Thursday, April 26, 2007
closer to the play offs
We are now getting to the finale of the glorious spectacle that is the Super 14. This is the first year I have ever referred to it as a "glorious spectacle " usually it's that piece of shit competition that I never really liked anyhow (which is how I now feel about the cricket world cup.)
While we're on the that, evryone's furious at the Proteas for fucking up so comically, I actually am not, surprisingly. You see in '99 I was watching the world cup semi final in London with 2 Ausies, and the sheer agony of knowing that it was pure stupidity that lost us that game, along with the fact that we were 1 run from winning, was unbearable. Cricket is a long game to watch, and to spend all that time thinking you're in with a shot, only to get shafted at the death, makes for a cranky motherfucker let me tell you. This time round I started watching the game at 1am NZ time, and faced the prospect of going to work the next day having not slept at all. At 1:45 Graeme Smith was out, and at 2am Jaques Kallis was out. I knew we were fucked, and what followed was 6 hours of blissful uninterrupted sleep. The other reason I wasn't too upset, was that if we had lost due to the proteas playing a slow batting innings, carefully selecting each shot, planning each over, that would've been embarrassing. Instead what they did was swing like slutty soccer moms at every ball. no fear and no brains, it was good to see. we weren't going to let the Ausies and their formidable record scare some sense into us, no, fuck that, we're going to charge. I will bet you good money Smith and his buddies were still hammered when they took the field. Only drunks and crazy people are that indestructible.
On to more pressing matters, the Super 14. Last week was a strange week with the Blues losing to the Stormers, even though I alluded to it's possibility I still never expected it to happen. I was pleased. But the Sharks loss to the chiefs really pissed me off. It gave the Blues an undeserved lifeline, because invariably now, if the Blues and the Sharks score exactly the same amount of log points in the last two games, it will be the Sharks traveling to Auckland instead of the other way around. So it is up to the Bulls to beat the Blues for some order to be restored. The Crusaders should... aaah fuck the Crusaders. I don't care .they only become my problem in the event of the Sharks getting to the finals. There is of course another scenario whereby the Bulls beat the Crusaders in Chch and subsequently we have an all South African Final, but that is a dream so preposterous it's very mention is heresy and a sin against mankind. would be nice though. The rest of the games don't really matter, I'm watching the Hurricanes Highlanders game, and the most entertaining thing was when Mex realised that Andrew and Charlie Hore were both on the filed. "Oh look a pair of Hores." funny stuff. These are trying times these last few weeks,there may be drunken violence depending on the outcomes of these games.
While we're on the that, evryone's furious at the Proteas for fucking up so comically, I actually am not, surprisingly. You see in '99 I was watching the world cup semi final in London with 2 Ausies, and the sheer agony of knowing that it was pure stupidity that lost us that game, along with the fact that we were 1 run from winning, was unbearable. Cricket is a long game to watch, and to spend all that time thinking you're in with a shot, only to get shafted at the death, makes for a cranky motherfucker let me tell you. This time round I started watching the game at 1am NZ time, and faced the prospect of going to work the next day having not slept at all. At 1:45 Graeme Smith was out, and at 2am Jaques Kallis was out. I knew we were fucked, and what followed was 6 hours of blissful uninterrupted sleep. The other reason I wasn't too upset, was that if we had lost due to the proteas playing a slow batting innings, carefully selecting each shot, planning each over, that would've been embarrassing. Instead what they did was swing like slutty soccer moms at every ball. no fear and no brains, it was good to see. we weren't going to let the Ausies and their formidable record scare some sense into us, no, fuck that, we're going to charge. I will bet you good money Smith and his buddies were still hammered when they took the field. Only drunks and crazy people are that indestructible.
