Counter Ruck

The Stofile Saga continues

2007-11-02T05:10:00.000-07:00

Another conversation overheard in the office of Mike Stofile

What's crackin' whiteboy. Hey can you hold my calls man, I've had a loooong fuckin flight, first class may be comfortable, but hangovers most definitely 'aint

Sir, where have you been? we have been trying to get a hold of you for some time now

Wha'choo mean where I been? I been pimpin' it in Paris dawg, I even called your ass from the police station there 3 weeks ago. Fuckin cops man, you'd think they got better shit to do that chase my ministerial black ass through the park at night, and for the record, since when is 4 kilo's possession with intent? lightweights.

Sir there have been significant developments since then with the, uh.. Coach White situation.

Oh calm down Grandma, we gots that shit covered. We got half the IRB on the take, last I heard we had his favourite little crackers taken down by the Law. Where is he? is he crying? Hehe. He is, isn't he? Get my camera, I'ma put that shit on youtube.

Um... sir I don't know how to tell you this... the, uh... The Springboks won the World cup.

........... WHAT THE FUCK??? Ooooh.. haha...... yeah, oh fuck man you had me, Whooowee! Where's the camera? yo Cameraman! I got punked HAHA, I got punked good. Yo, Ashton! Ashton! Where you at man, you got me dawg, you emo bastard HAHA. man thats good. When Is this going on MTV?

um............

Yo, where Ashton man?......................... This better be a fuckin' joke man.

I'm afraid not sir. Have you been unable to read the newspaper? I mean you were in Paris after all?

No I did not read the fuckin' newspaper, I did not take in a relaxing morning with the paper and a chai Latte'. I was up to my elbows in pussy! Oh man this is fucked up. Wait, maybe Thabo aint heard yet, we can fix this shi.... What? what now?

Sir, President Mbeki has been celebrating with Jake White for a few days now. They're probably on their Parade through the streets of Soweto by now.

Parade? S...Soweto? WHITE?...... My Brother, Listen closely. I want you to call sistah Manto. I want you to call her up, tell her to get here as fast as she can, and to leave her fuckin' potatoes and shit at home, I need some medical attention. I think I know what's going on here. I knew it, I fuckin knew it man. I was walkin' around France and this bohemian atrist brother came up and sold me some weed. I thought it was good! you know, I didn't feel nothing bad going on. but since then I've been hearing some strange shit. You have no idea, even now! while you were talking, my head was twisting it around into some fucked up fairy tale about White winning the world cup, and 30 whiteboys in parades in Soweto... yeah I know, it's fucked. I am unwell my brother, act fast.

Sir, unfortunately this is not an ...um.. narcotic effect. This really happened.

Giles, I told you earlier this year we should take their motherfucking passports. Did I not say that? In fact my words were: Giles, we should take their motherfucking passports. And you were all like: nooooo human right violation.......sanctions. Well here you have it milkylane. Look at the fucking shit we're in now. Let me guess the public fucking love him now don't they? ugh... How'm I gonna get rid of him now?

Maybe he's the right.....

I've heard enough outta you casper, one more fuckin word and I'ma shove this stapler up your ass. Here's what we're gonna do. You remember that video we made of all the members of the presidents council getting their freak on at my house? That night I got all the ho's out and the drugs, and Ludacris was there?

oh sir I'm not sure.....

Oh you're sure alright, You're going to mail copies to each and every one of those perverted motherfuckers with a note that says: White goes, or the news knows, about the hoes.

So you're going to get the IRB Coach of the year fired after winning the World Cup, by using extortion?

You better believe it homes. and while we're at it, get Charlie Murphy on the line, tell him I got a job in mind for him.

whatever you say sir.

2007-11-02T05:02:00.000-07:00

What follows is a conversation heard in the office of Mike Stofile.

Giles!! get your college boy ass in here!!

Yes mister Stofile?

Giles, what's this shit I hear Jake White's going to go see the president? That motherfucker. I know he's going over there to bitch about me. does he know what happens to snitches in SARFU? Giles, take that spoon there and fashion a knife out of it.

Right away sir...

Actually wait. We can do this some other way. I'ma go over to Thabo's office myself and cock block that craker. Yeah and then....

Um...

You got something to say, sweater vest?

Well it's just sir.. you are no longer allowed within 50 feet of mister Thabo Mbeki.

What Kind of Bullshit is that? When did this happen?

Remember the time you showed up unannounced at his office during his big meeting with the German chancellor?

Yeah, I briefly ran into him while entertaining a few business acquaintances.

Sir... you showed up drunk with five hookers. You spilled Krystal all over the German chancellor, and offered him the..ahem services of your friends.

Hey, first of all homeboy, I didn't spill shit okay? I was sharing. And secondly that kraut motherfucker was loving the attention of my beautiful black honeys. That bitch was about 3 seconds away from having a chocolate covered bratwurst. I don't see no crime, why all the fuss?

Sir you tried to sell the president of South Africa cannabis.

You know how hard it is to find good weed in Sandton? I was doing the brother a favour. and you know my prices can't be beat.

All the same sir, the president would like to keep his distance until this blows over.

Whatever. But what am I going to do about this honkey trying to fuck me over? I know what he's thinking, he's gonna be all like whaaaa transformations, merit selections. boo fucking hoo. And you know that sneaky motherfucker is going to compare Thabo to Nelson Mandela with the world cup in '95. Nothing makes that brother cream like Mandela comparisons. An next thing you know I'll have to start laying off him and not wedgie him in the hallways. Well fuck that.

Giles go slash Jake's tyres.

Sir Jake is in Cape Town.

Then go slash Thabo's

You want me to slash the tyres of the president of South Africa? Sir I know I said I'd do any.....

I don't hear any slashing bitch?!?!?!

Sigh.....yes sir.

2007-11-02T04:53:00.000-07:00

What follows is a conversation heard in Mike Stofile's office (possibly picked up by a bug left over from the Straeuli regime. Stofile on the phone....)

Hello....Is this the newspaper? The one that caters to white folks? Yeah, this is The Honorable intergalactic funkalicious Mike Stofile here, and I gots something to say.

Go ahead sir.

You and I have come a long way mister newspaper, whenever I feel like people are starting to forget me, or I forget what I sound like, I can just call you up and let my shit flow. I don't need a media liaison, or PR or any of that shit. cause you and I we got special bond, like fuckin....Amos and Andy and shit.

I'm glad to hear that sir.

So it is with great ease that I say: fuck Jake White. Fuck that cracker. Not only does he not like black people, he don't even like white people who like black people. That's why he didn't pick Luke because, because his daddy, Cheecky, was tight with the brothers. You know what they used to call Cheecky? White Chocolate, you know, on account of him being so white and all. Hehe that was funny, until ...uh, until Cheeky called Jermaine.. uh.... ebony chocolate, and Cheecky got his ass kicked, but it was a misunderstanding they made up.

That's not why I called though. So Jake didn't pick him again this year, but my boy Reagan had other plans. See Jake didn't know this but that whiteboy is going to be in that squad , even if we gotta kick some brothers out. This shit is about principal now.

That sounds counter productive to transforma.....

Motherfucker, I will counter produce my foot up your ass if you interrupt me again..... So anyway, I got our boy Luke in there, And would you believe it, that sneaky white motherfucker goes and cuts him from the touring squad. Weeell, we'll just fuckin see about that, That honkey will play for that team even if I have to handcuff his pale ass to the referee. Aint nothing happens in this team without my say so. I am the fucking Dalai Llama of the Springboks.

So do you feel qualified to second guess the coach on key issues such as these?

Qualified? Motherfucker I own this team. I know every player, every set piece. Every opponent. there is nothing about this game I do not kick major ass in. all of those other suckers are just dead weight, I'm the guy who makes shit happen.

Have you considered whether or not Luke's forced entry into the team may be detrimental to the teams' world cup chances?

World Cup? what the fuck are you talking about? that shit was months ago, we sent those alcoholics over to the Caribbean. what has that shit got to do with Luke Watson?

No sir, the Rugby World Cup. Later this year.

They got a world cup for that shit? ......huh. Howcome White didn't say anything to me. Hmmp... White, what the hell kind a name is that anyhow. You know who we should've got to coach this team? Denzel Washington. you ever see that movie where Denzel coached the football team with the white kids, and he gets some bothers in there, and they all fighting and shit. Then he kicks all the white kids out and wins the NBA championship while stopping the plane from crashing.......

uh, no I don't think that's how....

Yeah you're right it was a good movie. Look, all I'm saying is that I just want the best player in the team, selected not by colour but by Merit, now is that asking too much?

Eh.... but surely if you force the inclusion of one player, you're contradict.......

Thaaaat's nice of you to say, but I've got lots of calls to make, so I gotta get going. Hey um... can you e-mail me the details on this world cup thing. I might go check that out.

sigh... yes sir.

Thanks. peace out.

VIVA LE BOKKE!!

2007-10-23T00:45:00.000-07:00

I've let this blog slip like a jelly wrestler, but I can't not congratulate the Boks, the fact is I was at Bar Africa in Auckland's North shore celebrating the win with hundreds of Bok fans. I probably would've posted sooner, but I only just regained motor skills. They sold Klipdrift by the gallons, and like my new friends' t-shirt, I was Klipwrecked. A special shout out has to go to the kiwi media covering the world cup, you guys really made an impact on me, a KAK one. Fucksake, every game, post All Black meltdown, was like a eulogy. A few great sound bites.

Tony Johnston "The final was a very dull affair and you have to worry about the future of the game" who's game Tony? your game? the spectacular running rugby with exciting mobile forwards that got you NOWHERE?!?! Suck my green and gold member you whiny bitch.

Grant Nisbett "So the Springboks won the the 2007 world cup, but you've got to say they had the easiest run of all the teams" I suppose so Grant, but is it any easier than Italy, Portugal, Scotland, Romania and the getting fucked by a crap French team? um no it's not. Hell, you even had an easy drive to the airport.

I was lamenting the fact that I wouldn't see an AB Springbok final, until those biased sons of bitches talked up every team we played since the quarters. "I think the Fijians poses the kind of running rugby that could see the Springboks make and early exit." yeah sorry man, not going to happen. "The Argentinians have the forward pack to trouble the Boks, I think we may yet see another Argentina France game" Congrats ballsack, you did see one. For 3rd place. And Then, only when faced with another 4 year of potential English bragging rights. "I think given the situation all the New Zealanders will be backing the Boks" Like it's some kind of divine blessing. Um....... Still thanks for the permanent residency by the way, awful kind of y'all to let me live here. And you know what, when thing get really bad New Zealand, just remember, you have 41 000 world cup winners right here in your country, I'll bet that's more than you've had for over 20 years. before you call me a bitter wanker, just remember what my grandad always said "If you don't have something insulting to say, best not say anything at all" He was quite the character.

SO.... to sum up, in 2007 we, Won a super14 title (and came second too), Won a World cup, Won IRB team of the year, IRB coach of the year, IRB Player of the year, and currently listed as being the no 1 ranked team in the world. Also notable this was the year that Danie Craven was inducted into the rugby Hall of Fame. in my wildest dreams of blogging I never thought I'd write all of that in one post. Now if only someone would come here to read it.

2007-10-15T00:39:00.000-07:00

Just an update to let you know that I have not updated this thing since the 15th of July. Yeah no shit 15 July, turns out I am lazy as shit. Some things happened since then. My job ate more of my life, like a 45 hit combo by Ryu (yes Ruy, asshat, wanna make a grandpa joke go ahead, at least my generation knows good music you little fuckers...... yeah okay grandpa jokes all around.) Al Gore won a Nobel peace prize, more specifically my fucking Nobel peace prize. And last but not least God Finally stopped his procrastinating and picked his favourite world rugby team. Turns out he loves the Springboks almost more than I do and pulled out all the stops in securing us the cup. Ether that or he really really hates us by making us come this far only to get beaten by a side that did not deserve to win the world cup once, let alone twice. We'll see.

I can say that I'll be more consistent with the updates, but with me you never really know. And yes as you can tell I still hold a candle for miss Fuck da Eagles. Time heals all wounds, except the one in my heart, and in my pants.

I've got my propoganda, I've got revisionism.

2007-07-15T22:55:00.000-07:00

They say history is written by the victor. That unfortunately is true (except if you're an All Black supporter, then every loss has an explanatory addendum, Suzy, gold watch ect.) Regardless of the extenuating circumstances and planned setbacks, the history books will show that the Springboks lost this Tri Nations competition, and then some. The score won't tell the story of a brave bunch of underdogs sent on a suicide mission. The score won't explain how under the inspirational leadership of Bobby Skinstad, 22 rag tag mercenaries went to Sydney and got the better of the strongest possible Australian team, only to let their enthusiasm get the better of them. And it certainly wont show how after that heartbreaking loss, and the loss of said leader, they had to regroup under a new captain, and once more, against all odds kept the number one team in the world at bay for the most part. This had all the makings of true underdog story, the only thing missing was the um.... actual victory, and the power ballad as the credits rolled by. Alas it was not to be.

Stil, there's hope for eventual glory. The latest trend in Hollywood sports films is that the underdog doesn't so much win, but gives it a good go and wins the moral victory. Rocky didn't win in Rocky 5, but he proved that you never underestimate the guy after whom the movie is named. In Invincible, Mark Wahlberg didn't come up from the gutters to win the Superbowl, that would be silly. He did score a memorable touchdown though, and forced the credits (and power ballad) before the game was even over. How moral victory is that!? and in 300 everybody died, they got spectacularly cornholed.

I've already handed in the first draft of my screenplay to Miramax, It starts with how all the first choice players are trapped in an elevator (I can't really tell the truth on this one, no audience would buy it.) So the coach goes out and finds the gifted number 8 haunted by past glory, on his farm trying to forget a past that saw him exiled from sport, and talks him into leading his troops one last time. I'm thinking Bob Skinstad played by Thomas Jane (who fucking rocked in the Punisher. if you didn't like it...you may very well be gay). There will be a musical montage of them going out and finding the other players, some old, some new, but all find themselves in interesting situations. Maybe one is running from a house with his trousers in his hands chased by the father of girl he just boned. (I'm gonna guess Wynand Olivier, played by Owen Wilson) One is a hard assed cop who uses his rugby skills to tackle a criminal (sorry, SUSPECT ) and then makes a funny one liner (Bismark Du plessis as done by Jeremy Piven. because he's funny and all teams have a funny guy). First none of them will get along, then after the a big bar brawl with the other team, they'll all be in jail and laugh about it, and be inseparable. In the second to last game their inspirational captain will get injured in a spectacular injury (probably unfairly inflicted by the jailbirds.) In a heartfelt speech he will make them realise that they don't need him to be great, the greatness was inside them all along, and then he will hand over his captains band (or whatever) to the young captain who was once his rival (Johan Muller \ Josh Hartnett), and they run out onto the field to face the orcs of mordor. The rest will be a spectacular game with slo-mo cuts and a pumping soundtrack (Thunderstruck has been done to death in sports films, so maybe some QTSA) My movie will end before the three try blitz (of course) but it will be a glorious panning shot of the of the guys facing off to their enemies. and fade to black, queue the power ballad. I'll even get the trailer voice over guy to do the trailer ( In a world....... where only the best succeed....... they......... will learn......... to be better.........than the best) or even cheesier than that.

