Monday, May 28, 2007
In Communist Russia Blog writes you!!
Then, on a different thread there was a discussion going on regarding quota players and who's there out of merit, nothing new. It's a harsh reality in South African rugby. But then... the debaters were asked to please refrain from talking about politics and stick to rugby?!? Was this not the blog site that in it's glorious past championed the cause of disillusioned Bok fans angry at government interference in sport, unabashedly pointing out who was infact there on merit, and who was not? Why the sudden change of heart?
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
I wanna be, I wanna be like Mike,
Hello....Is this the newspaper? The one that caters to white folks? Yeah, this is The Honorable intergalactic funkalicious Mike Stofile here, and I gots something to say.
Go ahead sir.
You and I have come a long way mister newspaper, whenever I feel like people are starting to forget me, or I forget what I sound like, I can just call you up and let my shit flow. I don't need a media liaison, or PR or any of that shit. cause you and I we got special bond, like fuckin....Amos and Andy and shit.
I'm glad to hear that sir.
So it is with great ease that I say: fuck Jake White. Fuck that cracker. Not only does he not like black people, he don't even like white people who like black people. That's why he didn't pick Luke because, because his daddy, Cheecky, was tight with the brothers. You know what they used to call Cheecky? White Chocolate, you know, on account of him being so white and all. Hehe that was funny, until ...uh, until Cheeky called Jermaine.. uh.... ebony chocolate, and Cheecky got his ass kicked, but it was a misunderstanding they made up.
That's not why I called though. So Jake didn't pick him again this year, but my boy Reagan had other plans. See Jake didn't know this but that whiteboy is going to be in that squad , even if we gotta kick some brothers out. This shit is about principal now.
That sounds counter productive to transforma.....
Motherfucker, I will counter produce my foot up your ass if you interrupt me again..... So anyway, I got our boy Luke in there, And would you believe it, that sneaky white motherfucker goes and cuts him from the touring squad. Weeell, we'll just fuckin see about that, That honkey will play for that team even if I have to handcuff his pale ass to the referee. Aint nothing happens in this team without my say so. I am the fucking Dalai Llama of the Springboks.
So do you feel qualified to second guess the coach on key issues such as these?
Qualified? Motherfucker I own this team. I know every player, every set piece. Every opponent. there is nothing about this game I do not kick major ass in. all of those other suckers are just dead weight, I'm the guy who makes shit happen.
Have you considered whether or not Luke's forced entry into the team may be detrimental to the teams' world cup chances?
World Cup? what the fuck are you talking about? that shit was months ago, we sent those alcoholics over to the Caribbean. what has that shit got to do with Luke Watson?
No sir, the Rugby World Cup. Later this year.
They got a world cup for that shit? ......huh. Howcome White didn't say anything to me. Hmmp... White, what the hell kind a name is that anyhow. You know who we should've got to coach this team? Denzel Washington. you ever see that movie where Denzel coached the football team with the white kids, and he gets some bothers in there, and they all fighting and shit. Then he kicks all the white kids out and wins the NBA championship while stopping the plane from crashing.
......uh, no I don't think that's how....
Yeah you're right it was a good movie. Look, all I'm saying is that I just want the best player in the team, selected not by colour but by Merit, now is that asking too much?
Eh.... but surely if you force the inclusion of one player, you're contradict.......
Thaaaat's nice of you to say, but I've got lots of calls to make, so I gotta get going. Hey um... can you e-mail me the details on this world cup thing. I might go check that out.
sigh... yes sir.
Thanks. peace out.
BULLS!!!!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
....then we will fight in the shade.
Here's the team In what I presume is alphabetical order (How the fuck should I know, I just copy and paste this sort of thing):
Johan Ackermann; Eddie Andrews; BJ Botha; Gary Botha; Bakkies Botha; Gerrie Britz; Schalk Burger; Deon Carstens; Tonderai Chavanga; Jean De Villiers; Bismarck Du Plessis; Fourie Du PreezOs Du Randt; Kabamba Floors; Bevin Fortuin; Jaque Fourie; Bryan Habana; Butch James; Ricky Januarie; Wayne Julies; Victor Matfield; Percy Montgomery; Johann Muller; Waylon Murray; Akona Ndungane; Odwa Ndungane; Wynand Olivier; Breyton Paulse; Ruan Pienaar; JP Pietersen; Andre Pretorius; Jaco Pretorius; Danie Rossouw; Bob Skinstad; John Smit; Juan Smith; Pierre Spies; Gurthro Steenkamp; Francois Steyn; Albert Van Den Berg; CJ Van Der Linde; Wikus Van Heerden ; Joe Van Niekerk ; AJ Venter; Luke Watson Ashwin Willemse.