On to more pressing matters, the Super 14. Last week was a strange week with the Blues losing to the Stormers, even though I alluded to it's possibility I still never expected it to happen. I was pleased. But the Sharks loss to the chiefs really pissed me off. It gave the Blues an undeserved lifeline, because invariably now, if the Blues and the Sharks score exactly the same amount of log points in the last two games, it will be the Sharks traveling to Auckland instead of the other way around. So it is up to the Bulls to beat the Blues for some order to be restored. The Crusaders should... aaah fuck the Crusaders. I don't care .they only become my problem in the event of the Sharks getting to the finals. There is of course another scenario whereby the Bulls beat the Crusaders in Chch and subsequently we have an all South African Final, but that is a dream so preposterous it's very mention is heresy and a sin against mankind. would be nice though. The rest of the games don't really matter, I'm watching the Hurricanes Highlanders game, and the most entertaining thing was when Mex realised that Andrew and Charlie Hore were both on the filed. "Oh look a pair of Hores." funny stuff. These are trying times these last few weeks,there may be drunken violence depending on the outcomes of these games.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Climbing up the Top sails i lost my leg
I've been a little busy lately, hence the lack of updates (Kids, if you're reading this, don't ever get a job. It's painful boring and you end up getting fucked every day between 8 and 6. (Also don't talk like your uncle Ruck, he has a filthy, filthy mouth, despite having it washed out with beer every spare moment.) I Felt however that I would like to get something off my chest.
They call cricket a gentleman's sport, especially when someone fucks up and gets reamed by panel of old farts. They should call it gentleman's sport for little sissy girls who wear dresses and drink tea, especially if you hear the kind of shit people get fined for. Now let me clarify, I'm all for kiwis getting manhandled by South Africans, it's my favourite thing next to unicorns and milkshakes, but what happened to Brendan McCullum is ridiculous. Umpire Rauf gave McCullum out LBW, when McCullum actually thought the umpire meant he had been caught. the punchline, however, is that both were bullshit descisions, but none the less, he was out. McCullum shook his head in disbelief. When the smelly old fuckers in the gentlemens' club saw a young man using the axle of his neck so furiously, to dissplay his dissatisfaction at being called out, you could hear the roar of 100 monacles dropping into gin glasses. They immediately called Mike Procter to restore order to the chaos caused by the oscillation of Brendans head and he was subsequently fined, Striking a much needed blow for geriatrics and empirical rhetoric.
They call cricket a gentleman's sport, especially when someone fucks up and gets reamed by panel of old farts. They should call it gentleman's sport for little sissy girls who wear dresses and drink tea, especially if you hear the kind of shit people get fined for. Now let me clarify, I'm all for kiwis getting manhandled by South Africans, it's my favourite thing next to unicorns and milkshakes, but what happened to Brendan McCullum is ridiculous. Umpire Rauf gave McCullum out LBW, when McCullum actually thought the umpire meant he had been caught. the punchline, however, is that both were bullshit descisions, but none the less, he was out. McCullum shook his head in disbelief. When the smelly old fuckers in the gentlemens' club saw a young man using the axle of his neck so furiously, to dissplay his dissatisfaction at being called out, you could hear the roar of 100 monacles dropping into gin glasses. They immediately called Mike Procter to restore order to the chaos caused by the oscillation of Brendans head and he was subsequently fined, Striking a much needed blow for geriatrics and empirical rhetoric.
Bullshit as that may be though, my real gripe is with all the negative press the Proteas got for getting drunk 2 days before the match against England. They just got boned by the kiwi's, they were miserable, they needed a drink, and the next game was only in 2 days time. I'm no expert, but hangovers rarely last 2 days (unless you drink 40 year old beer, but that's not a hangover, that's legitimate poisoning. If you wake up at all it's a bonus. ) So there's no problem with it affecting the next game. Secondly, they're in the Caribbean for fucks sake, land of pirates, booty and RUM. You can't go there and not get drunk it's in the law. Certain countries have things you must try before you go, in the Caribbean it's drinking rum until you pass out on an island, in SA it's getting hijacked and in Holland, guess...(which is why they don't schedule cricket world cups in the Netherlands, because if they did, Hersch would need a runner for every match.) And just to prove my point, they came out for the next game and buried the poms. For the record, they were dobbed in by fellow South African "fans" and I use that term ever so loosely. Who the fuck are these fans anyway? If they're in a bar at 4 AM to see Mark Boucher doing the limbo in his undies, chances are they're not sober either. Then there were reports of fighting. So what? drinking and fighting belong together, how else do you explain the great historic Irish boxers, Seamus o'Malley and the rest. So next time I drink, I will toast thee Captain Smith and ye merry band of pirates, Sail forth and claim the gold (the world cup, do I need to explain all my obscure references?)
