Thursday, March 22, 2007
we're going back marty, back to the future.....
So I'm feeling especially buoyant today, it could be the nice sunny day in Auckland, or it could be the draino that I use to cut my crack, but one thing is for sure , that helicopter is waaaay to fucking close to my window.
So anyway. instead of half assing my way through another weekend preview where I waste both mine and your time by starting off with predictions and ending up with incoherent ramblings, instead I'm going to focus on the foreseeable future of the South African Teams. I will again omit all forms of statistical analysis, expert research and journalistic integrity and focus instead on conjecture, personal attacks and pictures of half naked women. Time magazine has their way, I have mine.
Stormers.
The Stormers next face the Crusaders at home, they will be given a statistical chance of winning somewhere in the 100ths of a percent. They will defy the odds by actually showing up in the first place, after which they will get cornholed in a big way. They will go on to lose every last one of their next couple of games except for the one against the Sharks . Thereby they not only qualifying as one of the worst SA sides, but also end up fucking it up for the Sharks. Breyton Paulse will get caught driving his Aston Martin at 200 kph down the N2 with 3 hookers and a 4 kilo bag of coke, and will subsequently be awarded with the Cape Town medal of awsomeness.
Cheetahs
The Cheetahs have a bye week, so that means 22 cowboys drunk on ricky lowe, driving around in their hiluxes firing their guns in the air. But at least they'll be doing it as a team. They strike me as the sort of team that drinks together in a bar, one gets into a fight, and then all out hilarity ensues in the form of a great big bar brawl. The captain and 5 of his closest fiends will sit in a jail cell nursing black eyes and bleeding lips. In the end the coach will bail them out they'll have a good old chuckle and win the state championship. (I may have confused my prediction with the plot of every sports film I've ever seen)
Lions
The Lions will absolutely beat the Hurricanes and the Brumbies putting themselves in with a shot at the top 4. only to get nailed by their South African counterparts the Bulls. Once again the African in-fighting will be our undoing, why can't we all just get along? In my perfect future I see everyone just....... no wait, actually all I see is me getting freaky with every one of the FeLions at the same time in a sweaty drunken mess of lithe bodies and lubrication. In my more immediate future I see me having to go to my sexual harassment meeting sporting an engorged penis.
Bulls
They face the Highlanders next, with their full contingent of All Blacks, which equates to 2 fat guys. I figure they'll notch up another win. After that, the Hurricanes, Stormers Lions and Reds, all victories, all ugly, especially the one against the Stormers (not as ugly as last year mind you.) They'll crack the Top 4 which will be awesome, but they'll probably have to go to either Perth or Auckland for the semis. Both places are positively overflowing with expats, meaning a big night on the town, meaning slow hungover Bulls. A not too disgraceful exit from the Super14. Anton Leonard will probably buy a nice little retirement home on the North Shore of Auckland and that would mean that for the next 10 years of super14 he wont have to travel so much to get to the away games.
Sharks
The Sharks are going to beat the Brumbies (duh), after which their Travel period starts. Traditionally the Sharks have not traveled well, However traditionally the Sharks had a midget halfwit for a coach. I think that of the remaining games, they will drop either the Force game (Because everyone seems to just fucking love the force this year) or The Blues (Because that's the game I'm going to, and Karma doesn't like to pass up opportunities to fuck me over.) That said, they'll still be on track for a home semi, until they get dicked by the Stormers in the one game they actually play coherently. Luke Watson will be all like "Ja, you know the team pulled together and uh.. stuck to the game plan and uh... Ja, we came away with the win. I just want to say thanks to all the fans who stuck with in the season.. thanks Joel." Thank you very fucking much captain courageous. You play shit all year long, barely scraping past a Waratahs side that actually wanted to lose just to prove that Tuqiri is an overpaid cock, lose to just about everyone else, until a South African side is in with a shot at our first Super14 title and you piss on our collective battery. Sharks to play the final in Chrischurch, and lose because they can't see the fuckin ball.