I think the world is ready for this. The truth is that Hollywood has a raging boner for South African set films (Catch a fire, Blood Diamond, the Gods must be crazy). And no SA film will be complete without....... Arnold Vosloo, he can be Jake White. Cut and Print, I'll be in my trailer.

P.s My apologies for the long delay between posts, I got a little distracted. Turns out there are pictures of naked women on the internet !!! who knew.

Separated at birth.

2007-06-26T03:39:00.001-07:00

This particular type of thing has been done a million times on a million different websites, the difference is that other website are really bad at it. I mean, just becuase Victor Matfield has a beard, and Captain hook has a beard, that don't make them twins. You know who else has beard? Bob Seger, why not throw him in? Anyway, if you have any suggestions, please feel free to submit them, people have been submitting suggestions of where I can shove my blog since I started, so you may as well.

Firstly, Bakkies Botha and ....

Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age. See that's the kind of similarity I'm talking about.

Next Frans Steyn and....

Brendan Fehr.... from Roswell.... and CSI.... no? Actually, not knowing makes you slightly cooler than me, I'm not even kidding.

Actually now that I think about it....

Yeah, that looks about right.

The Kids are alright

2007-06-19T02:32:00.000-07:00

History has proven to us that genius manifests at a young age. Even as infants there are signs that point to the future brilliance of those blessed with extraordinary talent. Amadeus created his first composition at the age of 5, Picasso became a legend at 13, and 15 years ago I scribbled my first inappropriate joke as part of a homework assignment, and look at us now.

Pierre Spies, Ruaan Pienaar and Francois Steyn, are the most exciting players in world rugby today, and they're all younger than 23. Pierre Spies is an incredibly strong and fast runner, in fact he's the second fastest Springbok currently, behind only Brian Habana, yet he's big and strong enough to anchor a scrum. He is the LaDainian Tomlinson of rugby. And he's ours.

Ruan Pienaar, is unfortunately labeled a utility back. Yet his game at scrumhalf was incredible. His service from the base of the scrum is fast and accurate. he has a kicking game that rivals any halfback (Or flyhalf for that matter) in the world. Also he inherited the hip swivel sidestep from his dad, that is impossible to predict. And he's ours.

Francois Steyn is the very definition of the word prodigy. He may take the wrong option from time to time, but he always trusts his insticts, and more often than not that is what wins games. Case in point this weekend. if the Springboks had cheerleaders, they would all be in hospital with swoon related injuries after those kicks. And he's ours

No other team in the world has this kind of new talent. Sure there are the Larkhams and Carters of the world, but we've been watching them for years. They have nothing new to offer. We've seen them at their best and their worst, and the verdict is an apathetic ...meh. I can just imagine the collective feeling of tragic nostalgia all over New Zealand when they saw Steyn kicking those goals. They got fucked by Gerald Bosch in the 70's Naas in the 80's and by Joel in the 90's, all who sunk kiwi teams with drop goals. One more world cup lost in such a fashion and they'll change the law to get rid of drop goals, watch.

Assuming they don't get cornholed by bureaucracy and political involvement, they may very well be hall of famers in the making.

...aaand the oscar goes to....

2007-06-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

This is my favourite movie of all time. Goodfellas..... the Godfather. Hah amatuers. Show me a bearded madman knocking off All Blacks left and right, and I'll bring the popcorn.

Oh No He Di 'int!!

2007-06-12T03:09:00.000-07:00

What follows is a conversation heard in the office of Mike Stofile.

Giles!! get your college boy ass in here!!

Yes mister Stofile?

Right away sir...

Actually wait. We can do this some other way. I'ma go over to Thabo's office myself and cock block that craker. Yeah and then....

Um...

You got something to say, sweater vest?

Well it's just sir.. you are no longer allowed within 50 feet of mister Thabo Mbeki.

What Kind of Bullshit is that? When did this happen?

Remember the time you showed up unannounced at his office during his big meeting with the German chancellor?

Yeah, I briefly ran into him while entertaining a few business acquaintances.

Sir... you showed up drunk with five hookers. You spilled Krystal all over the German chancellor, and offered him the..ahem services of your friends.

Sir you tried to sell the president of South Africa cannabis.

You know how hard it is to find good weed in Sandton? I was doing the brother a favour. and you know my prices can't be beat.

All the same sir, the president would like to keep his distance until this blows over.

Sir Jake is in Cape Town.

Then go slash Thabo's

You want me to slash the tyres of the president of South Africa? Sir I know I said I'd do any.....

I don't hear any slashing bitch?!?!?!

Sigh.....yes sir.

Jake "White" La Motta

2007-06-10T04:11:00.000-07:00

In a story that would rival even this blog in speculative, sensationalist and most importantly grossly inaccurate journalism, there are reports that Jake white was involved in a punch up. Sounds like quite a story, until you get to the actual facts. It is such a non event that I can't help but think that it's inception was only to further discredit Jake. I found the story on IOL, and I would paste the gist of it for you here, but unfortunately it is so badly written that the only way to include the facts is to grab the whole thing. Just read it here. It takes the shape of an email written whilst hungover. The only thing missing is the opening line: "Dude, you'll never guess what happened last night."

Basically the story goes that a journalist for "Die Son" was beat up in a bathroom stall of popular (read totally overrated) night club, News Cafe. Now "Die Son", for those who don't know, is a translation, and complete rip off of "the Sun." and having read a few copies myself I can tell you that you'll learn more from the back of a cereal box than this shit rag. Anyhoo, earlier the night Jake was in the bar, and during the course of the night got into a verbal altercation with said journo regarding yet another completely baseless and sensationalist article. The article had something to do with Luke Watson being kicked out of the Sharks for fucking another players wife. Editors note, That'd be pretty awesome if it was true. Later Jake again had words with the man, and left. The next day Jake hears from a friend of a friend that the guy got his ass kicked in the shitter, and now somehow it's his fault. Tell you what, I'm glad the dude didn't get hijacked or Jake would've been proper fucked.

Despite the incoherent rambling of the original article, the guy makes a good point at how this is very similar to the situation created to force Mallett out of the top job, and this may be a propaganda war against Jake. The man is a fucking saint at consummate professionalism for being able to do his job in this three ring circus. I have trouble focusing on my job when we run out of coffee, yet this man consistently performs in the middle of all of this. And what kind of fucking press agent allows this shit to go on. Vusi, you understand your job is to protect Jake and the Springbok management from these kinds of embarrassments right? I mean yes, going to the games for free is fun, and drinking the free booze is a nice perk, but you do actually have a job to do. They should just fire you and get Ari Gold, the greatest publicist in the world, at least he has his clients best interest in mind. For example, on trying to get his client's brother a job.

"You all have one goal today - to get Vincent Chase's brother, Johnny Chase a job - ANY job. I don't care if it's a porn shoot where he is being gang raped by a gaggle of silverback apes, if there are cameras rolling, everyone wins" ....Such talent.

Also I do believe I reported on this story before the nazis over at Keo did. Who's the beaatch now?!?!

P.S. I fully realise that my misleading title and image make the exact same mistake as all involved. There is one great difference though, I have made it very clear that my publication thrives on heresy and sensation, without it I have nothing. Also I heard that Bolla Conradie loves a little light spanking. You heard it here first.

In Communist Russia Blog writes you!!

2007-05-28T03:34:00.000-07:00

This may seem trivial to most, and I agree it probably is, but when you find flaws in your inspirations, it is both heart wrenching and liberating at the same time. The sweet and the sour, if you will. I'd like to start off by saying that I have all the respect in the world for Keo and what he's doing. His is arguably the most significant Sports blog in South Africa (he could use a little sense of humor, but whatever.) Taking on the flawed rugby administration armed with facts and solid logic (everything I lack). Which makes it all the more confusing when he gives in to unseen pressure. I read a scathing post on Mike Stofile. It was good stuff, calling the minister on all his backtracking and self contradicting. But Lo, that post that once occupied the the front page, was pushed back to the archives page. Having seen the light for only a few hours, it was shunned to the rear like a petulant child. I posted a comment on a different thread enquiring as to the whereabouts of said post, only to find my own comment deleted?!? What had I done to deserve such treatment? was it that I had stumbled onto something bigger than all of us? or was it because I ended my post with a link to my site shamelessly piggybacking of his popularity? who knows.

Then, on a different thread there was a discussion going on regarding quota players and who's there out of merit, nothing new. It's a harsh reality in South African rugby. But then... the debaters were asked to please refrain from talking about politics and stick to rugby?!? Was this not the blog site that in it's glorious past championed the cause of disillusioned Bok fans angry at government interference in sport, unabashedly pointing out who was infact there on merit, and who was not? Why the sudden change of heart?

The last straw was when I was accused of being a conspiracy theorist (yeah yeah, I see where that might come from.) But none the less, a particularly inflammatory post regarding Jaco Van Der Westhuizens' t-shirt (yes, that one) was posted, inflammatory even by my standards. So discussing politics is out, but a raging debate about religion is fine. okay. This thread too got the 'ol heave ho to the back, and commenting was turned off. When I again enquired about this practise, I was called a clown and asked to drop it (seriously, a clown? what are we in kindergarten?. call me an asshole for fucks sake, it is true after all.) the official line was that it was pushed back to preserve speed on the homepage, not because they realised they made a monumental error in calling out people's justified wrath in protecting their heartfelt beliefs. That's fine, but tell me this, Why is a post with just over 300 comments deemed a risk to server performance, yet other posts that reach 550 are still going on? is it because righteous indignation carries extra bandwidth overhead?

If any one's looking for me I may be off to the Gulag soon.

I wanna be, I wanna be like Mike,

2007-05-22T04:50:00.000-07:00

What follows is a conversation heard in Mike Stofile's office (possibly picked up by a bug left over from the Straeuli regime. Stofile on the phone....)

Hello....Is this the newspaper? The one that caters to white folks? Yeah, this is The Honorable intergalactic funkalicious Mike Stofile here, and I gots something to say.

Go ahead sir.

You and I have come a long way mister newspaper, whenever I feel like people are starting to forget me, or I forget what I sound like, I can just call you up and let my shit flow. I don't need a media liaison, or PR or any of that shit. cause you and I we got special bond, like fuckin....Amos and Andy and shit.

I'm glad to hear that sir.

So it is with great ease that I say: fuck Jake White. Fuck that cracker. Not only does he not like black people, he don't even like white people who like black people. That's why he didn't pick Luke because, because his daddy, Cheecky, was tight with the brothers. You know what they used to call Cheecky? White Chocolate, you know, on account of him being so white and all. Hehe that was funny, until ...uh, until Cheeky called Jermaine.. uh.... ebony chocolate, and Cheecky got his ass kicked, but it was a misunderstanding they made up.

That's not why I called though. So Jake didn't pick him again this year, but my boy Reagan had other plans. See Jake didn't know this but that whiteboy is going to be in that squad , even if we gotta kick some brothers out. This shit is about principal now.

That sounds counter productive to transforma.....

Motherfucker, I will counter produce my foot up your ass if you interrupt me again..... So anyway, I got our boy Luke in there, And would you believe it, that sneaky white motherfucker goes and cuts him from the touring squad. Weeell, we'll just fuckin see about that, That honkey will play for that team even if I have to handcuff his pale ass to the referee. Aint nothing happens in this team without my say so. I am the fucking Dalai Llama of the Springboks.

So do you feel qualified to second guess the coach on key issues such as these?

Qualified? Motherfucker I own this team. I know every player, every set piece. Every opponent. there is nothing about this game I do not kick major ass in. all of those other suckers are just dead weight, I'm the guy who makes shit happen.

Have you considered whether or not Luke's forced entry into the team may be detrimental to the teams' world cup chances?

World Cup? what the fuck are you talking about? that shit was months ago, we sent those alcoholics over to the Caribbean. what has that shit got to do with Luke Watson?

No sir, the Rugby World Cup. Later this year.

They got a world cup for that shit? ......huh. Howcome White didn't say anything to me. Hmmp... White, what the hell kind a name is that anyhow. You know who we should've got to coach this team? Denzel Washington. you ever see that movie where Denzel coached the football team with the white kids, and he gets some bothers in there, and they all fighting and shit. Then he kicks all the white kids out and wins the NBA championship while stopping the plane from crashing.

......uh, no I don't think that's how....

Yeah you're right it was a good movie. Look, all I'm saying is that I just want the best player in the team, selected not by colour but by Merit, now is that asking too much?

Eh.... but surely if you force the inclusion of one player, you're contradict.......

Thaaaat's nice of you to say, but I've got lots of calls to make, so I gotta get going. Hey um... can you e-mail me the details on this world cup thing. I might go check that out.

sigh... yes sir.

Thanks. peace out.

BULLS!!!!

2007-05-22T03:12:00.000-07:00

And so we come to the end of another Super 14, I wont lie, I loved it. It was the most closely contested of installments in the history of the tournament, is that true? probably not but it sounds good. I'm not overly pleased with the outcome. I love seeing the Bulls win, just not against the Sharks. but hey,what're you gonna do.

What was great was watching the kiwi press cover the final. There's something pleasing about the look of a man reporting on a game when he would rather be watching his pubes grow. One thing is true though, watching the two best teams in SA in a colossal battle scared the shit out of them. They're focusing on Matfield, Habbana, Butch, Pietersen and Steyn and nervously contemplating the sheer awesomeness (it's a word!) of a team with all of them.

All in all I'm very pleased with our all South African final, the atmosphere was incredible, and the game wasn't too bad either. I will write a full report on the Super14 as I saw it, but that kind of creative genius will take a lot of time.

Congratulations to the Bulls, the Dallas Cowboys of Rugby (in more ways than one)

*interesting bull-fact: I searched the net for pictures to plagiarize, and in the end I settled on the one above which I found on the Al Jazeera website, most famous for getting first dibbs on footage from Osama. They must not have seen Jaco's T-shirt.

