Thursday, March 29, 2007
I've almost recovered from last weeks winning streak coming to an end, but just in case, I have a syringe full of Stroh rum, in case the Sharks decide to fuck me over again. I'm not too worried though, while having put up quite a show this year, the Force don't have what it takes to beat the Sharks. A more pressing concern is the Hurricanes Vs. The Bulls. I so fucking need the Bulls to strap their shit, and win this game. If another Kiwi team sneaks into the top 4 I will crap my pants. I've been working on a bit of an apocalypse theory. Basically I've concluded that the worst case scenario for the year of our Lord 2007, is if, in this order, The Blues win the super14, NZ win the cricket world cup, the All Blacks win the Tri Nations, and then the All Blacks win the the world cup. Have you ever seen an entire country simply explode with its own sense of self worth? If all of those events transpire exactly as mentioned, the two islands of New Zealand will erupt into a supernova of tears and semen, which will set off a chain of astrological events that will bring an end to life as we know it. I don't mean to place too much pressure on The Sharks and the Bulls, but by snatching the Super14 title from a Kiwi team they will be directly responsible for saving the world. Right now they're like Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck and the other astronauts in Armageddon (which won the Oscar for most awesome movie ever, by the way.)
The Chiefs Blues game is another shining example of a chance for world order to be restored. Don't get me wrong, I don't Like Hamilton, or Hamiltonians for that matter, in fact I'd rather get teabagged by Lawrence Sphaka and Ollie Le Roux simultaneously than spend another minute there, but by beating the Blues, The Chiefs will rob them of vital points, opening the way for an SA home semi. The Last game this weekend is the Lions v The Brumbies. The Lions have become like that opening band you see before a Concert, not why you came or releveant to the over all outcome, but a pleasant surprise that gets you foot tapping. I hope they beat the Brumbies, if only to exact some revenge for last week. I now hate the Brumbies, but I'm a pretty hateful guy so that's just one of many.
On a side note, I am the only contributor to this site, I am the emperor, I am the master and I am the King. And while my one-sided contemptuous narrative fills me with much glee. I have decided to open my kingdom and accept differing opinions. I will allow someone to, I suppose, guest post on my blog. I think it's important to allow divergent opinions to be broadcast, other wise we'd be no better than the commies, and look at them now. So if you feel like it, you may submit a story or round up or porn or anything really, to counterruck@blogspot.com I retain editorial privilege but I am easily pleased.
Monday, March 26, 2007
prove my hypothesis
I had a bad feeling this was going to happen. In fact I got my bad feeling right after I clicked publish on the last post. I dismissed the Brumbies out of hand and worried instead about the Blues or Force. You know what they call that? COCS, (Compulsive Optimistic Crusader Syndrome).
COCS is a Psychiatric disorder that affects many of us, and is the primary killer amongst males aged 16 - 70 in the South Island. It's a slow starting disorder, but symptoms are often visible in the first few weeks. Early signs include lack of sickening feeling after kick off, disproportionate criticism to opposing team as opposed to the usual 100% hatred towards your own team, and the ability to go get a beer at a leisurely pace without fearing the end of the world happening in the few seconds you're gone. It was the general belief in the 14th and 15th centuries that those who experienced overwhelming optimism towards their sporting teams were possessed by the devil. It was only in 2002 during the Super12 season when the Crusaders were comprehensively beaten by the Stormers (also attributed to being the work of the devil) that people connected the blind optimism of the Crusaders fans to some sort of mental illness, Hence the name. COCS however is by no means only for Crusaders Fans. COCS has claimed many lives, All Blacks fans have succumbed many times, in the mid 90's there was a major COCS problem for Man Utd. fans, and Yankees fans by and large are pretty much born with it. COCS is especially fatal when allowed to grow to unsafe proportions, displaying such concerning symptoms as, not entertaining the notion of losing, not seeing ones own teams faults and getting a tattoo of the team logo. With COCS, as with many mental illnesses, there's a feeling of invincibility and supreme highs, followed by depression and suicidal tendencies, usually the result of a winning streak coming to an end. No cure currently exists for COCS. Due to the nature of the disorder, patients feel cured after a painful come down, but this is merely masking the true emotion of desperate hope. Patients will try to tell you that, they don''t care anymore, or that they don't like this sport anymore. or a particular favourite among the severely affect (kiwis) " We didn't lose because 'insert favourite excuse here' caused this." When really their COCS is simply dormant until awoken by the next, slightest hint of victory. There is hope for sufferers though. Through countless hours of trial and error, Scientists have devised a treatment plan for the severely affected. While no cure exists, every effort is made to preserver the patients quality of life. For most sufferers a course of heinekinetine ( common name Beer) is more than sufficient, but in some severe cases large ammounts of Scothchamine or Mexicanshitoplax (Whiskey and Teuila respectively) have been known to help. Further studies in the causes and cures (especially the latter) are being conducted as we speak, and vast amounts of money is being donated to this cause. There is hope.