Saturday, April 14, 2007
I don't mean to be mean or anything, but.....
"Suck on that Auckland!" That's what I just shouted from my balcony. Suck on that, sky tower, suck on that viaduct, suck on that one tree hill, with your conspicuously absent tree. It's not that I don't like my new adopted city. In fact I quite enjoy it here. There's lots to do, it's easy to get around. But I've been watching the Blues, their shitty attitude, their narcissistic approach.
Well, look how that worked out. You wanna fight and yell at the ref, that's fine, but when it comes to 50/50 decisions, you are the ones that will get fucked in the end. And fucked you did. 3 shady tries and the ref said, "kiss my ass, I'll give it to the banana boys." And so the Sharks continue their surge towards a home semi. (And a huge night at eighties, let me tell you.)
On a side note Bobby Skinstad, JP Pieterson, Waylon Murray, and Francois Steyn have made their claim on the Springbok team. I'll be super disappointed if they don't at least get a shot at the world cup.
Well I'm off to get drunk and get my ass kicked. Happy trails.
Oh yeah, and suck on that Douggie, I hope you enjoyed pushing Earl Rose, half your size around. That shit is called Karma, motherfucker.
Well, look how that worked out. You wanna fight and yell at the ref, that's fine, but when it comes to 50/50 decisions, you are the ones that will get fucked in the end. And fucked you did. 3 shady tries and the ref said, "kiss my ass, I'll give it to the banana boys." And so the Sharks continue their surge towards a home semi. (And a huge night at eighties, let me tell you.)
On a side note Bobby Skinstad, JP Pieterson, Waylon Murray, and Francois Steyn have made their claim on the Springbok team. I'll be super disappointed if they don't at least get a shot at the world cup.
Well I'm off to get drunk and get my ass kicked. Happy trails.
Oh yeah, and suck on that Douggie, I hope you enjoyed pushing Earl Rose, half your size around. That shit is called Karma, motherfucker.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Road to the playoffs
Being at the business end of the season you can start to see certain mentalities form within the teams. Teams with a shot at the play offs tend to play a considered and calculated game, whereas teams that don't have a chance tend to do two things, suck and fight. The Reds must've known where they'd end up because they've been doing both since the start of the season. The Sharks put on a sublime display in putting them away. They fucked them so bad the Eddie Jones thought Dick Muir was pimp and tried to pay him. But I'm not going to make too big a deal out of this, I'll reserve judgment on the Sharks until after the game against the Blues, where I will be present and potentially attract a LOT of abuse. Or hurl abuse, depending on a myriad of factors mostly how much I drink.
So the Crusaders, the perennial glory boys, those kids in school that have all the luck. The rich, good looking, athletic ones with good teeth and no know erections problems. The ones you wish would just shit their pants in public, just once, you know, to even out the playing field a little. Well, they're obviously going to the playoffs, not only that, they're going to make all the other teams look bad in the process. Speaking off, the Force are probably feeling a little vulnerable right now. This is the first time they've even come close to the top six let alone a shot at the semi's, and up until Friday they were probably thinking, "It's not that hard, I don't know why all those other pussy's are complaining." aaaaand then they got dicked 45 nil. Welcome to the real world boys.
The Bulls are now in mathematical territory, expect them all to invoke chaos theory and explosive mathematics to come up with a hundred different scenarios on how they can make the semi's. I'm not saying they wont make it, but I guarantee it wont be easy. and with teams like the Blues, Crusaders and Sharks all shooting for gaps, it will come down to numbers, and if you've ever met anyone from Pretoria, you'll know that if they could choose between numbers and fire breathing dragons, they'd strap some fireproof hats on.
The Lions are just happy not to be at the bottom. They've already achieved 120% more than they had hoped for, or anyone else for that matter, so expect them to show up drunk to the remainder of the games. That's what I'd do. The Chiefs, Hurricanes, Highlanders and Cheetahs have a very vague chance at the semi's but I think we all know they're going to end up at a bar, watching the final, saying "coulda been, shoulda been...." Yeah, yeah tell it to pint glass grandpa.