....then we will fight in the shade.

2007-05-15T01:21:00.000-07:00

The Springbok team was announced this weekend. Now , before we get into the who's in who's not, I just want to clear one thing up. I don't really like getting into who was left out, who doesn't belong, who's there only because he's sleeping with Oregon sister (yeah you know who I'm talking about. Breytie, you man you.). The thing is, when it comes right down to it, I have shit for brains. If it were up to me, the Springbok team would consist of Frans Steyn, Bobby Skinstad and the Felions (I haven't forgotten you. Out of the competition...yes. Out of my heart...no. Out of my pants...definitely not.) So I don't consider myself capable of judging Jake's team. HOWEVER..... Ashwin Willemse? really? seriously, I know I have a penchant for over exaggeration, but the last time I actually saw or heard anything from him, was when he scored a try against Samoa... in the last world cup! That was four years ago. Seriously, what has he been doing? *ring ring* "Hallo Ashwin Speaking. Oh, Hi coach.....Why yes, I'd love to play some rugby, I am a rugby player after all..uh huh....yep... uh huh... Sure, but Listen coach, I'm just in the middle of something right now,...yeah I'm organising my CD's alphabetically, I'm up to the b's. I tell you what, give me uh...four years, and I'll get back to you, okay? cheers.." Anyway.
Here's the team In what I presume is alphabetical order (How the fuck should I know, I just copy and paste this sort of thing):

Johan Ackermann; Eddie Andrews; BJ Botha; Gary Botha; Bakkies Botha; Gerrie Britz; Schalk Burger; Deon Carstens; Tonderai Chavanga; Jean De Villiers; Bismarck Du Plessis; Fourie Du PreezOs Du Randt; Kabamba Floors; Bevin Fortuin; Jaque Fourie; Bryan Habana; Butch James; Ricky Januarie; Wayne Julies; Victor Matfield; Percy Montgomery; Johann Muller; Waylon Murray; Akona Ndungane; Odwa Ndungane; Wynand Olivier; Breyton Paulse; Ruan Pienaar; JP Pietersen; Andre Pretorius; Jaco Pretorius; Danie Rossouw; Bob Skinstad; John Smit; Juan Smith; Pierre Spies; Gurthro Steenkamp; Francois Steyn; Albert Van Den Berg; CJ Van Der Linde; Wikus Van Heerden ; Joe Van Niekerk ; AJ Venter; Luke Watson Ashwin Willemse.

Couple of surprises in there, Tonderai Chavanga, now there's stranger, he has all the makings of a brilliant rugby player, except for the actual playing of the rugby, something he's only done twice to my recollection. I sincerely thought hell would freeze over before Luke Watson made any kind of squad, although as it turns out, Jake didn't pick him, Jake was forced by his boss, kind of like "JAKE!! if you don't take your little brother with you to the party you can't go either!" well, little brother got an ass whooping, what will Luke get?

All in all I'm pretty happy with the team, only three omissions would've made me cry, Ruaan, Frans and Waylon. I can win you games using those three players, and no one else, no shit. I hope for one thing, and that is that all the new players get used a lot during the Tri Nations, and incoming tours. I mean really if you're going to gamble, gamble on the Tri nations, that shit comes around every year. and since we're 90% likely to lose the away leg, we might as well lose it while blooding new players and learning something. I tell ya, It never ends, I'm up all nights worrying about the Super14, then it's finally over, now I gotta worry about tri nations and world cups. I hate this game.

well... that happened

2007-05-14T22:24:00.000-07:00

Oh where to begin? Should I start slowly and seductively with the rock hard grinding of the Sharks forward pack? should I tease a little with the agile running lines of Waylon Murray, Frans Steyn and JP Peterson? Maybe I could get you going with a little raw pace from Bryan Habanna and the Ndungane boys? Since we're running out of time though, I think I'll just explode all over your face with the sheer power and abrasiveness of mesrs. Skinstad, Spies, Kankowski, Venter and Du Plessis.

This weekend I saw 44 good reasons why, If there was a world cup in South Africa, They should just fedex the fucking cup over. no need to worry about planes and airport lines and training schedules. Just stay home, play some PlayStation3 and forget about coming. Unfortunately the world cup is in France, but we'll worry about that later.

The SA teams were always going to win this one. They players just wanted it more, they tackled, cleaned out rucks, punched up field, like crazy folks. We all know and hate rugby cliche's. I for one am violently affected every time I hear phrases like "telling tackle" (telling? telling who? the guy being tackled? he fucking knows trust me). Or "Servant of the game" (don't get me started on that one.) But one cliche rang true for me. "there were 22 men of the match". It was true, but I still get the shits when commentators say it, (maybe I just don't like commentators.) Actually I take that back I fucking love Warren Brosnihan. He's like a wrestling commentator, everything that happens sounds like he just shot his load, very inspiring. Anyway, I digress.

The other reason the for the whitewash, was that the kiwis were in a bad place. Firstly there was the Ali Williams saga. Seriously, if you were just kicked out of your team, not just by management, but by your peers, I'll bet you'd place a couple of 'telling' calls to Sharks management. "G'day Dick, It's Ali here mate. how ya going. I just wanted to let you know, if Kevin yells red ball, or number two ball, get your boys to jump on Rawlinson, yeah... Greg, the iron-jawed motherfucker who took my place. While you're at it, he has a dodgy left knee, see what you can do there. thanks. bye." Then there were 3 or 4 Crusaders, effectively in exile while in SA. You see Rua Tipoki, Caleb Ralph, and a few others, got into a big 'ol street fight before leaving on a jet plane. So when they landed in SA they found out that when they return to the rainy isle, they are going to get hauled in by johnny law. Could you keep your mind on the task at hand if you were facing the very real possibility of having your next few breakfasts consisting of scrambled eggs and prison sex? I didn't think so.

All in all I cannot be more pleased with the outcome of this years Super 14 so far. South African teams proved that we can still be a threat to anyone (the Lions beat the Crusaders, for fuck sake) New Zealand teams proved they are fallible, and Australian teams proved that for 6 million dollars you can get you're very own dreadlocked spectator, the narcissism comes free. All is not champaign and cheerleaders though, you see this week we stick 44 of our best players, 44 shards of our world cup dream into one big meat grinder and seeing what survives. Local derbies are usually about fucking the other guy up. Last year the last game between the Sharks and Stormers cost us one Butch, one Jean and almost a Schalk, and that wasn't even a semi let alone a final. I can just see us having to take the entire Stormers team to the world cup as Springboks. What a fucking mess that would be.

New Zealand had a rough week

2007-05-07T01:48:00.000-07:00

Not good week for kiwis, first there was the Hurricanes loss to the Warratahs. Tuqiri scored a try, his first in Superrugby in one year, and it only cost the ARU 6 million dollars. Money well spent I say, Then there was the obvious positional drop in the log. The Brumbies said good bye to Anton Oliver and Carl Hayman with a nice middle finger. and then there was this.....

Seriously Piri, were you thinking that if this is Tana's last game that people will ignore you? or did you want a hairstyle that says: "hey there world, you big 'ol meanine, I'm here and I'm fabulous." First there was Nonu with the eyeliner, then there was Tana's handbag, now this. Next year I expect the front row to show up in full drag. Speaking of Tana, no one can argue that he hasn't had a magnificent career. I don't want to call him a great servant to the game of rugby (partly because every time I hear that phrase I feel like punching the guy who said it in the groin. I fucking hate that phrase.) Anyway, great career and then he ends it with a bitchfit (or B.F.) at the standard of refereeing in the southern hemisphere. It's looks especially bitter and petty after getting bonered by the incredibly shit Waratahs.

Then there's this dude. ...................

How can you stay mad at that face? Ali Williams, sometimes referred to comical Ali, has been sent home from South Africa because of disciplinary reasons. Not laughing now, huh Ali?. Apparently management and senior players made a decision to send his prankster ass back to Auckland. Details are sketchy, but apparently the last straw was when Ali got into an altercation with Qantas staff. All I have to say about this is, Well done Ali, I've flown Qantas before and I'm going to guess those fuckers deserved it. There are also reports of late night drinking escapades. Pity he's not playing for the Waratahs, there if they catching you drinking too much they make you captain. At this time it's always nice to spare a thought for the rest of the Blues, and how this off field nastiness can affect their game, and how I hope it torments them into submission.

So all up the Kiwi's are having a rough time, Still, I'd like them to remember that no matter how bad things get, you can always count on on one thing. It's going to get a lot worse come world cup time.

good night.

homecoming

2007-05-06T23:12:00.000-07:00

I've slowed down on the 'ol posting haven't I? that's because my "day job" has been getting in the way. Well, that was until the Sharks landed on top of the log and the Bulls stampeded into number two. (see what I did there..) Now I have lots to gloat about. The job can take a back seat. You hear that "Shane from Accounting?" You can take your TPS reports and shove them up your urethra.

Before I get too into my self righteous tirade, I really want to congratulate the Bulls. It was like a cheesy sports movie come true. I know it's only the Reds (no offence) but the strength and determination to reel in a points differential so severe is truely remarkable. If the Springboks show this much heart in the WC there is not a team in the world that can beat us.

Picking a game that I enjoyed most this weekend is like picking a favourite sexual position, though the reverse cowgirl is pleasant, the wheelbarrow is nothing short of awe inspiring, and that's not even mentioning the rusty trombone. I thoroughly enjoyed the Crusaders getting stuffed by the chiefs. I enjoyed the dejected look on Robbie Deans' face, I enjoyed the monster stiff arm by Luaki that dropped McCaw on his ass. But mostly I enjoyed that, despite this enormous favour the Chiefs did me, they got nothing, and I don't have to worry about them later on the tournament. Seriously I am ten times more afraid of a momentum based team on a roll like the Chiefs, than a tired Crusaders team.

I enjoyed the Sharks game for the obvious reasons. They have a clinical style of play that I don't often see in South African teams. I am extremely happy with the way they play. They have the collective structure and individual brilliance to go all the way and give me a woody. (and win the tournament, if it comes to that.) I enjoyed the Bulls game so much. From the first Habanna score to the maniacal bearded serial killer looking Jaco VDW running madly in for the final try, it was an action packed blockbuster. If the Crusaders were watching that awesome display of forward power and backs brilliance they would be collectively shitting in their Dan Carter sponsored undies.

This has important implications not just for the immediate super14, but for the world cup too. What does it say to the world when, in a competition between NZ, Aus and SA the only teams good enough to make the finals are South African. I'll tell you what it says, it says: "Fuck you. Thank you for having us, but we'll take that there cup, and all the virgins in Paris (yes both of them)" As long as we can create or maintain some sort of psychological edge, the rest will work itself out.

And another thing.....When the final is played in South Africa, people all over will sit back and go: "huh, look at that, players, a ball, a referee??? Last year I couldn't see any of that"

closer to the play offs

2007-04-26T18:18:00.000-07:00

We are now getting to the finale of the glorious spectacle that is the Super 14. This is the first year I have ever referred to it as a "glorious spectacle " usually it's that piece of shit competition that I never really liked anyhow (which is how I now feel about the cricket world cup.)

While we're on the that, evryone's furious at the Proteas for fucking up so comically, I actually am not, surprisingly. You see in '99 I was watching the world cup semi final in London with 2 Ausies, and the sheer agony of knowing that it was pure stupidity that lost us that game, along with the fact that we were 1 run from winning, was unbearable. Cricket is a long game to watch, and to spend all that time thinking you're in with a shot, only to get shafted at the death, makes for a cranky motherfucker let me tell you. This time round I started watching the game at 1am NZ time, and faced the prospect of going to work the next day having not slept at all. At 1:45 Graeme Smith was out, and at 2am Jaques Kallis was out. I knew we were fucked, and what followed was 6 hours of blissful uninterrupted sleep. The other reason I wasn't too upset, was that if we had lost due to the proteas playing a slow batting innings, carefully selecting each shot, planning each over, that would've been embarrassing. Instead what they did was swing like slutty soccer moms at every ball. no fear and no brains, it was good to see. we weren't going to let the Ausies and their formidable record scare some sense into us, no, fuck that, we're going to charge. I will bet you good money Smith and his buddies were still hammered when they took the field. Only drunks and crazy people are that indestructible.

On to more pressing matters, the Super 14. Last week was a strange week with the Blues losing to the Stormers, even though I alluded to it's possibility I still never expected it to happen. I was pleased. But the Sharks loss to the chiefs really pissed me off. It gave the Blues an undeserved lifeline, because invariably now, if the Blues and the Sharks score exactly the same amount of log points in the last two games, it will be the Sharks traveling to Auckland instead of the other way around. So it is up to the Bulls to beat the Blues for some order to be restored. The Crusaders should... aaah fuck the Crusaders. I don't care .they only become my problem in the event of the Sharks getting to the finals. There is of course another scenario whereby the Bulls beat the Crusaders in Chch and subsequently we have an all South African Final, but that is a dream so preposterous it's very mention is heresy and a sin against mankind. would be nice though. The rest of the games don't really matter, I'm watching the Hurricanes Highlanders game, and the most entertaining thing was when Mex realised that Andrew and Charlie Hore were both on the filed. "Oh look a pair of Hores." funny stuff. These are trying times these last few weeks,there may be drunken violence depending on the outcomes of these games.

Climbing up the Top sails i lost my leg

2007-04-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

I've been a little busy lately, hence the lack of updates (Kids, if you're reading this, don't ever get a job. It's painful boring and you end up getting fucked every day between 8 and 6. (Also don't talk like your uncle Ruck, he has a filthy, filthy mouth, despite having it washed out with beer every spare moment.) I Felt however that I would like to get something off my chest.

They call cricket a gentleman's sport, especially when someone fucks up and gets reamed by panel of old farts. They should call it gentleman's sport for little sissy girls who wear dresses and drink tea, especially if you hear the kind of shit people get fined for. Now let me clarify, I'm all for kiwis getting manhandled by South Africans, it's my favourite thing next to unicorns and milkshakes, but what happened to Brendan McCullum is ridiculous. Umpire Rauf gave McCullum out LBW, when McCullum actually thought the umpire meant he had been caught. the punchline, however, is that both were bullshit descisions, but none the less, he was out. McCullum shook his head in disbelief. When the smelly old fuckers in the gentlemens' club saw a young man using the axle of his neck so furiously, to dissplay his dissatisfaction at being called out, you could hear the roar of 100 monacles dropping into gin glasses. They immediately called Mike Procter to restore order to the chaos caused by the oscillation of Brendans head and he was subsequently fined, Striking a much needed blow for geriatrics and empirical rhetoric.