Couple of surprises in there, Tonderai Chavanga, now there's stranger, he has all the makings of a brilliant rugby player, except for the actual playing of the rugby, something he's only done twice to my recollection. I sincerely thought hell would freeze over before Luke Watson made any kind of squad, although as it turns out, Jake didn't pick him, Jake was forced by his boss, kind of like "JAKE!! if you don't take your little brother with you to the party you can't go either!" well, little brother got an ass whooping, what will Luke get?
All in all I'm pretty happy with the team, only three omissions would've made me cry, Ruaan, Frans and Waylon. I can win you games using those three players, and no one else, no shit. I hope for one thing, and that is that all the new players get used a lot during the Tri Nations, and incoming tours. I mean really if you're going to gamble, gamble on the Tri nations, that shit comes around every year. and since we're 90% likely to lose the away leg, we might as well lose it while blooding new players and learning something. I tell ya, It never ends, I'm up all nights worrying about the Super14, then it's finally over, now I gotta worry about tri nations and world cups. I hate this game.
Monday, May 14, 2007
well... that happened
Oh where to begin? Should I start slowly and seductively with the rock hard grinding of the Sharks forward pack? should I tease a little with the agile running lines of Waylon Murray, Frans Steyn and JP Peterson? Maybe I could get you going with a little raw pace from Bryan Habanna and the Ndungane boys? Since we're running out of time though, I think I'll just explode all over your face with the sheer power and abrasiveness of mesrs. Skinstad, Spies, Kankowski, Venter and Du Plessis.
This weekend I saw 44 good reasons why, If there was a world cup in South Africa, They should just fedex the fucking cup over. no need to worry about planes and airport lines and training schedules. Just stay home, play some PlayStation3 and forget about coming. Unfortunately the world cup is in France, but we'll worry about that later.
The SA teams were always going to win this one. They players just wanted it more, they tackled, cleaned out rucks, punched up field, like crazy folks. We all know and hate rugby cliche's. I for one am violently affected every time I hear phrases like "telling tackle" (telling? telling who? the guy being tackled? he fucking knows trust me). Or "Servant of the game" (don't get me started on that one.) But one cliche rang true for me. "there were 22 men of the match". It was true, but I still get the shits when commentators say it, (maybe I just don't like commentators.) Actually I take that back I fucking love Warren Brosnihan. He's like a wrestling commentator, everything that happens sounds like he just shot his load, very inspiring. Anyway, I digress.
The other reason the for the whitewash, was that the kiwis were in a bad place. Firstly there was the Ali Williams saga. Seriously, if you were just kicked out of your team, not just by management, but by your peers, I'll bet you'd place a couple of 'telling' calls to Sharks management. "G'day Dick, It's Ali here mate. how ya going. I just wanted to let you know, if Kevin yells red ball, or number two ball, get your boys to jump on Rawlinson, yeah... Greg, the iron-jawed motherfucker who took my place. While you're at it, he has a dodgy left knee, see what you can do there. thanks. bye." Then there were 3 or 4 Crusaders, effectively in exile while in SA. You see Rua Tipoki, Caleb Ralph, and a few others, got into a big 'ol street fight before leaving on a jet plane. So when they landed in SA they found out that when they return to the rainy isle, they are going to get hauled in by johnny law. Could you keep your mind on the task at hand if you were facing the very real possibility of having your next few breakfasts consisting of scrambled eggs and prison sex? I didn't think so.
All in all I cannot be more pleased with the outcome of this years Super 14 so far. South African teams proved that we can still be a threat to anyone (the Lions beat the Crusaders, for fuck sake) New Zealand teams proved they are fallible, and Australian teams proved that for 6 million dollars you can get you're very own dreadlocked spectator, the narcissism comes free. All is not champaign and cheerleaders though, you see this week we stick 44 of our best players, 44 shards of our world cup dream into one big meat grinder and seeing what survives. Local derbies are usually about fucking the other guy up. Last year the last game between the Sharks and Stormers cost us one Butch, one Jean and almost a Schalk, and that wasn't even a semi let alone a final. I can just see us having to take the entire Stormers team to the world cup as Springboks. What a fucking mess that would be.