The Reds, Stormers and Warratahs know they're not going anywhere, so they're just going along for the ride. They're going to be booking into expensive hotels, have some light training followed by some sightseeing and shopping. Expect great big minibar bills and one or two happy strip clubs (ten bucks says Bolla Conradie makes it rain, he seems like the type). Good times.
The Blues are not looking too bad, I still don't think they're invincible though. They're what you would call a feel good side. if they feel like it, they can be brilliant, but if you can disrupt them early, they crumble like cheap crack. I take the example of the 2003 blues who, with Carlos Spenser (or king Carlos as the nancy's from Auckland called him) were about as unbeatable as they've ever been, throwing the ball around with gay abandon against an unimpressive Stormers side, and doing pretty well too i might add. Until, that is, King Carlos got tackled by Andries Bekker, so hard he could see into the future (a future filled with mediocrity in the Heineken cup). The game swung instantly, with the Stormers scoring 5 tries in 20 minutes. Strange but true.
Sooooo, unless the Sharks completely screw themselves over the weekend, I think that, by the smallest of margins, they may have one hand on the trophy. I base this on not so much actual statistics, knowledge of the teams or common sense of any sort., but mainly on the premise that if the Crusaders win another Super 14 title, it will officially become the most bullshit competition in the world. Second only to the North West Canterbury Logging competition, which for those who care, has been won by Hamish Jeffersonson jr. for the last 40 years. give it a rest Hamish, Fuck!
So the Crusaders, the perennial glory boys, those kids in school that have all the luck. The rich, good looking, athletic ones with good teeth and no know erections problems. The ones you wish would just shit their pants in public, just once, you know, to even out the playing field a little. Well, they're obviously going to the playoffs, not only that, they're going to make all the other teams look bad in the process. Speaking off, the Force are probably feeling a little vulnerable right now. This is the first time they've even come close to the top six let alone a shot at the semi's, and up until Friday they were probably thinking, "It's not that hard, I don't know why all those other pussy's are complaining." aaaaand then they got dicked 45 nil. Welcome to the real world boys.
The Bulls are now in mathematical territory, expect them all to invoke chaos theory and explosive mathematics to come up with a hundred different scenarios on how they can make the semi's. I'm not saying they wont make it, but I guarantee it wont be easy. and with teams like the Blues, Crusaders and Sharks all shooting for gaps, it will come down to numbers, and if you've ever met anyone from Pretoria, you'll know that if they could choose between numbers and fire breathing dragons, they'd strap some fireproof hats on.
The Lions are just happy not to be at the bottom. They've already achieved 120% more than they had hoped for, or anyone else for that matter, so expect them to show up drunk to the remainder of the games. That's what I'd do. The Chiefs, Hurricanes, Highlanders and Cheetahs have a very vague chance at the semi's but I think we all know they're going to end up at a bar, watching the final, saying "coulda been, shoulda been...." Yeah, yeah tell it to pint glass grandpa.
The Reds, Stormers and Warratahs know they're not going anywhere, so they're just going along for the ride. They're going to be booking into expensive hotels, have some light training followed by some sightseeing and shopping. Expect great big minibar bills and one or two happy strip clubs (ten bucks says Bolla Conradie makes it rain, he seems like the type). Good times.
The Blues are not looking too bad, I still don't think they're invincible though. They're what you would call a feel good side. if they feel like it, they can be brilliant, but if you can disrupt them early, they crumble like cheap crack. I take the example of the 2003 blues who, with Carlos Spenser (or king Carlos as the nancy's from Auckland called him) were about as unbeatable as they've ever been, throwing the ball around with gay abandon against an unimpressive Stormers side, and doing pretty well too i might add. Until, that is, King Carlos got tackled by Andries Bekker, so hard he could see into the future (a future filled with mediocrity in the Heineken cup). The game swung instantly, with the Stormers scoring 5 tries in 20 minutes. Strange but true.