Bullshit as that may be though, my real gripe is with all the negative press the Proteas got for getting drunk 2 days before the match against England. They just got boned by the kiwi's, they were miserable, they needed a drink, and the next game was only in 2 days time. I'm no expert, but hangovers rarely last 2 days (unless you drink 40 year old beer, but that's not a hangover, that's legitimate poisoning. If you wake up at all it's a bonus. ) So there's no problem with it affecting the next game. Secondly, they're in the Caribbean for fucks sake, land of pirates, booty and RUM. You can't go there and not get drunk it's in the law. Certain countries have things you must try before you go, in the Caribbean it's drinking rum until you pass out on an island, in SA it's getting hijacked and in Holland, guess...(which is why they don't schedule cricket world cups in the Netherlands, because if they did, Hersch would need a runner for every match.) And just to prove my point, they came out for the next game and buried the poms. For the record, they were dobbed in by fellow South African "fans" and I use that term ever so loosely. Who the fuck are these fans anyway? If they're in a bar at 4 AM to see Mark Boucher doing the limbo in his undies, chances are they're not sober either. Then there were reports of fighting. So what? drinking and fighting belong together, how else do you explain the great historic Irish boxers, Seamus o'Malley and the rest. So next time I drink, I will toast thee Captain Smith and ye merry band of pirates, Sail forth and claim the gold (the world cup, do I need to explain all my obscure references?)

I don't mean to be mean or anything, but.....

2007-04-14T02:43:00.000-07:00

"Suck on that Auckland!" That's what I just shouted from my balcony. Suck on that, sky tower, suck on that viaduct, suck on that one tree hill, with your conspicuously absent tree. It's not that I don't like my new adopted city. In fact I quite enjoy it here. There's lots to do, it's easy to get around. But I've been watching the Blues, their shitty attitude, their narcissistic approach.
Well, look how that worked out. You wanna fight and yell at the ref, that's fine, but when it comes to 50/50 decisions, you are the ones that will get fucked in the end. And fucked you did. 3 shady tries and the ref said, "kiss my ass, I'll give it to the banana boys." And so the Sharks continue their surge towards a home semi. (And a huge night at eighties, let me tell you.)

On a side note Bobby Skinstad, JP Pieterson, Waylon Murray, and Francois Steyn have made their claim on the Springbok team. I'll be super disappointed if they don't at least get a shot at the world cup.

Well I'm off to get drunk and get my ass kicked. Happy trails.

Oh yeah, and suck on that Douggie, I hope you enjoyed pushing Earl Rose, half your size around. That shit is called Karma, motherfucker.

Road to the playoffs

2007-04-09T23:09:00.000-07:00

Being at the business end of the season you can start to see certain mentalities form within the teams. Teams with a shot at the play offs tend to play a considered and calculated game, whereas teams that don't have a chance tend to do two things, suck and fight. The Reds must've known where they'd end up because they've been doing both since the start of the season. The Sharks put on a sublime display in putting them away. They fucked them so bad the Eddie Jones thought Dick Muir was pimp and tried to pay him. But I'm not going to make too big a deal out of this, I'll reserve judgment on the Sharks until after the game against the Blues, where I will be present and potentially attract a LOT of abuse. Or hurl abuse, depending on a myriad of factors mostly how much I drink.

So the Crusaders, the perennial glory boys, those kids in school that have all the luck. The rich, good looking, athletic ones with good teeth and no know erections problems. The ones you wish would just shit their pants in public, just once, you know, to even out the playing field a little. Well, they're obviously going to the playoffs, not only that, they're going to make all the other teams look bad in the process. Speaking off, the Force are probably feeling a little vulnerable right now. This is the first time they've even come close to the top six let alone a shot at the semi's, and up until Friday they were probably thinking, "It's not that hard, I don't know why all those other pussy's are complaining." aaaaand then they got dicked 45 nil. Welcome to the real world boys.

The Bulls are now in mathematical territory, expect them all to invoke chaos theory and explosive mathematics to come up with a hundred different scenarios on how they can make the semi's. I'm not saying they wont make it, but I guarantee it wont be easy. and with teams like the Blues, Crusaders and Sharks all shooting for gaps, it will come down to numbers, and if you've ever met anyone from Pretoria, you'll know that if they could choose between numbers and fire breathing dragons, they'd strap some fireproof hats on.

The Lions are just happy not to be at the bottom. They've already achieved 120% more than they had hoped for, or anyone else for that matter, so expect them to show up drunk to the remainder of the games. That's what I'd do. The Chiefs, Hurricanes, Highlanders and Cheetahs have a very vague chance at the semi's but I think we all know they're going to end up at a bar, watching the final, saying "coulda been, shoulda been...." Yeah, yeah tell it to pint glass grandpa.

The Reds, Stormers and Warratahs know they're not going anywhere, so they're just going along for the ride. They're going to be booking into expensive hotels, have some light training followed by some sightseeing and shopping. Expect great big minibar bills and one or two happy strip clubs (ten bucks says Bolla Conradie makes it rain, he seems like the type). Good times.

The Blues are not looking too bad, I still don't think they're invincible though. They're what you would call a feel good side. if they feel like it, they can be brilliant, but if you can disrupt them early, they crumble like cheap crack. I take the example of the 2003 blues who, with Carlos Spenser (or king Carlos as the nancy's from Auckland called him) were about as unbeatable as they've ever been, throwing the ball around with gay abandon against an unimpressive Stormers side, and doing pretty well too i might add. Until, that is, King Carlos got tackled by Andries Bekker, so hard he could see into the future (a future filled with mediocrity in the Heineken cup). The game swung instantly, with the Stormers scoring 5 tries in 20 minutes. Strange but true.

Sooooo, unless the Sharks completely screw themselves over the weekend, I think that, by the smallest of margins, they may have one hand on the trophy. I base this on not so much actual statistics, knowledge of the teams or common sense of any sort., but mainly on the premise that if the Crusaders win another Super 14 title, it will officially become the most bullshit competition in the world. Second only to the North West Canterbury Logging competition, which for those who care, has been won by Hamish Jeffersonson jr. for the last 40 years. give it a rest Hamish, Fuck!

Todays show is brought to you by the letter F and the number 69

2007-04-04T03:43:00.000-07:00

It's easy to be angry at the Sharks for losing. It's easy to scream obscenities and and almost hurl your remote at your new TV. And it's easy to turn to hard liquor to dull the pain and cry yourself to sleep (too easy actually). But none of that helps anyone, least of all the police who are called out to a domestic dispute only to find one guy alone naked and crying. All is not lost however, See I was at a team meeting after the game, and Dick Muir had some great advice. I think things are going to be alright, here's it is

Hey guys, tough game out there, I know things didn't go our way. Yeah Ruaan, I know that kick went over but crying isn't going to fix it, look John's got ice cream over there, why don't you get some, you'll feel better. Now I've made some notes on things that we can look at over the week. No Adie, don't look at me like that, it's not a criticism as such, it's more like a few fun ways we can learn and play at the same time

Tip number one, Line outs. The whole point behind a line out is that when the opposition kicks the ball out, you get a slight advantage by throwing the ball into the line out. But the funny thing about that, is that you actually need to throw at one of your guys, not the other guys. To make it easy, look down at the shirt you're wearing, then throw the ball at a guy wearing the same shirt. See John, if we do it that way your friend can give the ball back to you, unlike the mean 'ol other boys that run away with it.

Tip number two, Holding onto the ball. Rugby is the game where you run with the ball and hold onto it as long as you can, preferably until you touch it on the ground behind the try line. Bowling, on the other hand, is the game where you run with the ball then throw it forward to knock down some pins. please be sure and ask me, the ref, one of the fans, anyone at all, which game it is being played on the day, because I noticed quite a few of you guys rocketing the ball ahead, and you looked sad when there were no pins, and when you're sad, I'm sad.

Tip number three, Tackling. And I am as much to blame for this as you are. Starting now, no more touch rugby at training, I can see how it can be confusing. See the thing is, and I probably didn't say this enough, but in the real game when you touch the guy with the ball, he doesn't have to stop.

So just to reiterate, I'm not mad at you guys, you're still my special little guys. And always remember, if you go out there and have fun, and try your best, and be a good sportsman you're already a winner. Now, whooooo wants pizza? haha I thought so, come along guys.

2007-03-29T18:24:00.000-07:00

I've almost recovered from last weeks winning streak coming to an end, but just in case, I have a syringe full of Stroh rum, in case the Sharks decide to fuck me over again. I'm not too worried though, while having put up quite a show this year, the Force don't have what it takes to beat the Sharks. A more pressing concern is the Hurricanes Vs. The Bulls. I so fucking need the Bulls to strap their shit, and win this game. If another Kiwi team sneaks into the top 4 I will crap my pants. I've been working on a bit of an apocalypse theory. Basically I've concluded that the worst case scenario for the year of our Lord 2007, is if, in this order, The Blues win the super14, NZ win the cricket world cup, the All Blacks win the Tri Nations, and then the All Blacks win the the world cup. Have you ever seen an entire country simply explode with its own sense of self worth? If all of those events transpire exactly as mentioned, the two islands of New Zealand will erupt into a supernova of tears and semen, which will set off a chain of astrological events that will bring an end to life as we know it. I don't mean to place too much pressure on The Sharks and the Bulls, but by snatching the Super14 title from a Kiwi team they will be directly responsible for saving the world. Right now they're like Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck and the other astronauts in Armageddon (which won the Oscar for most awesome movie ever, by the way.)

The Chiefs Blues game is another shining example of a chance for world order to be restored. Don't get me wrong, I don't Like Hamilton, or Hamiltonians for that matter, in fact I'd rather get teabagged by Lawrence Sphaka and Ollie Le Roux simultaneously than spend another minute there, but by beating the Blues, The Chiefs will rob them of vital points, opening the way for an SA home semi. The Last game this weekend is the Lions v The Brumbies. The Lions have become like that opening band you see before a Concert, not why you came or releveant to the over all outcome, but a pleasant surprise that gets you foot tapping. I hope they beat the Brumbies, if only to exact some revenge for last week. I now hate the Brumbies, but I'm a pretty hateful guy so that's just one of many.

On a side note, I am the only contributor to this site, I am the emperor, I am the master and I am the King. And while my one-sided contemptuous narrative fills me with much glee. I have decided to open my kingdom and accept differing opinions. I will allow someone to, I suppose, guest post on my blog. I think it's important to allow divergent opinions to be broadcast, other wise we'd be no better than the commies, and look at them now. So if you feel like it, you may submit a story or round up or porn or anything really, to counterruck@blogspot.com I retain editorial privilege but I am easily pleased.

prove my hypothesis

2007-03-26T17:46:00.000-07:00

I had a bad feeling this was going to happen. In fact I got my bad feeling right after I clicked publish on the last post. I dismissed the Brumbies out of hand and worried instead about the Blues or Force. You know what they call that? COCS, (Compulsive Optimistic Crusader Syndrome).

COCS is a Psychiatric disorder that affects many of us, and is the primary killer amongst males aged 16 - 70 in the South Island. It's a slow starting disorder, but symptoms are often visible in the first few weeks. Early signs include lack of sickening feeling after kick off, disproportionate criticism to opposing team as opposed to the usual 100% hatred towards your own team, and the ability to go get a beer at a leisurely pace without fearing the end of the world happening in the few seconds you're gone. It was the general belief in the 14th and 15th centuries that those who experienced overwhelming optimism towards their sporting teams were possessed by the devil. It was only in 2002 during the Super12 season when the Crusaders were comprehensively beaten by the Stormers (also attributed to being the work of the devil) that people connected the blind optimism of the Crusaders fans to some sort of mental illness, Hence the name. COCS however is by no means only for Crusaders Fans. COCS has claimed many lives, All Blacks fans have succumbed many times, in the mid 90's there was a major COCS problem for Man Utd. fans, and Yankees fans by and large are pretty much born with it. COCS is especially fatal when allowed to grow to unsafe proportions, displaying such concerning symptoms as, not entertaining the notion of losing, not seeing ones own teams faults and getting a tattoo of the team logo. With COCS, as with many mental illnesses, there's a feeling of invincibility and supreme highs, followed by depression and suicidal tendencies, usually the result of a winning streak coming to an end. No cure currently exists for COCS. Due to the nature of the disorder, patients feel cured after a painful come down, but this is merely masking the true emotion of desperate hope. Patients will try to tell you that, they don''t care anymore, or that they don't like this sport anymore. or a particular favourite among the severely affect (kiwis) " We didn't lose because 'insert favourite excuse here' caused this." When really their COCS is simply dormant until awoken by the next, slightest hint of victory. There is hope for sufferers though. Through countless hours of trial and error, Scientists have devised a treatment plan for the severely affected. While no cure exists, every effort is made to preserver the patients quality of life. For most sufferers a course of heinekinetine ( common name Beer) is more than sufficient, but in some severe cases large ammounts of Scothchamine or Mexicanshitoplax (Whiskey and Teuila respectively) have been known to help. Further studies in the causes and cures (especially the latter) are being conducted as we speak, and vast amounts of money is being donated to this cause. There is hope.

In case you were wonder yeah the Sharks put a nice little end to their winning streak. Since I am at an eb in my fandom I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that they lose every remaining match and get rocket out of the this years super 14 faster than the Breyton Paulse can sidestep the taxman.

we're going back marty, back to the future.....

2007-03-22T16:36:00.000-07:00

So I'm feeling especially buoyant today, it could be the nice sunny day in Auckland, or it could be the draino that I use to cut my crack, but one thing is for sure , that helicopter is waaaay to fucking close to my window.

So anyway. instead of half assing my way through another weekend preview where I waste both mine and your time by starting off with predictions and ending up with incoherent ramblings, instead I'm going to focus on the foreseeable future of the South African Teams. I will again omit all forms of statistical analysis, expert research and journalistic integrity and focus instead on conjecture, personal attacks and pictures of half naked women. Time magazine has their way, I have mine.

Stormers.
The Stormers next face the Crusaders at home, they will be given a statistical chance of winning somewhere in the 100ths of a percent. They will defy the odds by actually showing up in the first place, after which they will get cornholed in a big way. They will go on to lose every last one of their next couple of games except for the one against the Sharks . Thereby they not only qualifying as one of the worst SA sides, but also end up fucking it up for the Sharks. Breyton Paulse will get caught driving his Aston Martin at 200 kph down the N2 with 3 hookers and a 4 kilo bag of coke, and will subsequently be awarded with the Cape Town medal of awsomeness.