In case you were wonder yeah the Sharks put a nice little end to their winning streak. Since I am at an eb in my fandom I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that they lose every remaining match and get rocket out of the this years super 14 faster than the Breyton Paulse can sidestep the taxman.
COCS is a Psychiatric disorder that affects many of us, and is the primary killer amongst males aged 16 - 70 in the South Island. It's a slow starting disorder, but symptoms are often visible in the first few weeks. Early signs include lack of sickening feeling after kick off, disproportionate criticism to opposing team as opposed to the usual 100% hatred towards your own team, and the ability to go get a beer at a leisurely pace without fearing the end of the world happening in the few seconds you're gone. It was the general belief in the 14th and 15th centuries that those who experienced overwhelming optimism towards their sporting teams were possessed by the devil. It was only in 2002 during the Super12 season when the Crusaders were comprehensively beaten by the Stormers (also attributed to being the work of the devil) that people connected the blind optimism of the Crusaders fans to some sort of mental illness, Hence the name. COCS however is by no means only for Crusaders Fans. COCS has claimed many lives, All Blacks fans have succumbed many times, in the mid 90's there was a major COCS problem for Man Utd. fans, and Yankees fans by and large are pretty much born with it. COCS is especially fatal when allowed to grow to unsafe proportions, displaying such concerning symptoms as, not entertaining the notion of losing, not seeing ones own teams faults and getting a tattoo of the team logo. With COCS, as with many mental illnesses, there's a feeling of invincibility and supreme highs, followed by depression and suicidal tendencies, usually the result of a winning streak coming to an end. No cure currently exists for COCS. Due to the nature of the disorder, patients feel cured after a painful come down, but this is merely masking the true emotion of desperate hope. Patients will try to tell you that, they don''t care anymore, or that they don't like this sport anymore. or a particular favourite among the severely affect (kiwis) " We didn't lose because 'insert favourite excuse here' caused this." When really their COCS is simply dormant until awoken by the next, slightest hint of victory. There is hope for sufferers though. Through countless hours of trial and error, Scientists have devised a treatment plan for the severely affected. While no cure exists, every effort is made to preserver the patients quality of life. For most sufferers a course of heinekinetine ( common name Beer) is more than sufficient, but in some severe cases large ammounts of Scothchamine or Mexicanshitoplax (Whiskey and Teuila respectively) have been known to help. Further studies in the causes and cures (especially the latter) are being conducted as we speak, and vast amounts of money is being donated to this cause. There is hope.
In case you were wonder yeah the Sharks put a nice little end to their winning streak. Since I am at an eb in my fandom I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that they lose every remaining match and get rocket out of the this years super 14 faster than the Breyton Paulse can sidestep the taxman.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
we're going back marty, back to the future.....
So I'm feeling especially buoyant today, it could be the nice sunny day in Auckland, or it could be the draino that I use to cut my crack, but one thing is for sure , that helicopter is waaaay to fucking close to my window.
So anyway. instead of half assing my way through another weekend preview where I waste both mine and your time by starting off with predictions and ending up with incoherent ramblings, instead I'm going to focus on the foreseeable future of the South African Teams. I will again omit all forms of statistical analysis, expert research and journalistic integrity and focus instead on conjecture, personal attacks and pictures of half naked women. Time magazine has their way, I have mine.
Stormers.
The Stormers next face the Crusaders at home, they will be given a statistical chance of winning somewhere in the 100ths of a percent. They will defy the odds by actually showing up in the first place, after which they will get cornholed in a big way. They will go on to lose every last one of their next couple of games except for the one against the Sharks . Thereby they not only qualifying as one of the worst SA sides, but also end up fucking it up for the Sharks. Breyton Paulse will get caught driving his Aston Martin at 200 kph down the N2 with 3 hookers and a 4 kilo bag of coke, and will subsequently be awarded with the Cape Town medal of awsomeness.