So there you go, profanity aside I think that's a fair reflection of the rest of the season. It may be a little negative, but what can I say? the truth hurts, almost as much as a restraining order and sodomy.
So anyway. instead of half assing my way through another weekend preview where I waste both mine and your time by starting off with predictions and ending up with incoherent ramblings, instead I'm going to focus on the foreseeable future of the South African Teams. I will again omit all forms of statistical analysis, expert research and journalistic integrity and focus instead on conjecture, personal attacks and pictures of half naked women. Time magazine has their way, I have mine.
Stormers.
The Stormers next face the Crusaders at home, they will be given a statistical chance of winning somewhere in the 100ths of a percent. They will defy the odds by actually showing up in the first place, after which they will get cornholed in a big way. They will go on to lose every last one of their next couple of games except for the one against the Sharks . Thereby they not only qualifying as one of the worst SA sides, but also end up fucking it up for the Sharks. Breyton Paulse will get caught driving his Aston Martin at 200 kph down the N2 with 3 hookers and a 4 kilo bag of coke, and will subsequently be awarded with the Cape Town medal of awsomeness.
Cheetahs
The Cheetahs have a bye week, so that means 22 cowboys drunk on ricky lowe, driving around in their hiluxes firing their guns in the air. But at least they'll be doing it as a team. They strike me as the sort of team that drinks together in a bar, one gets into a fight, and then all out hilarity ensues in the form of a great big bar brawl. The captain and 5 of his closest fiends will sit in a jail cell nursing black eyes and bleeding lips. In the end the coach will bail them out they'll have a good old chuckle and win the state championship. (I may have confused my prediction with the plot of every sports film I've ever seen)
Lions
The Lions will absolutely beat the Hurricanes and the Brumbies putting themselves in with a shot at the top 4. only to get nailed by their South African counterparts the Bulls. Once again the African in-fighting will be our undoing, why can't we all just get along? In my perfect future I see everyone just....... no wait, actually all I see is me getting freaky with every one of the FeLions at the same time in a sweaty drunken mess of lithe bodies and lubrication. In my more immediate future I see me having to go to my sexual harassment meeting sporting an engorged penis.
Bulls
They face the Highlanders next, with their full contingent of All Blacks, which equates to 2 fat guys. I figure they'll notch up another win. After that, the Hurricanes, Stormers Lions and Reds, all victories, all ugly, especially the one against the Stormers (not as ugly as last year mind you.) They'll crack the Top 4 which will be awesome, but they'll probably have to go to either Perth or Auckland for the semis. Both places are positively overflowing with expats, meaning a big night on the town, meaning slow hungover Bulls. A not too disgraceful exit from the Super14. Anton Leonard will probably buy a nice little retirement home on the North Shore of Auckland and that would mean that for the next 10 years of super14 he wont have to travel so much to get to the away games.
Sharks
The Sharks are going to beat the Brumbies (duh), after which their Travel period starts. Traditionally the Sharks have not traveled well, However traditionally the Sharks had a midget halfwit for a coach. I think that of the remaining games, they will drop either the Force game (Because everyone seems to just fucking love the force this year) or The Blues (Because that's the game I'm going to, and Karma doesn't like to pass up opportunities to fuck me over.) That said, they'll still be on track for a home semi, until they get dicked by the Stormers in the one game they actually play coherently. Luke Watson will be all like "Ja, you know the team pulled together and uh.. stuck to the game plan and uh... Ja, we came away with the win. I just want to say thanks to all the fans who stuck with in the season.. thanks Joel." Thank you very fucking much captain courageous. You play shit all year long, barely scraping past a Waratahs side that actually wanted to lose just to prove that Tuqiri is an overpaid cock, lose to just about everyone else, until a South African side is in with a shot at our first Super14 title and you piss on our collective battery. Sharks to play the final in Chrischurch, and lose because they can't see the fuckin ball.
So there you go, profanity aside I think that's a fair reflection of the rest of the season. It may be a little negative, but what can I say? the truth hurts, almost as much as a restraining order and sodomy.
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