Cheetahs
The Cheetahs have a bye week, so that means 22 cowboys drunk on ricky lowe, driving around in their hiluxes firing their guns in the air. But at least they'll be doing it as a team. They strike me as the sort of team that drinks together in a bar, one gets into a fight, and then all out hilarity ensues in the form of a great big bar brawl. The captain and 5 of his closest fiends will sit in a jail cell nursing black eyes and bleeding lips. In the end the coach will bail them out they'll have a good old chuckle and win the state championship. (I may have confused my prediction with the plot of every sports film I've ever seen)

Lions
The Lions will absolutely beat the Hurricanes and the Brumbies putting themselves in with a shot at the top 4. only to get nailed by their South African counterparts the Bulls. Once again the African in-fighting will be our undoing, why can't we all just get along? In my perfect future I see everyone just....... no wait, actually all I see is me getting freaky with every one of the FeLions at the same time in a sweaty drunken mess of lithe bodies and lubrication. In my more immediate future I see me having to go to my sexual harassment meeting sporting an engorged penis.

Bulls
They face the Highlanders next, with their full contingent of All Blacks, which equates to 2 fat guys. I figure they'll notch up another win. After that, the Hurricanes, Stormers Lions and Reds, all victories, all ugly, especially the one against the Stormers (not as ugly as last year mind you.) They'll crack the Top 4 which will be awesome, but they'll probably have to go to either Perth or Auckland for the semis. Both places are positively overflowing with expats, meaning a big night on the town, meaning slow hungover Bulls. A not too disgraceful exit from the Super14. Anton Leonard will probably buy a nice little retirement home on the North Shore of Auckland and that would mean that for the next 10 years of super14 he wont have to travel so much to get to the away games.

Sharks
The Sharks are going to beat the Brumbies (duh), after which their Travel period starts. Traditionally the Sharks have not traveled well, However traditionally the Sharks had a midget halfwit for a coach. I think that of the remaining games, they will drop either the Force game (Because everyone seems to just fucking love the force this year) or The Blues (Because that's the game I'm going to, and Karma doesn't like to pass up opportunities to fuck me over.) That said, they'll still be on track for a home semi, until they get dicked by the Stormers in the one game they actually play coherently. Luke Watson will be all like "Ja, you know the team pulled together and uh.. stuck to the game plan and uh... Ja, we came away with the win. I just want to say thanks to all the fans who stuck with in the season.. thanks Joel." Thank you very fucking much captain courageous. You play shit all year long, barely scraping past a Waratahs side that actually wanted to lose just to prove that Tuqiri is an overpaid cock, lose to just about everyone else, until a South African side is in with a shot at our first Super14 title and you piss on our collective battery. Sharks to play the final in Chrischurch, and lose because they can't see the fuckin ball.

So there you go, profanity aside I think that's a fair reflection of the rest of the season. It may be a little negative, but what can I say? the truth hurts, almost as much as a restraining order and sodomy.

Behold this number, for it is the number of a man

2007-03-21T20:24:00.001-07:00

I know this is relatively old news, but it's worth mentioning none the less. The first player to ever manage 6 6'es in an over (in an international match) is a South African. Not just any South African, the same one that was instrumental in securing the highest ever runs chase in an ODI. Imagine if we did get rid of him after that whole pot smoking or match fixing debacle. whew.
Well done Hersh, you deserve a fat zol for that effort.

mid season panic

2007-03-18T20:45:00.000-07:00

I am a worried man, and I'll tell you why. I went to a fancy bar to watch the Lions game. My mistake, because apparently it is customary at a fancy bar to play the rugby on a TV but have the sound muted, and blare gay club anthems vol.1 over the stereo. There was something ironic about watching the Lions get raped to the tune of "Boys of Summer". The Lions lost (Badly) But that's not why I am worried. On Saturday I watched the Bulls get mangled by the Crusaders. I have to say I held out hope that the Bulls might take this one, and if they were ever going to beat the Crusaders at home, this was it, they will never ever have it this good again. Again not the reason I am filled with sickening dread. I was at a Braai and already well into my grossly overpriced pack of castles, so the Stormers Waratahs game flew by in a confusing blur. In the end the Stormers won, and I was drunk . One of those outcomes is very likely the other, a nice surprise, I'll let you decide.

It wasn't until I woke up on Sunday ~~morning~~ late afternoon, when it dawned on me why I am so perturbed. It had nothing to do with the fact that the Castle Lagers I paid a hefty ransom for were actually brewed during the apartheid years and only just made it to NZ for me to buy (Do you have any idea the hangover you get from 13 year old beer?) No I'd already made peace with that. Usually when the Sharks play a 3 am game and I'm too ~~tired~~ drunk to watch, I wake up in the morning sick with the prospect that they may have lost. Without fail, I will wake up on a Sunday, and as soon as I figure out where I am I'll start to piece together the previous night and immediately fear for the Sharks. First however I'll mentally draught up apologetic emails, I even have a template set up.
But I digress, The reason I am so concerned, is that once I had worked through my personal disgrace, there was no concern for the Sharks. The possibility of their loss was never even a factor. And that, dear friends, is what is wrong. I have lost my predisposition to losing. Which only means that the universe is lining me up for a big surprise. I've seen what Crusader fans look like when their team loses. it's like someone turned off the sun. they're bewildered, crying, chewing on their own legs. that sort of shit. Whereas losing used to be a certainty and winning a nice surprise, I now don't think I can deal with a loss Luckily we're playing the Brumbies next, so no problem there.

Weekend Preview

2007-03-14T18:17:00.000-07:00

I've got a little time on my hands, so I thought I' do a Preview for the games this weekend. I figured what the fuck, the five people reading this expect me to write about Rugby every now and then, and since we're in the middle of the biggest rugby tournament (franchise tournament, that is) in the world. I might as well write some shit.

So we got Chiefs v Lions. I've grown to love the Lions a bit during this season (until they fuck up, then it's back to chamber of mediocrity) And the chiefs are so bad, so very bad. that I'm going to give this one to the Lions. On the the subject of the Lions I would like to do an in depth special report on the FeLions. If anyone has any info send it to counterruck@gmail.com, their likes, dislikes, phone numbers, pre-disposition to nude photography. You know, that sort of thing. who knows I might send you a special gift for your troubles. (I may also take your info, and completely ignore you. the more likely outcome.)

Western Force v Reds ....... Ugh, it's so hard making the effort of a prediction when I couldn't give a flying chocolate covered fuck about either team. So go on reds, win this one and further divide the lower end of the table.

Crusaders v Vodacom Bulls. In previous years if you had said to me "Bulls Vs Crusaders at Christchurch" I would've smiled, finished my drink, and jumped in front of a bus. because that is a lose lose scenario. However. this season with it's lack of AB's and the crowding of the top end of the table by South African teams. every beaten NZ team equals more possibility of an SA super 14 trophy. So I hope the Bulls bury the Crusaders. I'm still keeping an eye on that bus though.

Waratahs v Vodacom Stormers. Fuck you Stormers. You make me retract a perfectly legitimate post on your apathy and uselessness by Forrest Gumping your way past a sleeping Hurricanes side. Then you smile sneakily at me while you get reamed by the Brumbies, reamed I tell you. So why don't you go ahead and get fucked by the 6 million dollar man. see if I care.

(I apologise for the overwhelming use of anal sex metaphors. You see the reason, is that I live in Auckland now and it's a very real part of life in the big city.)

Vodacom Cheetahs v Brumbies. I have only once hoped the Cheetahs lose, and that was against the Sharks, for which I can be forgiven. But now I hope they break the Brumbies. It's all mathematical, and in my days as an NSA spook, let me tell you, mathematics can save lives. and that is what it's all about. That, and doing one of the FeLions. (Seriously, you got the address, let me know.)

The Sharks v Hurricanes. No surprises here. I think the Hurricanes are good, but they're playing against the top team in the league, they're away from home, they're all walking around Gateway mall bewildered at the amount of hot girls, and that fiery red thing in the sky. I say half of them don't even show up for the game, let alone keep their mind on playing.

So, there you have it, I didn't predict winners, I didn't give any facts or stats, I didn't really get anywhere to be honest. Some say that, that is the reason why I did not get a SA Blog Awards nomination. That may be true, but the day I need facts or opinions or grammar or literacy to write my blog, that day my friends, is the day the terrorists win.

P.S. those awards SUCK. half the blogs on there don't even write their own shit, they plagiarize and re post and...... I am not bitter, nu uh. not even.

Share it fairly but dont take a slice of my pie.

2007-03-14T14:30:00.000-07:00

What the the hell is Lote Tuqiri going to do with 6 million dollars? First he's going to call up Wendell Sailor and go on the worlds biggest coke and hooker binge. Then he's going to go home and Wonder exactly what he did to deserve this obscene amount of money. He played shit, assaulted one of his team mates on the field, and got 6 mil, Shit! by that logic Corne Krige should be a billionaire by now.

I think I know exactly what happened. The ARU were embarrased at losing Matt Rogers to league, and when Tuiqiri advised them of his own intentions to bolt, they said "Fuck that! I'll be damned if we lose another Wallaby to those glorified touch rugby players. They promised him a million? We'll make it 6 million. And throw in a few t-shirts as well, just to sweeten the deal." All the while Tuqiri is sitting at home watching the progress on the news, masturbating furiously to the idea of getting paid over a million dollars a year for 80 minutes of work a week. I feel sick.

But as they said in the Bible, the ARU giveth, and the ARU taketh away. Days after handing Tuqiri total financial freedom, they gave Clyde Rathbone and Mark Gerrard a nice big "fuck you" in the form of a paycut, presumably to even out the chequebook. It's almost poetic that they did it so soon, and even kept it in the winger department. "Okay boys we got 7 million to spend on wingers, so we've just given Tuqiri 6 of that. The rest we'll divide up evenly." And don't even try to tell me Tuqiri is worth that much more than Rathbone, they're wingers for fuck sake, if they see the ball 4 times in a game they've been busy.

What they could've done with the money.

5. Bribed every team in the world cup. and take it for an unprecedented 3rd time.

4. invested in teleportation research to help combat jetlag in while playing in SA.

3. Bought Loftus (home field advantage for ever.)

2. Bought lunch for Matt Dunning.

1. Pay a team of scientists to regenerate Nick Farr Jones, Michael Lynagh, John Eales and Tim Horan back to their youthful best.

I can just imagine Lote walking into his changing room,

"Hey guys, what's happening?"

-Silent Angry Stares-

"Nice day out there huh? good day for training"

-More Silent anger, some standing up and coming closer-

"What's going on?.... hey!...... let go of me!......... heelp!"

-Lote gets violently sodomised by the entire Wallaby team (Which is not that painful, until it's Georgie Gregan's turn.)-

6 Million dollars is not as much fun when you can't control you bowel movements, or sit down.

the ultimate half-assed update.

2007-03-12T17:18:00.000-07:00

I can only but apologize for the lack of updates, you see, I hauled all my shit from one end of the island to the other, like those lovely people from LOST I have braved weather, terrain, and the OTHERS (blues fans). to bring you this update. I 'm going to go on record and say that Auckland games should be considered home games for all SA teams. I have been here 4 days and I have met TEN South Africans. Fucking TEN!?! I didn't even meet that many when I was in Durban. But that's a good thing. In Wellington I fought a lonely battle against African sporting oppression, I have only just linked up with the rest of the resistance. Though I'll probably find out they're all Stormers fans and they'll hate me more than they hate the Kiwis.

No time for a weekend roundup, Stormers sucked again, Lions didn't suck, but were below par. Sharks were incendiary (it's a word!), and the Bulls were.......... well, Bulls. Habbana made a welcome cameo though. good for him I say, good for him.

is this it?

2007-03-04T21:04:00.000-08:00

Having supported just about every South African sporting team known to man. (including that awkward roman grecco wrestling event.) I can show you a lifetime of despair and near misses. Let's face it, in my adult life, SA sport (rugby in particular) has not displayed a satisfactory statistical curve. Far too often have we been the victims of failure and mediocrity. There have been exceptions, the 95 RWC, that incredible cricket match. but more often than not the rub of the green has sodomised us. What that does to your psyche, is give you a sort of predisposition to failure. "We lost 49 -0?" eh, I can believe that. "We killed and ate the opposition coach" sure, why not. But what it also does is leave you not knowing how to deal with success. Example? this past weekend.

I watched the Cheetahs draw with the Chiefs, the WORST team in super rugby, and I figured "here we go....again." Then the Stormers beat the Hurricanes. Wow, that's very impressive, and very useful, points wise, but we've just cashed in all our karma chips, the rest of the teams are fucked. Then the Bulls beat the Brumbies, away from home. I thought, uh oh, we're dipping into next weeks karma now. Still, a welcome sight. Then I started to panic, the Lions beat the reds, also away from home! The Lions never win away from home, what manner of warlock is responsible for such parlour tricks.

So it's 2AM the Sharks, unbeaten, are about to face the 6 time champions, and we've already made 3 deals with the devil, we have no more souls to give. So we're facing an end to the unbeaten run, right? WELL, so it seemed. The Sharks did just about everything to lose that game, missed chances, aimless kicks, you name it, they did it. Trailing by 6 with no time left, Adi Jacobs breaks free, unloads to Ndungane for a questionable try in the corner. Aah well, good effort, but history has proven that if we can get fucked at a crucial moment, we inevitably will. TMO says try awarded!?!, really? but why? OOH I know why, because it will be a much more dramatic ass-reaming if the kicker misses the kick for the winning points. I forget that there are people supposed to enjoy our misery. See young Ruaan lining up? that's a one in a million kick and he's just going to do it, in overtime for the game. Sure. He's about to become this generations' Ray Finkle. Laces out? And then........he nails it! A cold sweat erupts in me as I await the coming of the four horsemen. surely these victories are blatant heresy, an act against God. How can a week of super rugby go by with no South African Losses?

All I know is that the sky did not turn to blood, the demon did not arise from the seas, and there are 3 SA sides in the top four. On a related note if anyone gave birth over this weekend, please, please check you childs' head for the number 666, I don't mean to scare you but you may have spawned the anti-christ.

SUPER SCARY UPDATE:

Am I right or what?!?! I read this link after posting this. Trust the SA teams to awaken the beast with their winning ways. Baie fokken dankie

erm. yeah so about that whole Mallett thing...

2007-03-02T23:44:00.000-08:00

Sigh. It's never a pleasant task to retract a statement, but it is my duty as an opinionated South African sport supporter to recant my previous sentiment.