Sooooo, unless the Sharks completely screw themselves over the weekend, I think that, by the smallest of margins, they may have one hand on the trophy. I base this on not so much actual statistics, knowledge of the teams or common sense of any sort., but mainly on the premise that if the Crusaders win another Super 14 title, it will officially become the most bullshit competition in the world. Second only to the North West Canterbury Logging competition, which for those who care, has been won by Hamish Jeffersonson jr. for the last 40 years. give it a rest Hamish, Fuck!
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Todays show is brought to you by the letter F and the number 69
It's easy to be angry at the Sharks for losing. It's easy to scream obscenities and and almost hurl your remote at your new TV. And it's easy to turn to hard liquor to dull the pain and cry yourself to sleep (too easy actually). But none of that helps anyone, least of all the police who are called out to a domestic dispute only to find one guy alone naked and crying. All is not lost however, See I was at a team meeting after the game, and Dick Muir had some great advice. I think things are going to be alright, here's it is
Hey guys, tough game out there, I know things didn't go our way. Yeah Ruaan, I know that kick went over but crying isn't going to fix it, look John's got ice cream over there, why don't you get some, you'll feel better. Now I've made some notes on things that we can look at over the week. No Adie, don't look at me like that, it's not a criticism as such, it's more like a few fun ways we can learn and play at the same time
Tip number one, Line outs. The whole point behind a line out is that when the opposition kicks the ball out, you get a slight advantage by throwing the ball into the line out. But the funny thing about that, is that you actually need to throw at one of your guys, not the other guys. To make it easy, look down at the shirt you're wearing, then throw the ball at a guy wearing the same shirt. See John, if we do it that way your friend can give the ball back to you, unlike the mean 'ol other boys that run away with it.
Tip number two, Holding onto the ball. Rugby is the game where you run with the ball and hold onto it as long as you can, preferably until you touch it on the ground behind the try line. Bowling, on the other hand, is the game where you run with the ball then throw it forward to knock down some pins. please be sure and ask me, the ref, one of the fans, anyone at all, which game it is being played on the day, because I noticed quite a few of you guys rocketing the ball ahead, and you looked sad when there were no pins, and when you're sad, I'm sad.
Tip number three, Tackling. And I am as much to blame for this as you are. Starting now, no more touch rugby at training, I can see how it can be confusing. See the thing is, and I probably didn't say this enough, but in the real game when you touch the guy with the ball, he doesn't have to stop.
So just to reiterate, I'm not mad at you guys, you're still my special little guys. And always remember, if you go out there and have fun, and try your best, and be a good sportsman you're already a winner. Now, whooooo wants pizza? haha I thought so, come along guys.
Hey guys, tough game out there, I know things didn't go our way. Yeah Ruaan, I know that kick went over but crying isn't going to fix it, look John's got ice cream over there, why don't you get some, you'll feel better. Now I've made some notes on things that we can look at over the week. No Adie, don't look at me like that, it's not a criticism as such, it's more like a few fun ways we can learn and play at the same time
Tip number one, Line outs. The whole point behind a line out is that when the opposition kicks the ball out, you get a slight advantage by throwing the ball into the line out. But the funny thing about that, is that you actually need to throw at one of your guys, not the other guys. To make it easy, look down at the shirt you're wearing, then throw the ball at a guy wearing the same shirt. See John, if we do it that way your friend can give the ball back to you, unlike the mean 'ol other boys that run away with it.
Tip number two, Holding onto the ball. Rugby is the game where you run with the ball and hold onto it as long as you can, preferably until you touch it on the ground behind the try line. Bowling, on the other hand, is the game where you run with the ball then throw it forward to knock down some pins. please be sure and ask me, the ref, one of the fans, anyone at all, which game it is being played on the day, because I noticed quite a few of you guys rocketing the ball ahead, and you looked sad when there were no pins, and when you're sad, I'm sad.
Tip number three, Tackling. And I am as much to blame for this as you are. Starting now, no more touch rugby at training, I can see how it can be confusing. See the thing is, and I probably didn't say this enough, but in the real game when you touch the guy with the ball, he doesn't have to stop.
So just to reiterate, I'm not mad at you guys, you're still my special little guys. And always remember, if you go out there and have fun, and try your best, and be a good sportsman you're already a winner. Now, whooooo wants pizza? haha I thought so, come along guys.