Cheetahs
The Cheetahs have a bye week, so that means 22 cowboys drunk on ricky lowe, driving around in their hiluxes firing their guns in the air. But at least they'll be doing it as a team. They strike me as the sort of team that drinks together in a bar, one gets into a fight, and then all out hilarity ensues in the form of a great big bar brawl. The captain and 5 of his closest fiends will sit in a jail cell nursing black eyes and bleeding lips. In the end the coach will bail them out they'll have a good old chuckle and win the state championship. (I may have confused my prediction with the plot of every sports film I've ever seen)
Lions
The Lions will absolutely beat the Hurricanes and the Brumbies putting themselves in with a shot at the top 4. only to get nailed by their South African counterparts the Bulls. Once again the African in-fighting will be our undoing, why can't we all just get along? In my perfect future I see everyone just....... no wait, actually all I see is me getting freaky with every one of the FeLions at the same time in a sweaty drunken mess of lithe bodies and lubrication. In my more immediate future I see me having to go to my sexual harassment meeting sporting an engorged penis.
Bulls
They face the Highlanders next, with their full contingent of All Blacks, which equates to 2 fat guys. I figure they'll notch up another win. After that, the Hurricanes, Stormers Lions and Reds, all victories, all ugly, especially the one against the Stormers (not as ugly as last year mind you.) They'll crack the Top 4 which will be awesome, but they'll probably have to go to either Perth or Auckland for the semis. Both places are positively overflowing with expats, meaning a big night on the town, meaning slow hungover Bulls. A not too disgraceful exit from the Super14. Anton Leonard will probably buy a nice little retirement home on the North Shore of Auckland and that would mean that for the next 10 years of super14 he wont have to travel so much to get to the away games.
Sharks
The Sharks are going to beat the Brumbies (duh), after which their Travel period starts. Traditionally the Sharks have not traveled well, However traditionally the Sharks had a midget halfwit for a coach. I think that of the remaining games, they will drop either the Force game (Because everyone seems to just fucking love the force this year) or The Blues (Because that's the game I'm going to, and Karma doesn't like to pass up opportunities to fuck me over.) That said, they'll still be on track for a home semi, until they get dicked by the Stormers in the one game they actually play coherently. Luke Watson will be all like "Ja, you know the team pulled together and uh.. stuck to the game plan and uh... Ja, we came away with the win. I just want to say thanks to all the fans who stuck with in the season.. thanks Joel." Thank you very fucking much captain courageous. You play shit all year long, barely scraping past a Waratahs side that actually wanted to lose just to prove that Tuqiri is an overpaid cock, lose to just about everyone else, until a South African side is in with a shot at our first Super14 title and you piss on our collective battery. Sharks to play the final in Chrischurch, and lose because they can't see the fuckin ball.
So there you go, profanity aside I think that's a fair reflection of the rest of the season. It may be a little negative, but what can I say? the truth hurts, almost as much as a restraining order and sodomy.
So anyway. instead of half assing my way through another weekend preview where I waste both mine and your time by starting off with predictions and ending up with incoherent ramblings, instead I'm going to focus on the foreseeable future of the South African Teams. I will again omit all forms of statistical analysis, expert research and journalistic integrity and focus instead on conjecture, personal attacks and pictures of half naked women. Time magazine has their way, I have mine.
Stormers.
The Stormers next face the Crusaders at home, they will be given a statistical chance of winning somewhere in the 100ths of a percent. They will defy the odds by actually showing up in the first place, after which they will get cornholed in a big way. They will go on to lose every last one of their next couple of games except for the one against the Sharks . Thereby they not only qualifying as one of the worst SA sides, but also end up fucking it up for the Sharks. Breyton Paulse will get caught driving his Aston Martin at 200 kph down the N2 with 3 hookers and a 4 kilo bag of coke, and will subsequently be awarded with the Cape Town medal of awsomeness.