The Stormers, after pissing away 4 weeks of rugby, came back to stun one of the hottest looking teams 17 - 30 AWAY FROM HOME. A mere 4 days after I posted about their ego and apathy. I was wrong, and I will gladly sleep with the cheerleader pictured above to make up for it. That is how committed I am to keeping it real. Does that make me a hero? some might say so.

Now there is only one thing left to do..... You suck Sharks, you'll never win, you're egotistical and apathetic...... let's see if that works.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Courtney place to stir some shit.

Stop..... Hammer Time.

2007-02-27T17:55:00.000-08:00

M.C. Mallet has been given the authority to make all rugby related decisions at Western Province Rugby Union. Uh huh... so that leaves what? lunch decisions, fashion decisions, which hand to jerk off with decisions? What are the other 40 000 executive employees going to do with their time? I just don't see it. In South African bureaucracy you will never see just one man in charge, there is usually a comity, run by a board, who's decisions are appealed by an enquiry task force. Fucking democracy, the commies had the right idea. Also I hardly ever believe what this douche says.

I know Mallet has done a lot of great things, he won over hearts in Paris, he did a knock out job coaching the Boks (Except for the Teichman incident, which we no longer speak of) but come on. Is he going to turn the woeful Stormers around? If he had ten years and unlimited resources, it'll still just be Breyton Paulse stealing tries from his "teammates" and Luke Watson scowling because someone somewhere fucked up and now it's 3 points. The biggest problem with the Stormers? The franchise has more ego than a full season of "Entourage" everyone wants personal glory, and couldn't give a fuck about the guy next to him. Ironically then you look at the Cheetahs, the proverbial Yin to the Stormers Yang. They're performing out of their skins, each player thinks only of the game in front of him and the players around him. They don't care about their Nivea for Men endorsement deals, or in what color to get that fabulous SUV. They're just rugby players, no more no less. How can I prove this? Even Marius Joubert looks like a team player in this team, whereas at the Stormers he was the biggest Diva of all.

Good luck Mr. Mallett, I don't know how you plan on fixing this little mess, but what ever you do, don't cut Paulse, because then I'd have nothing to write about.

half assed update.

2007-02-25T19:43:00.000-08:00

This is not one of those situations where I say I'm going out for a pack of smokes, and then never return. Leaving you questioning your worth, and later in life turning strippers and alcohol for comfort. I do have a reason for the lack of updates. You see, I am currently mid move between Auckland and Wellington, trading wind for rain in the process. once I'm all set up it will be back to sarcasm and gratuitous nudity.

Even though my TV is half way up the north Island, I still managed to follow the Lions in an unlikely win, the Hurricanes doing their thing at the end of the game (again). And the Stormers getting corn holed (again)

Speaking of the Stormers, They're in my 'hood at the moment, I saw Brent Russel walking back to his hotel, Gerrie Britz, JD Moller, and Francois Van der Merwe heading to Starbucks (Capitalist swine!!) and Juan Harris was Looking for a new phone at an electronics store. (coming to NZ to buy a phone, is like going to the Amazon to buy a car.....a fucking stupid idea.) That was dig at NZ, Juan, not you, you're huge. What this also means is that the enigma that is "Breyton Paulse" is in town. I am determined to get an interview. Even if I have to sneak into his hotel room.

P.S. The Lions dancers are driving me NUTS!!

I'm Breyton Paulse, BItch!!

2007-02-20T18:53:00.000-08:00

Hey there. Yeah I see you looking at me, the blond cherrie in the 10th row. I think I'll smile at he....... o fok, the balls out of the scrum, gotta pay attention. Okay, it's with Grant, Grant passes to Jean. aaaaan Jean gets tackled. Bliksems, I broke my sexy gaze for this?? next time I'm staying put. Okay, quickly recycled, go blind side.... BLIND SIDE!! Joubert jou p**s. There were only two guys on my side, and you know I could have sidestepped them. I once sidestepped a bullet. True Story.

Alriiight, Looks like the ball got turned over, that means I get to show the losers in the stands my widow-making defense. Yep, I once tackled a man so hard his left ass cheek.....aaag fok, missed him. donnerse ref was in my way, the next one is toast though. Looks like Anesi broke the line... no problem, my cheetah-like explosiveness will show him, and I mean cheetah as in the animal, not those homos from Bloemfontein. Pfft, so what if they have a solid super rugby track record, I'm Breyton Paulse bitch! I make the rules. Here I come Anesi you little Fijian bastard......REEEF! Johno Gibbs tripped me, I was about to bulldoze over Anesi with my blistering speed, and then he tripped me!?! Uh Breyton.... Johno Gibbs is back in Hamilton. He's Injured. Well someone tripped me, that's the only reason Anesis' lower torso is still in working order, the only explanation! I'll let it go this time, next time there going to be KAK!!

Scrum 10 yards out, this is my speciality. Come on Diack you glory boy sonofabitch, paas. Okay Russel has it. Russel, If you steal my thunder I'll donner you back to Durban. What's this pocket rocket kak anyway, I'm the rocket, I'm the Sputnik and the Deathstar combined. Okay you beat that guy, big deal, I could've beaten him. Shit I could've beater him while running backwards whistling "hie kommie bokke". 3 Yards to go, Russel I have a shank in my sock, you pass that ball or... GOT IT. Now I just fall down and lap up the praise.....I don't care if it was only 3 yards, no one in South Africa could've made that try, that was what Jake refers to as "X Factor". Should I thank Brent for gifting me a try? Fuck that. I'll do a backflip. Hey Johnno, you sneaky, tripping bastard, can you do a backflip? No I didn't think so. I'll bet I can fuck every girl in Newlands right now.

It's good to be Breyton.

Weekend Roundup

2007-02-19T13:57:00.000-08:00

Great weekend to support South African rugby, Unless you're a Bulls fan that is, because then you're like the kid in the class who did not score above %60 in the test and therefore no one gets ice cream. Thanks Bulls, thanks for nothing.

The Sharks 23 - 16 Highlanders
This game was tighter than I expected. Callum Bruce, Callumed his way through the game, again. I'm coining a new phrase by the way:
Callum v., (Callums, Callum-ing, Callumed).
v.tr. 1. To error during a game of rugby union, at a high level of consistency
2. To have a rugby ball collide with ones septum in the act of passing from another player

But the most important aspect of this was the return of the Bob. He wasn't on for very long, But he made a few good tackles, all up I will reserve my judgement untill I see him play at least 60 minutes. This was also the first Super14 game that Frans Steyn started at Flyhalf, he's not bad, I think the more he and Ruaan play outside each other, the more likely they will form the nucleus of the future Springbok team (You like that? Nucleus? yeah. Take that Juffrou Meyer, Turns out I CAN write in English, I just didn't do it back then because I was too cool. Too cool for school in fact.)
also SHARKS ARE TOP OF THE LOG. thank you.

Lions 9 - 3 Crusaders
Who the fuck wrote this screenplay?! And I don't care what Fucking Kent Brockman says.
I Still think this was an unlikely outcome. And before Keo says "oooh, but I picked that the Lions would win this one, la di da." Yeah, you also picked the Bulls to win, you self Righteous fucktard, and look how that worked out. Good game though, This young Lions team, seem to be playing better than most other Cats teams before it, and I think we all know what turned it around. Their new cheerleaders, Holy Shit they're hot, I'd gladly sell my '93 honda for a night of passion with all of them. It has good mileage, and a clever bumper sticker involving a sleepy cat. So you know, see what you can do.

Vodacom Cheetahs 30 - 26 Waratahs
I Stayed up to watch this game, and it was well worth it. The thing I like about the Cheetahs (I have said this before, and I will keep repeating it, like an Alzheimer's patient) is that they're not a team of showboats, There are no "Superstars", they're just a talented bunch of players, led by an inspiring captain, with a competent coach. Sounds pretty simple huh? Why is it no other South African team can do the same.

Reds 3 - 6 Brumbies
I try not to user the word, "SuckFest" too much because it's a great word, and I don't want to nullify it's impact through over use. But this was the fucking Olympics of suckfest. the Lowest scoring game in super rugby history? that's great, It's also the the game with the single highest fan fatality rate caused by chewing off their own wrists.

Hurricanes 23 - 22 Blues
Yeah, this was a pretty good game, They really are a talented pair of teams, They propose, In my humble opinion the two greatest threats to a South African finalist. I'm Kinda glad the Hurricanes won, because now the Sharks are the only unbeaten team. But at the same time, I don't want to give the them any more confidence than I have to. They seem to me to be a very mindset based team. If they're distracted by anything If, for instance, a ninja in a Sharks t-shirt, snuck into their changing rooms and wiped human feces all over their game jerseys I think they might have an off game.

Bulls 27 - 30 Western Force
I watched this game twice, and I still can't understand what happened. The Bulls looked good in the forward battle, not too bad on defence, snuck a couple of good tries in And yet with a few minutes to go I look at the scoreboard, and it's panic stations. I think that's what happened to Matfield too, the flow of the game felt to both of us as if the Bulls were cruising to a victory, and that's what lead to a pretty a bad descision, I suspect this is what happened.

Vic: Boys, we haaf a penalty wif free minutes to go, lets go for de linout, Because I am de MAN wif line outs.
Anton Leonard: Ja, but Vic, shouldn't we looks to the scoreboard, I mean it's very possible, we may not actually be in front.
Vic. Jirre Anton, always wif de details. Okay, You tell me what the score is.
Anton:.................I forgot my glasses at home.
Vic: Line out it is den.

Vodacom Stormers 21 - 15 Chiefs
You know, The Stormers are really starting to piss me off. even when they win against arguably the worst team in the tournament, they still make it look as unconvincing as they can without actually losing. The Stormers represent everything that's wrong with SA Rugby, over hyped ageing super stars (read Bryton Paulse) shit defence, reliance on opportunistic tries. and an all round apathy with regards to the game. What is the difference between a courageous W.P. team, and a bullshit Stormers team................? I don't know, what do I look like, Wonder Woman? If you look at the sum of it's parts, The Stormers appear unbeatable (Brent, Shcalk, Luke, Jean, Britz) and yet when you put them together, you get a cocktail that makes you vomit and induces depression (Screw you depth charge, never again.) I suggest we get the worlds greatest scientists in a Room and force them, at gun point, to figure this out. That's how things get solved in S.A.

Celebrity picks (movie phone guy) pt.2

2007-02-14T19:39:00.000-08:00

Hello, and Welcome to Movie Phone. Please press one for This weeks Movies. Press two for......
*beep*

In Cinema four, we take a fascinating look at a world once thought extinct, in the wildlife documentary Reds Vs. Brumbies. Somewhere in the hot Australian outback we meet a specie of homo sapien, scientists have come to call "The Brumbies". Watch, as our camera tracks them through their lives where they interact with each other in 4 letter words, and utilise the high ball as a safety mechanism. They encounter a similar specie Called "The Reds". These species are effectively the same, except mostly for the colour of their bodies, and the little leader of the Brumbies who seems to cause all kinds of grief. Narrated by ~~Steve Irwin~~ Russel Crowe.

In Cinema five we turn back the clock, in the historical epic "The Cheetahs Vs. The Waratahs" In a time when men were men, and women were.... not quite so hell bent on equality, lived a rugged but wealthy farmer named "The Cheetahs". He lived life his way, or the highway. During a particularly violent African storm, a young drifter came knocking in the night. "The Waratahs" was a woman on the run from a past one cannot run from. "The Cheetahs" was a fair man and expected hard work in exchange for food and board, but he did not count on "The Waratahs" creeping into the shallow cracks of his callous heart. Watch as they go from complete strangers to passionate lovers. The only question is, will he be able to deal with it, when her dark past resurfaces. Starring Arnold Vosloo as "The Cheetahs" and Jessica Alba as "The Waratahs".

In Cinema six, it's time to go back to school in the screwball college comedy "Lions Vs. Crusaders". The hapless Lions fraternity just cannot catch a break. By spending their time partying and pulling zany pranks, they now find themselves under the threat of being expelled by the evil faculty, known unofficially as the Crusaders. It's laugh a minute as the Lions find themselves in one crazy situation after another. Can they save their academic lives by fooling the crusaders with a fake spelling bee, while partying the night away in togas, and trying desperately to "do it"? One thing is for sure, you'll leave the cinema with a degree in hilarity!!

Starring ~~John Candy John Belushi Chris Farley~~ ......Larry the Cable guy and Owen Wilson

In Cinema seven, It's all chills and thrills in the Horror "The Sharks vs. The Highlanders". Crystal lake Bay is a quiet beach town with a shocking past. The local teens affectionately named "The Highlanders" live a frivolous life filled with drugs, partying and underage sex. It's all carnal pleasure and opiates, until they realise that something is killing them off, one by one. The old man up the river explains that it is "The Sharks" that hunts them while they copulate. Legend has it the "The Sharks" was a deformed young boy, who built sharp claws in his boiler room, while kidnapping children through a television, and had nails all over his face.......all of that on Halloween, while still remembering what they did last season. Can the children find morality in themselves and defeat the beast, or will they go out humping. Starring Scarlett Johansson, Elisha Cuthbert, and Bruce Campbell as "The Sharks"

Celebrity picks (movie phone guy) pt.1

2007-02-14T18:51:00.000-08:00

Hello, and Welcome to Movie Phone. Please press one for This weeks movies. Press two for......
*beep*
In Cinema one we have "Stormers v Chiefs." In this charming romantic comedy, we meet "The Stormers", a goofy, lovable ditz with a heart of gold, who always ends up on the losing end of life. She spends her life aimlessly drifting along from one romance to another, craving only material satisfaction, until she meets the rugged, down on his luck, farm boy, "The Chiefs". At first they can't seem to get along, their fundamental differences proving just too difficult to overcome. But as they are thrown from one kooky adventure to the next, they realise how perfect they are for each other. Starring Reese Witherspoon as The Stormers, and Hugh Jackman as The Chiefs.

In Cinema two we meet Lt. Bulls and his rookie partner Force. Two cops from different backgrounds, forced together in the buddy cop action movie "Bulls Vs. Force". Lt. Bulls is tough, uncompromising and abrasive. Growing up under the African sun has given him the killer instinct that keeps him alive. When Bulls' partner dies on the job, he is assigned to partner up with Force, a wise-cracking city boy, with a flair for theatrics. The two immediately clash and sparks fly, but when an international crime syndicate threatens world peace, they must set aside their differences and do what they do best. Starring the Rock as Lt. Bulls, and Matthew Perry as Force.

