE 7 Highlanders 8
This game sucked!! I watched some of it at a bar, and made rest up as I was walking home. This game ultimately proved that the Force aren't very good and that the highlanders are slightly better.
LIONS 16 Warratahs 25
Laugh all you want, but the Lions still looked better than most teams this weekend. At least they managed to cross the fucking try line. That's more than I can say for many other teams. And I'm not one to blame referees, I think it's cheap and childish. But that bastard totally screwed them. Chris Grobler gets nailed for the most marginal of obstructions, and then Phill Waugh runs around picking up blocking assignments like a fucking NFL running back, and gets rewarded with a Rocky Elsom Try!!
CHIEFS 15 Brumbies 21
I didn't even watch this one. but from what I heard the real winners were the crowd from Hamilton. That place is like one big trailer park.
REDS 25 Hurricanes 16
Henry must be a little nervous right now. As it turns out removing all of your All Blacks from the Super 14 may impact one or two of the teams. Especially a team that relies almost entirely on AB's for their forward pack. Thankfully the people of Wellington were SO drunk over the weekend, due to the sevens, I don't think many of them even noticed.
SHARKS 17 Bulls 3
I Worked until 3:30AM, Then came home and stayed up until 8AM to watch this suck-fest. I am a reasonable guy. I don't think I'm being overly critical in asking, why can't anyone catch a goddamn rugby ball, and why, for the love of GOD!! are all South Africans stricken with a disease that makes them instinctively kick a ball as soon as they touch it. In the immortal words of Homer Simpson "Those are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked." And all of our SuperStars? exactly, Bryan Habbana is quickly becoming our version of Randy Moss (Promising Rookie, progressively sucks more and more on the way to ignonimity), and Frans Steyn and Ruaan Pienaar showed some pretty bad decision making out there. The only glimmer of hope was Butch James, a fucking sublime off-load was directly responsible for JP Petersons' relatively easy try. The Only thing that sucked more than the game was Ettiene Fynn. However he did get it almost right at halftime, "It's a Hot day out there and I have a feeling the players are going to be blowing in the second half" No No Ettiene, they've been blowing all day long.
CHEETAHS 27 Stormers 9
Being a South African Living in NZ I have the benefit of 5 teams to choose from instead of only one. Sure I have my hometown favourites. but when it comes right down to it I'm just glad when a South African team performs. The Cheetahs performed quite nicely, The Stormers played like overpaid nancy boys. Juan Smith is my Pick for Springbok Captain. He's like Gary Teichman, only faster, and blonder, and plays flank (So not that much then.) the most heart-breaking sight, was that of Brent Russel sitting on the bench while his teammates were getting sodomised. Always a Bridesmaid 'ey Brent.
P.S. What the hell is up with those numbers, It took me half an hour to realise they changed the font, and that it wasn't the yeagermeister talking.
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Danie Gerber
Where did we find him? And can we get another one?
Thanks to Joey from nadoes for unbeknownst to him, supplying me with this marvelous footage.Friday, February 2, 2007
Rum and coke.....yeah, why not.
Firstly, let me get this out of the way... I am hammered. DRONK. I just got back from the sevens, I can't recall any rugby per say. But I do recall 5 ladies dressed like wonder woman. I tried to show them my lasso of truth but they declined.
I do remember the Crusaders getting stuffed, and the Force barely losing to the hicks from Otago. A more coherent report will follow shortly. Before you even need to ask, "who blogs when they're this pissed". I do. And I do this for you, the fans, I dont ask much, the odd beer, maybe a blowjob from the finer female fan. But mostly I do this out of love, love of blow jobs. you have my email address.
Good night.
EDIT: I just got an email from the one of the mighty KSK boys. How cool am I? let's just say scientists cannot calculate that number.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
I almost completely forgot....
Not only is it the SuperBowl, and the start of the Super14 this weekend, it is also the Wellington 7's, right here in uh.. Wellington. I don't know how I managed to miss all the hype though, for Kiwis it's one of the biggest events of the year, second only to the National Sheep Shearing Competition. I took a walk around town at lunch time, and I'll tell you, I have not seen that many slutty nurses, slutty cops and slutty construction worker girls in a long time. (well since my 2 hour special Internet time in the office this morning.)
For those who don't know much about the sevens, it's like this. It's like rugby, but instead of 15 players, each team only has 7. Instead of 40 minutes, each half of rugby only lasts 7 and instead of 10's of millions of people believing in it's authenticity as a sport there are only....7. Don't get me wrong It's a fun event and any social situation that makes it okay for girls to get drunk wearing only togas is totally cool. But I don't really think of it as a legitimate form of rugby. Don't tell the people of Fiji though, other than almost killing Keith Richards (quite impressive, given that all the drugs and guns in the world couldn't even come close), 7's rugby is really the only thing they got.
Of course my stance on this may change if South Africa win it here in Wellington. If so, I will see you bitches on Courtney Place and you will kiss the South African flag painted on my bare white ass.
Bulls on parade
I suppose it is conceivable to fear this current Bulls squad, I mean they boast 13 Springboks, more than any other Super14 franchise. They have, by far, the most impressive track record in Super Rugby. And don't forget they have the mystical mojo of Steve Hofmeyer guiding them. Still I'm not worried, They don't call it the Shark tank for nothing (Obvious reasons aside.) The crowd, spurred on by that little shark midget, should give those Tshwane boys a go. You know what they should bring back though? Those banana boys that did all the push ups when the Sharks scored, and then they should also have them there when the dolphins play cricket (and not just the ODI's) Make those bastards do pushups for 5 days solid, that'll teach them.
Tshwane Bulls:
Johan Roets; Akona Ndungane, JP Nel, Wynand Olivier, Bryan Habana; Derick Hougaard, Fourie du Preez; Anton Leonard, Wikus van Heerden, Pedrie Wannenburg, Victor Matfield (captain), Danie Rossouw, Danie Thiart, Gary Botha, Wessel Roux. Reserves: Derick Kuun, Jaco Engels, Francois van Schouwenburg, Hilton Lobberts, Nicholas Eyre, Morne Steyn, Marius Delport.
SJAAAAKS:
Have not named their team yet. HMMM..... Psyc Warfare. ITS OOOON.