Cheetahs
The Cheetahs have a bye week, so that means 22 cowboys drunk on ricky lowe, driving around in their hiluxes firing their guns in the air. But at least they'll be doing it as a team. They strike me as the sort of team that drinks together in a bar, one gets into a fight, and then all out hilarity ensues in the form of a great big bar brawl. The captain and 5 of his closest fiends will sit in a jail cell nursing black eyes and bleeding lips. In the end the coach will bail them out they'll have a good old chuckle and win the state championship. (I may have confused my prediction with the plot of every sports film I've ever seen)
Lions
The Lions will absolutely beat the Hurricanes and the Brumbies putting themselves in with a shot at the top 4. only to get nailed by their South African counterparts the Bulls. Once again the African in-fighting will be our undoing, why can't we all just get along? In my perfect future I see everyone just....... no wait, actually all I see is me getting freaky with every one of the FeLions at the same time in a sweaty drunken mess of lithe bodies and lubrication. In my more immediate future I see me having to go to my sexual harassment meeting sporting an engorged penis.
Bulls
They face the Highlanders next, with their full contingent of All Blacks, which equates to 2 fat guys. I figure they'll notch up another win. After that, the Hurricanes, Stormers Lions and Reds, all victories, all ugly, especially the one against the Stormers (not as ugly as last year mind you.) They'll crack the Top 4 which will be awesome, but they'll probably have to go to either Perth or Auckland for the semis. Both places are positively overflowing with expats, meaning a big night on the town, meaning slow hungover Bulls. A not too disgraceful exit from the Super14. Anton Leonard will probably buy a nice little retirement home on the North Shore of Auckland and that would mean that for the next 10 years of super14 he wont have to travel so much to get to the away games.
Sharks
The Sharks are going to beat the Brumbies (duh), after which their Travel period starts. Traditionally the Sharks have not traveled well, However traditionally the Sharks had a midget halfwit for a coach. I think that of the remaining games, they will drop either the Force game (Because everyone seems to just fucking love the force this year) or The Blues (Because that's the game I'm going to, and Karma doesn't like to pass up opportunities to fuck me over.) That said, they'll still be on track for a home semi, until they get dicked by the Stormers in the one game they actually play coherently. Luke Watson will be all like "Ja, you know the team pulled together and uh.. stuck to the game plan and uh... Ja, we came away with the win. I just want to say thanks to all the fans who stuck with in the season.. thanks Joel." Thank you very fucking much captain courageous. You play shit all year long, barely scraping past a Waratahs side that actually wanted to lose just to prove that Tuqiri is an overpaid cock, lose to just about everyone else, until a South African side is in with a shot at our first Super14 title and you piss on our collective battery. Sharks to play the final in Chrischurch, and lose because they can't see the fuckin ball.
So there you go, profanity aside I think that's a fair reflection of the rest of the season. It may be a little negative, but what can I say? the truth hurts, almost as much as a restraining order and sodomy.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Behold this number, for it is the number of a man
I know this is relatively old news, but it's worth mentioning none the less. The first player to ever manage 6 6'es in an over (in an international match) is a South African. Not just any South African, the same one that was instrumental in securing the highest ever runs chase in an ODI. Imagine if we did get rid of him after that whole pot smoking or match fixing debacle. whew.
Well done Hersh, you deserve a fat zol for that effort.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
mid season panic
I am a worried man, and I'll tell you why. I went to a fancy bar to watch the Lions game. My mistake, because apparently it is customary at a fancy bar to play the rugby on a TV but have the sound muted, and blare gay club anthems vol.1 over the stereo. There was something ironic about watching the Lions get raped to the tune of "Boys of Summer". The Lions lost (Badly) But that's not why I am worried. On Saturday I watched the Bulls get mangled by the Crusaders. I have to say I held out hope that the Bulls might take this one, and if they were ever going to beat the Crusaders at home, this was it, they will never ever have it this good again. Again not the reason I am filled with sickening dread. I was at a Braai and already well into my grossly overpriced pack of castles, so the Stormers Waratahs game flew by in a confusing blur. In the end the Stormers won, and I was drunk . One of those outcomes is very likely the other, a nice surprise, I'll let you decide.
It wasn't until I woke up on Sundaymorning late afternoon, when it dawned on me why I am so perturbed. It had nothing to do with the fact that the Castle Lagers I paid a hefty ransom for were actually brewed during the apartheid years and only just made it to NZ for me to buy (Do you have any idea the hangover you get from 13 year old beer?) No I'd already made peace with that. Usually when the Sharks play a 3 am game and I'm too tired drunk to watch, I wake up in the morning sick with the prospect that they may have lost. Without fail, I will wake up on a Sunday, and as soon as I figure out where I am I'll start to piece together the previous night and immediately fear for the Sharks. First however I'll mentally draught up apologetic emails, I even have a template set up.