In Cinema Three, set your phasers to FUN!! as we embark on the epic Sci Fi journey Blues Vs. Hurricanes. On a planet far, far away called Wellington the solar winds have rendered the landscape barren and lifeless. The neighboring planet Auckland decides to send a small scout ship of 15 space marines to conquer and establish a colony on Wellington, but they found more than they bargained for. It's all out space war as the Auckland space marines encounter the local species of mutants called Hurricanes. Will the Hurricanes fight to Retain their way of life, Or will the Blues' Space marines claim another useless planet? Starring Temuera Morrison, and WWE superstar Rowdy Roddy Piper as the Hurricane mutant 'Tito'. Directed by Peter Jackson.

This old man, He played Flank.....

2007-02-13T14:33:00.000-08:00

I've heard rumors that Skinstad is set to play for the Sharks this weekend. This will finally settle the question as to whether 30 year olds should still be allowed to play. It's been quite a year for geriatric comebacks, Rocky came out of retirement to fight one last time (hopefully), Sting and the Police reunited and Anton Leonard jumped out of his wheelchair to help the Bulls. All of these attempts were valiant (if not overly successful.) but none of them managed to inspire the same emotion as the first time around. To be fair, it's rare that someone comes out of retirement better, or at least as good as they were, Jordan, Lomu, all tried, all failed. Except, that is, for George Foreman.

For all you younger readers out there, Yes, the fat guy who sells grilling machines. Foreman Attained the rank of World Heavyweight Champion in 1973 beating Joe Frazier. He retired in '77, became a preacher, only to re-enter the ring in 87. He kept losing title fights until 1994 when he knocked out Micheal Moorer in the 10th despite trailing badly on the cards, to take the WBO World heavyweight title at the ripe old age of 45. So before we start making jokes about pensions and reruns of Matlock. We should remember what George Forman said: "This Grill will knock the fat outta that piece of meat!!" Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, good luck Skinstad, you show those neigh Sayers.

SA Blog awards 2K7.

2007-02-12T13:56:00.000-08:00

Doing this, writing about sports, having a conduit to excrete my unpopular opinion. That's a treat in it's own. I don't need any validation, or recognition. Blogging is it's own reward.

Yeah that's Bullshit, please vote for me in the upcoming SA Blog awards. I'm not saying I'm going to do something stupid if I don't get nominated, but I should mention that I have a quart of whiskey and a full bottle of Quaaludes.... I'm just saying is all.

P.S. If you would be so kind, you should also vote for AJ Venters' Blog To hear from actual players is a real treat.

Weekend Roundup

2007-02-11T19:08:00.000-08:00

Another week, and though slightly less dissapointing, still not great. All I want is exciting rugby, wingers scoring tries, centers breakling lines, New Zealanders Losing (at least I got some of that this weekend.) But it's still a long way to go and I suppose I should be thankful that the Sharks are still unbeaten.

Crusaders 33 Reds 22
This was probably the closest it got to a descent game, but since it was an Aus and Nz team I spent most of the night staring at the bar girls' rack rather than the projector. For what it's worth, that was entertaining too. Still the Crusaders were always going to win this one, no surprise.

Stormers 3 Western Force 22
I'm trying to make sense of this, but I am failing. How can a team that on paper looks the strongest (except for maybe the Sharks) and have a wealth..... neigh, a Cornocopia of Springbok talent in their squad, fail to score a single try, AND concede 22 points to a team of nobodies. I am speechless. Look, all I can say is that this is like the beginning of a Rocky movie. He loses, and loses and then due to some life changing event, turns things around and wins the love and admiration of everyone while teaching his oponent a valuable lesson in humanity. So expect a thrilling finale with lots of pumping music, and an oscar to follow.

The Sharks 22 Waratahs 9
This was a pretty good game, I'm still not happy with the ammount of useless kicking downfield, and the terrible option taking. What I am happy with is the defence, At the risk of karmically fucking my team, I'd like to compare this years Sharks to this years' Bears team in the NFL. Not the greatest offensive line in the world, but entirely capable of winning games on defence. And for the record they do not posess a sex cannon (thank God).
Oh and P.S. somebody listened to my request, and brought back the push-up guys. For my next request, I'd like the sharks girls to jello-wrestle naked at half time. Thanks in advance .

Chiefs 32 Hurricanes 39
yeah, not bad, I knew Tana would ultimately be the difference between this and last weeks' 'Canes his innate Tana'ness just seems to elevate the 'Canes. But you know what, I'm seeing a lot of cracks in the NZ teams. The loss of their stars must be a huge psycological blow. Oh well, maybe we'll get a few wins in, and the kiwi's have a reason to moan. everybody wins.

Brumbies 15 Blues 17
The Blues are looking pretty good so far, only them and the Sharks remain unbeaten, and unlike the Sharks, the Blues had to do it against the Crusaders and Brumbies both past Super Rugby winning teams. I think they might end up being a handfull. One thing is for sure, if the Blues do make the finals against an SA team, It will be a cosmic anomally where 3/4 of New Zealand will suppport an SA team, and in doing so will rip hole through time and space. Thanks again New Zealand, Love your work.

Bulls v Cheetahs
Just Like I thought, tough forwards scrapping for ball while the backs looked average. Both teams have such incredible talent in the loose that I can't see too many teams run over them. It has to be said though, what a try by Habanna. Does it make up for a years' worth of mediocrity? probably not, but it was great to watch. I can't wait to see what these two monsters do to the Australasian teams. Remember the last time Ritchie McCaw ran into Richard bands? Neither does he.

Lions 11 Highlanders 6
Well, Well, Well. Look who decided to show. I mentioned that when the Lions win, it's a bit like finding money on the street...... then winning the lottery......... then hooking up with Scarlett Johansson. Not the same level of awesomeness, but the same level of unlikeliness. That is, unless the opposition flyhalf actually gift wraps the win, sends it via registered post, and then calls you up to ask if you received it ok. Callum Bruce had about as bad a game as any human being had in the history of time. Yes his kick offs were a bit short, and his kicking out of hand a bit inaccurate, but missing a pass from your scrumhalf, only for the ball to hit you square in the face? That is karma telling you it really doesn't like you. I suspect that immediately before the game he burned down an orphanage or something. because no man can be that cosmically cursed. If the Lions beat the Crusaders next week,I'm cancelling my insurance, because we are surely on the eve of the apocalypse. (Who am I kidding?........ I don't have insurance.)

Last Though. My God, did you see the Lions cheerleaders? no wonder Callum had such a bad game. In a straight choice between staring at the incredible half naked FeLIONS (not my word by the way) or concentrating on catching and kicking, well... lets just say I would let my scrumhalf's balls hit my face all day long. (Hang on ...What?)

2007-02-09T04:42:00.000-08:00

Howzit.

I'm not going to lie to you, I've had allot to drink. I met the Fijian light heavyweight boxing champion tonight. If you were wondering, he reckons Ali wound kick Tysons' ass in a straight fight, and who would disagree, seriously.

Hurricanes won. Just like I said.

good night

Of Course it's Sports realated

2007-02-08T17:49:00.001-08:00

.....She's playing tennis aint she?

Weekend Picks 9/02/07

2007-02-08T11:29:00.000-08:00

OK what've we got....

Crusaders v Reds
Hmm, I can't see the Crusaders losing 2 in a row, that would be a world gone Topsy turvy, especially at home. Robbie Deans would shit a brick if his team was fickle enough to fall to pieces after losing one or two players (or like 9).

Stormers v Western Force
Come on. You have to give this one to the Stormers, I mean, I know they play like little girls sometimes, and they consistently piss away all the talent they have at their disposal, and they insist on leaving Russel on the bench in favour of a rookie that can't attack for shit. But it's the Force?!?!?! You could probably grab some hippies off table mountain, stick them on the field, "mid-trip" and they'd still win, (Ok, well draw at least.)

The Sharks v Waratahs
I'm a little concerned about this one. The Sharks did a good job against the Bulls last week, but let's be honest the bulls were shite. I think if Butch has one of his ON days, the 'Tahs might have a hard day. I also think that the rookies in the Sharks team have got those first game jitters out of the way. Watch Kankowski, Pienaar and Steyn make up for the shit they served up last week. I also think that the hottub girls at every Kings Park game (It'll always be Kings Park) will have an effect on the Waratahs. I mean, have you ever tried running around with an erection? I have. (Running around, running away, same thing.)

Chiefs v Hurricanes
I'll give this one to the Hurricanes, but only because Umaga's back. Never under estimate the impact of a strong leader in a Kiwi team. In Fact, when they don't have a strong leader, look what happens (Crusaders anyone).

Brumbies v Blues
I'll have to say Brumbies. They did nothing wrong last week, and even thought the Blues are not bad this year, I guarantee Flavell gets sent off, and the Brumbies capitalise and score the winner. And I guarantee that this is the sexiest sportsbolg in the world. You can take that to the bank.

Bulls v Cheetahs
This is going to be a pretty good clash, both teams have great talent and can more than handle themselves. but I suspect it's going to turn into a cock measuring contest. it's going to be forwards bashing into each other, and backs staring menacingly, while dancing. not a pleasurable viewing experience, but I'll be drunk all the same.

Lions v Highlanders
Sigh... If there's one thing growing up in JoBurg prepares you for, it's a lifetime of disappointment. That's why I can safely bet on the Lions, and if (when) they lose I can welcome my old friend, heartache, back for a few beers. But as Jason Lee once said, "The sweet is never as sweet without the sour" So on the occasions that the Lions do win, birds fly a little slower, the sun shines a little brighter, and pretty girls smile a little longer. those are the days that make the pain worthwhile.

New section.

2007-02-05T00:31:00.000-08:00

What Dino Saw. Yes I know it's cheesy, but that's the name of the section. Dino highlights some of the things that happened over the weekend that are either really good, or really bad. in the case of this weekend, Dino wishes he was blind.

Butch James' offload. If he was playing in the NBA that would've been a "Sports Center play of the day" quality assist. He bolted straight. Looked ahead. And flung a no look pass behind his back straight to JP Peterson, who ran it in. Somewhere he developed these little deft touches that are really starting to make a difference. And dino also saw him hit JP Nel like a cruise missile.

Nash thanked Butch for the quality assist.

Schalk Burgers' Absence. I'm not going to go to hard on the guy, Let's face it, he is a fucking legend. And he has spent an awful lot of time playing Xbox, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Devin Hester' Kick off return. If you're going to impress people at the biggest event of the year, THAT is how you do it. Too bad Rex (Sex Cannon) Grossman couldn't come to the party.

Weekend Roundup.

2007-02-04T11:02:00.000-08:00

After all the pre season hype and excitement, and soiled underwear, this is the shit I get. This weekends' rugby really did nothing to impress me. I really hope this is what you call a slow start, because if this is what I have to look forward to for the next 12 weeks, I'm going to turn this into a blog about the magical art of self-felatio.

BLUES 34 Crusaders 25
This one made me smile a little. The Crusaders are like the Yankees, I love seeing them lose even if it is to another NZ team. Unfortunately the Blues are like the Yankees also, in that they're arrogant fucks when they win. A better result would've been if both teams succumbed to a 0 - 0 draw due to a 12 week bout of food poisoning.

FORCE 7 Highlanders 8
This game sucked!! I watched some of it at a bar, and made rest up as I was walking home. This game ultimately proved that the Force aren't very good and that the highlanders are slightly better.

LIONS 16 Warratahs 25
Laugh all you want, but the Lions still looked better than most teams this weekend. At least they managed to cross the fucking try line. That's more than I can say for many other teams. And I'm not one to blame referees, I think it's cheap and childish. But that bastard totally screwed them. Chris Grobler gets nailed for the most marginal of obstructions, and then Phill Waugh runs around picking up blocking assignments like a fucking NFL running back, and gets rewarded with a Rocky Elsom Try!!

CHIEFS 15 Brumbies 21
I didn't even watch this one. but from what I heard the real winners were the crowd from Hamilton. That place is like one big trailer park.

REDS 25 Hurricanes 16
Henry must be a little nervous right now. As it turns out removing all of your All Blacks from the Super 14 may impact one or two of the teams. Especially a team that relies almost entirely on AB's for their forward pack. Thankfully the people of Wellington were SO drunk over the weekend, due to the sevens, I don't think many of them even noticed.

SHARKS 17 Bulls 3
I Worked until 3:30AM, Then came home and stayed up until 8AM to watch this suck-fest. I am a reasonable guy. I don't think I'm being overly critical in asking, why can't anyone catch a goddamn rugby ball, and why, for the love of GOD!! are all South Africans stricken with a disease that makes them instinctively kick a ball as soon as they touch it. In the immortal words of Homer Simpson "Those are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked." And all of our SuperStars? exactly, Bryan Habbana is quickly becoming our version of Randy Moss (Promising Rookie, progressively sucks more and more on the way to ignonimity), and Frans Steyn and Ruaan Pienaar showed some pretty bad decision making out there. The only glimmer of hope was Butch James, a fucking sublime off-load was directly responsible for JP Petersons' relatively easy try. The Only thing that sucked more than the game was Ettiene Fynn. However he did get it almost right at halftime, "It's a Hot day out there and I have a feeling the players are going to be blowing in the second half" No No Ettiene, they've been blowing all day long.

CHEETAHS 27 Stormers 9
Being a South African Living in NZ I have the benefit of 5 teams to choose from instead of only one. Sure I have my hometown favourites. but when it comes right down to it I'm just glad when a South African team performs. The Cheetahs performed quite nicely, The Stormers played like overpaid nancy boys. Juan Smith is my Pick for Springbok Captain. He's like Gary Teichman, only faster, and blonder, and plays flank (So not that much then.) the most heart-breaking sight, was that of Brent Russel sitting on the bench while his teammates were getting sodomised. Always a Bridesmaid 'ey Brent.

P.S. What the hell is up with those numbers, It took me half an hour to realise they changed the font, and that it wasn't the yeagermeister talking.

Danie Gerber

2007-02-03T02:37:00.001-08:00

Where did we find him? And can we get another one?

Thanks to Joey from nadoes for unbeknownst to him, supplying me with this marvelous footage.

Rum and coke.....yeah, why not.

2007-02-02T04:59:00.000-08:00

Firstly, let me get this out of the way... I am hammered. DRONK. I just got back from the sevens, I can't recall any rugby per say. But I do recall 5 ladies dressed like wonder woman. I tried to show them my lasso of truth but they declined.