Monday, May 7, 2007
New Zealand had a rough week
Not good week for kiwis, first there was the Hurricanes loss to the Warratahs. Tuqiri scored a try, his first in Superrugby in one year, and it only cost the ARU 6 million dollars. Money well spent I say, Then there was the obvious positional drop in the log. The Brumbies said good bye to Anton Oliver and Carl Hayman with a nice middle finger. and then there was this.....
Seriously Piri, were you thinking that if this is Tana's last game that people will ignore you? or did you want a hairstyle that says: "hey there world, you big 'ol meanine, I'm here and I'm fabulous." First there was Nonu with the eyeliner, then there was Tana's handbag, now this. Next year I expect the front row to show up in full drag. Speaking of Tana, no one can argue that he hasn't had a magnificent career. I don't want to call him a great servant to the game of rugby (partly because every time I hear that phrase I feel like punching the guy who said it in the groin. I fucking hate that phrase.) Anyway, great career and then he ends it with a bitchfit (or B.F.) at the standard of refereeing in the southern hemisphere. It's looks especially bitter and petty after getting bonered by the incredibly shit Waratahs.
Then there's this dude. ...................
How can you stay mad at that face? Ali Williams, sometimes referred to comical Ali, has been sent home from South Africa because of disciplinary reasons. Not laughing now, huh Ali?. Apparently management and senior players made a decision to send his prankster ass back to Auckland. Details are sketchy, but apparently the last straw was when Ali got into an altercation with Qantas staff. All I have to say about this is, Well done Ali, I've flown Qantas before and I'm going to guess those fuckers deserved it. There are also reports of late night drinking escapades. Pity he's not playing for the Waratahs, there if they catching you drinking too much they make you captain. At this time it's always nice to spare a thought for the rest of the Blues, and how this off field nastiness can affect their game, and how I hope it torments them into submission.
So all up the Kiwi's are having a rough time, Still, I'd like them to remember that no matter how bad things get, you can always count on on one thing. It's going to get a lot worse come world cup time.
good night.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
homecoming
I've slowed down on the 'ol posting haven't I? that's because my "day job" has been getting in the way. Well, that was until the Sharks landed on top of the log and the Bulls stampeded into number two. (see what I did there..) Now I have lots to gloat about. The job can take a back seat. You hear that "Shane from Accounting?" You can take your TPS reports and shove them up your urethra.
Before I get too into my self righteous tirade, I really want to congratulate the Bulls. It was like a cheesy sports movie come true. I know it's only the Reds (no offence) but the strength and determination to reel in a points differential so severe is truely remarkable. If the Springboks show this much heart in the WC there is not a team in the world that can beat us.
Picking a game that I enjoyed most this weekend is like picking a favourite sexual position, though the reverse cowgirl is pleasant, the wheelbarrow is nothing short of awe inspiring, and that's not even mentioning the rusty trombone. I thoroughly enjoyed the Crusaders getting stuffed by the chiefs. I enjoyed the dejected look on Robbie Deans' face, I enjoyed the monster stiff arm by Luaki that dropped McCaw on his ass. But mostly I enjoyed that, despite this enormous favour the Chiefs did me, they got nothing, and I don't have to worry about them later on the tournament. Seriously I am ten times more afraid of a momentum based team on a roll like the Chiefs, than a tired Crusaders team.I enjoyed the Sharks game for the obvious reasons. They have a clinical style of play that I don't often see in South African teams. I am extremely happy with the way they play. They have the collective structure and individual brilliance to go all the way and give me a woody. (and win the tournament, if it comes to that.) I enjoyed the Bulls game so much. From the first Habanna score to the maniacal bearded serial killer looking Jaco VDW running madly in for the final try, it was an action packed blockbuster. If the Crusaders were watching that awesome display of forward power and backs brilliance they would be collectively shitting in their Dan Carter sponsored undies.
This has important implications not just for the immediate super14, but for the world cup too. What does it say to the world when, in a competition between NZ, Aus and SA the only teams good enough to make the finals are South African. I'll tell you what it says, it says: "Fuck you. Thank you for having us, but we'll take that there cup, and all the virgins in Paris (yes both of them)" As long as we can create or maintain some sort of psychological edge, the rest will work itself out.
And another thing.....When the final is played in South Africa, people all over will sit back and go: "huh, look at that, players, a ball, a referee??? Last year I couldn't see any of that"