But I digress, The reason I am so concerned, is that once I had worked through my personal disgrace, there was no concern for the Sharks. The possibility of their loss was never even a factor. And that, dear friends, is what is wrong. I have lost my predisposition to losing. Which only means that the universe is lining me up for a big surprise. I've seen what Crusader fans look like when their team loses. it's like someone turned off the sun. they're bewildered, crying, chewing on their own legs. that sort of shit. Whereas losing used to be a certainty and winning a nice surprise, I now don't think I can deal with a loss Luckily we're playing the Brumbies next, so no problem there.
It wasn't until I woke up on Sunday
But I digress, The reason I am so concerned, is that once I had worked through my personal disgrace, there was no concern for the Sharks. The possibility of their loss was never even a factor. And that, dear friends, is what is wrong. I have lost my predisposition to losing. Which only means that the universe is lining me up for a big surprise. I've seen what Crusader fans look like when their team loses. it's like someone turned off the sun. they're bewildered, crying, chewing on their own legs. that sort of shit. Whereas losing used to be a certainty and winning a nice surprise, I now don't think I can deal with a loss Luckily we're playing the Brumbies next, so no problem there.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Weekend Preview
I've got a little time on my hands, so I thought I' do a Preview for the games this weekend. I figured what the fuck, the five people reading this expect me to write about Rugby every now and then, and since we're in the middle of the biggest rugby tournament (franchise tournament, that is) in the world. I might as well write some shit.
So we got Chiefs v Lions. I've grown to love the Lions a bit during this season (until they fuck up, then it's back to chamber of mediocrity) And the chiefs are so bad, so very bad. that I'm going to give this one to the Lions. On the the subject of the Lions I would like to do an in depth special report on the FeLions. If anyone has any info send it to counterruck@gmail.com, their likes, dislikes, phone numbers, pre-disposition to nude photography. You know, that sort of thing. who knows I might send you a special gift for your troubles. (I may also take your info, and completely ignore you. the more likely outcome.)
Western Force v Reds ....... Ugh, it's so hard making the effort of a prediction when I couldn't give a flying chocolate covered fuck about either team. So go on reds, win this one and further divide the lower end of the table.
Crusaders v Vodacom Bulls. In previous years if you had said to me "Bulls Vs Crusaders at Christchurch" I would've smiled, finished my drink, and jumped in front of a bus. because that is a lose lose scenario. However. this season with it's lack of AB's and the crowding of the top end of the table by South African teams. every beaten NZ team equals more possibility of an SA super 14 trophy. So I hope the Bulls bury the Crusaders. I'm still keeping an eye on that bus though.
Waratahs v Vodacom Stormers. Fuck you Stormers. You make me retract a perfectly legitimate post on your apathy and uselessness by Forrest Gumping your way past a sleeping Hurricanes side. Then you smile sneakily at me while you get reamed by the Brumbies, reamed I tell you. So why don't you go ahead and get fucked by the 6 million dollar man. see if I care.
(I apologise for the overwhelming use of anal sex metaphors. You see the reason, is that I live in Auckland now and it's a very real part of life in the big city.)
Vodacom Cheetahs v Brumbies. I have only once hoped the Cheetahs lose, and that was against the Sharks, for which I can be forgiven. But now I hope they break the Brumbies. It's all mathematical, and in my days as an NSA spook, let me tell you, mathematics can save lives. and that is what it's all about. That, and doing one of the FeLions. (Seriously, you got the address, let me know.)
The Sharks v Hurricanes. No surprises here. I think the Hurricanes are good, but they're playing against the top team in the league, they're away from home, they're all walking around Gateway mall bewildered at the amount of hot girls, and that fiery red thing in the sky. I say half of them don't even show up for the game, let alone keep their mind on playing.
So, there you have it, I didn't predict winners, I didn't give any facts or stats, I didn't really get anywhere to be honest. Some say that, that is the reason why I did not get a SA Blog Awards nomination. That may be true, but the day I need facts or opinions or grammar or literacy to write my blog, that day my friends, is the day the terrorists win.
P.S. those awards SUCK. half the blogs on there don't even write their own shit, they plagiarize and re post and...... I am not bitter, nu uh. not even.
Share it fairly but dont take a slice of my pie.
What the the hell is Lote Tuqiri going to do with 6 million dollars? First he's going to call up Wendell Sailor and go on the worlds biggest coke and hooker binge. Then he's going to go home and Wonder exactly what he did to deserve this obscene amount of money. He played shit, assaulted one of his team mates on the field, and got 6 mil, Shit! by that logic Corne Krige should be a billionaire by now.
I think I know exactly what happened. The ARU were embarrased at losing Matt Rogers to league, and when Tuiqiri advised them of his own intentions to bolt, they said "Fuck that! I'll be damned if we lose another Wallaby to those glorified touch rugby players. They promised him a million? We'll make it 6 million. And throw in a few t-shirts as well, just to sweeten the deal." All the while Tuqiri is sitting at home watching the progress on the news, masturbating furiously to the idea of getting paid over a million dollars a year for 80 minutes of work a week. I feel sick.
But as they said in the Bible, the ARU giveth, and the ARU taketh away. Days after handing Tuqiri total financial freedom, they gave Clyde Rathbone and Mark Gerrard a nice big "fuck you" in the form of a paycut, presumably to even out the chequebook. It's almost poetic that they did it so soon, and even kept it in the winger department. "Okay boys we got 7 million to spend on wingers, so we've just given Tuqiri 6 of that. The rest we'll divide up evenly." And don't even try to tell me Tuqiri is worth that much more than Rathbone, they're wingers for fuck sake, if they see the ball 4 times in a game they've been busy.
What they could've done with the money.
5. Bribed every team in the world cup. and take it for an unprecedented 3rd time.
4. invested in teleportation research to help combat jetlag in while playing in SA.
3. Bought Loftus (home field advantage for ever.)
2. Bought lunch for Matt Dunning.
1. Pay a team of scientists to regenerate Nick Farr Jones, Michael Lynagh, John Eales and Tim Horan back to their youthful best.
I can just imagine Lote walking into his changing room,
"Hey guys, what's happening?"
-Silent Angry Stares-
"Nice day out there huh? good day for training"
"What's going on?.... hey!...... let go of me!......... heelp!"
-Lote gets violently sodomised by the entire Wallaby team (Which is not that painful, until it's Georgie Gregan's turn.)-
6 Million dollars is not as much fun when you can't control you bowel movements, or sit down.
Monday, March 12, 2007
the ultimate half-assed update.
I can only but apologize for the lack of updates, you see, I hauled all my shit from one end of the island to the other, like those lovely people from LOST I have braved weather, terrain, and the OTHERS (blues fans). to bring you this update. I 'm going to go on record and say that Auckland games should be considered home games for all SA teams. I have been here 4 days and I have met TEN South Africans. Fucking TEN!?! I didn't even meet that many when I was in Durban. But that's a good thing. In Wellington I fought a lonely battle against African sporting oppression, I have only just linked up with the rest of the resistance. Though I'll probably find out they're all Stormers fans and they'll hate me more than they hate the Kiwis.No time for a weekend roundup, Stormers sucked again, Lions didn't suck, but were below par. Sharks were incendiary (it's a word!), and the Bulls were.......... well, Bulls. Habbana made a welcome cameo though. good for him I say, good for him.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
is this it?
Having supported just about every South African sporting team known to man. (including that awkward roman grecco wrestling event.) I can show you a lifetime of despair and near misses. Let's face it, in my adult life, SA sport (rugby in particular) has not displayed a satisfactory statistical curve. Far too often have we been the victims of failure and mediocrity. There have been exceptions, the 95 RWC, that incredible cricket match. but more often than not the rub of the green has sodomised us. What that does to your psyche, is give you a sort of predisposition to failure. "We lost 49 -0?" eh, I can believe that. "We killed and ate the opposition coach" sure, why not. But what it also does is leave you not knowing how to deal with success. Example? this past weekend.
I watched the Cheetahs draw with the Chiefs, the WORST team in super rugby, and I figured "here we go....again." Then the Stormers beat the Hurricanes. Wow, that's very impressive, and very useful, points wise, but we've just cashed in all our karma chips, the rest of the teams are fucked. Then the Bulls beat the Brumbies, away from home. I thought, uh oh, we're dipping into next weeks karma now. Still, a welcome sight. Then I started to panic, the Lions beat the reds, also away from home! The Lions never win away from home, what manner of warlock is responsible for such parlour tricks.
So it's 2AM the Sharks, unbeaten, are about to face the 6 time champions, and we've already made 3 deals with the devil, we have no more souls to give. So we're facing an end to the unbeaten run, right? WELL, so it seemed. The Sharks did just about everything to lose that game, missed chances, aimless kicks, you name it, they did it. Trailing by 6 with no time left, Adi Jacobs breaks free, unloads to Ndungane for a questionable try in the corner. Aah well, good effort, but history has proven that if we can get fucked at a crucial moment, we inevitably will. TMO says try awarded!?!, really? but why? OOH I know why, because it will be a much more dramatic ass-reaming if the kicker misses the kick for the winning points. I forget that there are people supposed to enjoy our misery. See young Ruaan lining up? that's a one in a million kick and he's just going to do it, in overtime for the game. Sure. He's about to become this generations' Ray Finkle. Laces out? And then........he nails it! A cold sweat erupts in me as I await the coming of the four horsemen. surely these victories are blatant heresy, an act against God. How can a week of super rugby go by with no South African Losses?
All I know is that the sky did not turn to blood, the demon did not arise from the seas, and there are 3 SA sides in the top four. On a related note if anyone gave birth over this weekend, please, please check you childs' head for the number 666, I don't mean to scare you but you may have spawned the anti-christ.
I watched the Cheetahs draw with the Chiefs, the WORST team in super rugby, and I figured "here we go....again." Then the Stormers beat the Hurricanes. Wow, that's very impressive, and very useful, points wise, but we've just cashed in all our karma chips, the rest of the teams are fucked. Then the Bulls beat the Brumbies, away from home. I thought, uh oh, we're dipping into next weeks karma now. Still, a welcome sight. Then I started to panic, the Lions beat the reds, also away from home! The Lions never win away from home, what manner of warlock is responsible for such parlour tricks.
So it's 2AM the Sharks, unbeaten, are about to face the 6 time champions, and we've already made 3 deals with the devil, we have no more souls to give. So we're facing an end to the unbeaten run, right? WELL, so it seemed. The Sharks did just about everything to lose that game, missed chances, aimless kicks, you name it, they did it. Trailing by 6 with no time left, Adi Jacobs breaks free, unloads to Ndungane for a questionable try in the corner. Aah well, good effort, but history has proven that if we can get fucked at a crucial moment, we inevitably will. TMO says try awarded!?!, really? but why? OOH I know why, because it will be a much more dramatic ass-reaming if the kicker misses the kick for the winning points. I forget that there are people supposed to enjoy our misery. See young Ruaan lining up? that's a one in a million kick and he's just going to do it, in overtime for the game. Sure. He's about to become this generations' Ray Finkle. Laces out? And then........he nails it! A cold sweat erupts in me as I await the coming of the four horsemen. surely these victories are blatant heresy, an act against God. How can a week of super rugby go by with no South African Losses?
All I know is that the sky did not turn to blood, the demon did not arise from the seas, and there are 3 SA sides in the top four. On a related note if anyone gave birth over this weekend, please, please check you childs' head for the number 666, I don't mean to scare you but you may have spawned the anti-christ.
SUPER SCARY UPDATE:
Am I right or what?!?! I read this link after posting this. Trust the SA teams to awaken the beast with their winning ways. Baie fokken dankie
Friday, March 2, 2007
erm. yeah so about that whole Mallett thing...
Sigh. It's never a pleasant task to retract a statement, but it is my duty as an opinionated South African sport supporter to recant my previous sentiment.
The Stormers, after pissing away 4 weeks of rugby, came back to stun one of the hottest looking teams 17 - 30 AWAY FROM HOME. A mere 4 days after I posted about their ego and apathy. I was wrong, and I will gladly sleep with the cheerleader pictured above to make up for it. That is how committed I am to keeping it real. Does that make me a hero? some might say so.
The Stormers, after pissing away 4 weeks of rugby, came back to stun one of the hottest looking teams 17 - 30 AWAY FROM HOME. A mere 4 days after I posted about their ego and apathy. I was wrong, and I will gladly sleep with the cheerleader pictured above to make up for it. That is how committed I am to keeping it real. Does that make me a hero? some might say so.
Now there is only one thing left to do..... You suck Sharks, you'll never win, you're egotistical and apathetic...... let's see if that works.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Courtney place to stir some shit.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Courtney place to stir some shit.