I do remember the Crusaders getting stuffed, and the Force barely losing to the hicks from Otago. A more coherent report will follow shortly. Before you even need to ask, "who blogs when they're this pissed". I do. And I do this for you, the fans, I dont ask much, the odd beer, maybe a blowjob from the finer female fan. But mostly I do this out of love, love of blow jobs. you have my email address.

Good night.

EDIT: I just got an email from the one of the mighty KSK boys. How cool am I? let's just say scientists cannot calculate that number.

I almost completely forgot....

2007-02-01T17:46:00.000-08:00

Not only is it the SuperBowl, and the start of the Super14 this weekend, it is also the Wellington 7's, right here in uh.. Wellington. I don't know how I managed to miss all the hype though, for Kiwis it's one of the biggest events of the year, second only to the National Sheep Shearing Competition. I took a walk around town at lunch time, and I'll tell you, I have not seen that many slutty nurses, slutty cops and slutty construction worker girls in a long time. (well since my 2 hour special Internet time in the office this morning.)

For those who don't know much about the sevens, it's like this. It's like rugby, but instead of 15 players, each team only has 7. Instead of 40 minutes, each half of rugby only lasts 7 and instead of 10's of millions of people believing in it's authenticity as a sport there are only....7. Don't get me wrong It's a fun event and any social situation that makes it okay for girls to get drunk wearing only togas is totally cool. But I don't really think of it as a legitimate form of rugby. Don't tell the people of Fiji though, other than almost killing Keith Richards (quite impressive, given that all the drugs and guns in the world couldn't even come close), 7's rugby is really the only thing they got.

Of course my stance on this may change if South Africa win it here in Wellington. If so, I will see you bitches on Courtney Place and you will kiss the South African flag painted on my bare white ass.

Bulls on parade

2007-02-01T00:52:00.000-08:00

I suppose it is conceivable to fear this current Bulls squad, I mean they boast 13 Springboks, more than any other Super14 franchise. They have, by far, the most impressive track record in Super Rugby. And don't forget they have the mystical mojo of Steve Hofmeyer guiding them. Still I'm not worried, They don't call it the Shark tank for nothing (Obvious reasons aside.) The crowd, spurred on by that little shark midget, should give those Tshwane boys a go. You know what they should bring back though? Those banana boys that did all the push ups when the Sharks scored, and then they should also have them there when the dolphins play cricket (and not just the ODI's) Make those bastards do pushups for 5 days solid, that'll teach them.

Tshwane Bulls:
Johan Roets; Akona Ndungane, JP Nel, Wynand Olivier, Bryan Habana; Derick Hougaard, Fourie du Preez; Anton Leonard, Wikus van Heerden, Pedrie Wannenburg, Victor Matfield (captain), Danie Rossouw, Danie Thiart, Gary Botha, Wessel Roux. Reserves: Derick Kuun, Jaco Engels, Francois van Schouwenburg, Hilton Lobberts, Nicholas Eyre, Morne Steyn, Marius Delport.

SJAAAAKS:
Have not named their team yet. HMMM..... Psyc Warfare. ITS OOOON.

The Saints are coming!!!

2007-01-31T17:50:00.000-08:00

Shit, I had that title planned as my lead up post to the SuperBowl over 4 weeks ago, and now it's redundant.
This weekend is important for more than just the start of the Super 14, for Instance it is also the 20 year anniversary of the people of the South Island of New Zealand discovering fire. But more importantly it is the SuperBowl. This event is the basis that all sporting finals shout aspire to

The game takes place in Miami, Florida, regardless of the fact that neither competing team is from Florida. The reason for this is that the decision on where to host the most important domestic fixture is made based on venue compatibility. Weather being a big factor, as well as logistics and the ability to accommodate the enormity of the event. I mean, without that level of planning, you may have a final being played somewhere where the weather is so SHIT!! that the players themselves can't see 3 feet in front of them. I mean, that'd be pretty fucking embarrassing wouldn't it.

Cheerleaders, an underrated, yet hugely important part of the over all atmosphere of the game, take this for example:

Six members of the elite Philadelphia Eagles CheerleadingHollywood Beach, Florida, for "Beauties on the Beach" - an NFL-sponsored cheerleader challenge taking place Saturday, February 3, at 2 p.m. ... The Eagles cheerleaders... will compete against cheerleaders from the Houston Texans, WashingtonNew Orleans Saints, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, MiamiBuffalo Bills, and Jacksonville Jaguars in the two-hour challenge. squad are heading down to Redskins, Dolphins,

What do men love? Sports, beer and breasts (and the occasional quilt making, but that falls outside of the scope of this conversation). Is it so inconceivable to combine them in one beautiful event. The only reason this has not happened in the Super 14 is because a South African team has not hosted a Final (Woe is me, i know.) But hear this, SuperBowl in Florida = Super14 Final in Durban. And before you ask, I don't have to ask myself how ridiculous that sounds, because if I let a little thing like facts get in the way of me talking, I'd never say a word.

Off Season Training Schedule, my ass!!

2007-01-30T19:40:00.000-08:00

So 'Ol Puff Larry's been taking it a bit easy over Xmas. Turns out Sephaka rocked up to the Lions camp and and when Loffie said "Raak die draad" Larry was unable to comply. As usual Walter Cronkite was all over this like a rash. Sensationalist bullshit aside, I guess if you're paid to do something you're expected to perform........ wait a minute, I just wrote that, on my blog that I am updating from work, while a nasty pile of documentation is staring at me like dead hooker needing to be dealt with. So what this means is that some people cut the corners of productivity and in doing so, take back a little humanity that is robbed from them when they walk through those gray doors they call WORK!!! SO... before we start asking ourselves why Larry didn't train over Xmas, maybe we should be asking ourselves: "how much poon tang did Larry get over Xmas." Because if I understand things correctly (and I rarely don't) rugby players fly around in chartered planes, drink Krystal, party in Las Vegas and sleep with supermodels. and you know it's true.

P.S. While searching for a picture of Puff Larry, I accidentally came across this, click HERE if you want, but be warned it's somewhat unsettling. Anyone ever seen EraserHead?

Weekend Picks 2/02/07

2007-01-29T13:19:00.000-08:00

I fully intend to give my predictions for each weeks Super 14 Love fest. (Keep in mind I also fully intended on becoming a super spy, but look how that worked out.) It's a simple concept fairly similar to WithLeathers Weekly Picks, home team all in caps.

BLUES vs. Crusaders.
I don't really care to be honest. the only reason I'd watch this is to see how, if at all, helpless the crusaders are without their guns. and by guns I mean Ritchie and Danny. I'll go Blues only because I'm moving a to Auckland and need some Karma.

FORCE vs. Highlanders
Eh, Again I can't say I'm overly excited about this. Matt Giteau is going to look like Jesus the magician among all these losers. I'm going to go Force, only because I don't believe any one of the highlanders have ever seen the sun. It may freak them out.

LIONS vs. Warratahs
Now we're fuckin talking. I think one of two things will happen the Lions will let rip and eat Phil Waugh's mullet. or they will lay down and get violated, thinking to themselves, "I'm sure I've been here before?" The optimist in me however is well aware of the fact that the Lions have never lost a Super 14 match (The Cats on the other hand got fucked up several hundred times.)

CHIEFS v.s Brumbies
Another Trans-Tasman Suckfest. And whats worse? no fucking cheerleaders. NEXT.

REDS vs. Hurricanes
I have only a mildly vested interest in this one. See I live in Wellington and I've met a few of the players so I kinda hope they do ok. they've been pretty unlucky throughout the competition. The only time they ever got to a final they were forced to do it like the Karate kid and play blind. So I'm going away team on this one.

SHARKS vs. Bulls
This is going to be a big one. The Last time they met, the Sharks did everything to get to a semi final, only for the Bulls to pick one big "fuck you" out of their pockets and hand it to them.
Keep in mind though, the Sharks have all the talent in the world at their disposal and the Bulls don't exactly have anything new to offer, just more of the same. Which wasn't bad to begin with.
So expect a big match but remember, win or lose, the Sharks will always have the hottest girls in hottubs. and that is what really counts.

CHEETAHS vs. Stormers
I can see this match being quite exciting. Typical clash of Boer vs. Hippy. and that's always fun. Having said that I have all the respect in the world for Luke Watson. In one season of Curry Cup he has restored at least a little of the former WP glory, Which just once again proves my point that when you select a captain, don't go for a girly backline player, get a hard motherflanker.

That Concludes our Picks for the weekend, all the picks from now on will be shorter (if at all) This is just the bumper first edition. If your wondering about the picture read this. After that I want all you hot girls reading this, (no not you grandma) to don various t-shirts of a similar nature and send me the pictures. example "Fuck Da hurricanes", "fuck da Brumbies".

good night and good luck.

I see dead Samoan people (....in the world cup.)

2007-01-22T23:26:00.000-08:00

I just got back from a jet set Holiday set in the mystical locations of Hong Kong, and Ballito... okay I realize when I talk like this I sound like THAT cock , But that's where I was.

In my previous post I made mention that there were no notable sporting events going on. EHHHH! wrong.

Samoa got their steinlager-loving asses spanked by every super 14 franchise in SA (even the Lions)

The two great NFL match ups I wanted to watch (Pats - Chargers, Saints - Bears ) Both went against my wishes.

and Graeme Smith is still trying to find his batting form, which I suspect is buried somewhere with Jimmy Hoffa.

So.... Based on these events I think I'll make a few predictions

For every RWC 2007 match, Samoa are going to send on only seven players, play for only seven minutes per half and hope no one notices.

After February, Peyton Manning is going to make everyone kiss his rings (SuperBowl as well as sphincter)

Graeme Smith is going to beg Minki to take him back because I think when they were together was the last time he managed to keep his middle stump up.

Now if you don't mind I think I'm going to don my Gucci's and ogle the angels at Caprice (Shit!! I'm doing it again.)

Post Traumatic stress.

2007-01-10T08:17:00.000-08:00

get it.....? I'm traumatically stressed from having to post something. (if I have to explain it to you it's just not woth it anymore.)

Anyhoo. So the holliday season is over (not for me though, i'm still lying on a beach sipping maitais ...or you know, something less gay.) and as it turns out we're in that funk between New years, and the start of the Super 14 season, otherwise known as the black hole between sporting events, I still have nothing to write about. So instead I'm going to make two lists, one things to look forward to in the season ahead, and one... not so much.

Can't wait for:

*The Sharks. Seriously, I cannot wait to see what tricky Dicky does with the wealth of Talent he has at his fingertips. Frans, Bobby, Butch..... oh the humanity.

*SA Cheerleaders. Our teams may get fucked 6 ways from sunday every second game, but we're still the only teams to field skimpy clothed women, some in hottubs and bikinis. Is that concidered a moral victory?...that's what it says in the bible.

Not So good.

* Commentators. I've said it before and I'll say it again why can't we find some interesting commentators. I'm sure they're out there. But if I have to hear Cowley, Fynn, and Garth (couldn't pronouce his own fucking name) Wright, fumble around each other like a special olympic orgy, one more time, I am going to jam my beer glass in my eye.

*Kiwi Smugness. They're a little apprehensive the 'ol Ovis Aries infatuous, since most of their star players will be sitting back drinking beers while a few amatures are called upon to represent the mighty Crusaders and Hurrincanes. They've already prepared their speaches for if(when) they lose.

"to whom it may concern,
If bloody Henry didn't rest Carter and McCaw, we would've won, and if we weren't busy climbing a mountain we would've cured world hunger.
thank you.
P.S. Lord of the Rings is the best movie trilogy ever.
signed:
a Kiwi"

But if they win..... they will remove their phalluses and ejaculate all over Christchurch and declare that even with no All Blacks, they still fucked us over. And they'll be right.

*Mid Season Decline. That time of year when all the SA teams start missing home and boerewors, and Egoli and they start playing like pussies, kicking the ball away aimlessly, reverting to playing touch rugby instead. and I'm left to pick up the pieces. Well no more you lazy fuckers, i now posess a tool so powerful, so awe inspiring that you will submit to my rule. I have a blog.

A detailed plan to win the world cup (..the first 5 weeks.)

2007-01-01T08:24:00.000-08:00

If the above title lead you to believe that I spent last night conjuring up logistical strategies to win the coveted webb ellis, then I apologize, I spent the night trying to get up off the floor multiple times. You will get no sense from me today, my head hurts, my neck is stiff?? and I can still smell black label all over me. I'm off to bed, here's a picture of Minki.

P.S. One thing, I did go to the same movie as AJ Venter today. Does that make me a hero? I dunno, but that's what my t-shirt says.

Land of sunshine (...and fortune is smiling upon you)

2006-12-29T23:08:00.000-08:00

Apologies for the long gap (I know. I shouldn't have to apologize, but I feel I owe it all my readers, both of you) I am currently in South Africa for the holidays, Ballito more specifically. Home to the sublime AJ Venter. Also over the last two weeks, home to many, many Lions, and Cheetahs supporters. They certainly know how to represent their unions. Speedo's covered by a cheetahs jersey (thank fuck) double brandy and coke in one hand, cigarette in the other. They are quite a sight. They come in two flavours, standard and extra crispy (the ones who managed to pass out next to the pool.) Although to be fair after living in New Zealand for the last 5 years, or more aptly the land of the long white fuckall sunshine. I got me some serious sunburn too.

I have no sports to talk about, all I've done so far is drink and perv.

P.S. the picture above is meant to explain two things, cheetahs fans in general, and the color of my skin after I passed out next to the pool with a double brandy and coke in one hand and a cigarette in the other. ( hypocrite? you betcha!)

2007 Super 14 preview (A.K.A shit that probably wont happen)

2006-12-18T19:03:00.000-08:00

To me the super 14 season is allot like sex, I start off all excited and nervous and go in with the best of intentions. Half way through I get terribly concerned over my guys' performance, and in the end it's over before it should be, and I'm left alone and miserable having learnt new sad things about myself. But this year will be different.

First I'd like to look at the South African teams, surprise. On paper we have some of the greatest teams in the tournament, stop laughing, I'm serious. The Bulls have the kind of game plan where they win games using only 2 props a hooker, one flank, one number 8 and a Flyhalf. The other guys just dance around doing fuckall, consequently they don't actually know what to do with the ball when they do see it.

The Cheetahs are the ultimate Hollywood underdog team. A team of rag tag nobodies, lead by an inspirational leader, with a young coach up against the odds. All held together by nothing more than pure heart. They will go through the season being tested at every turn which will only bring them closer together, and show everyone who doubted them that blah blah blah... then they get stuffed by the Crusaders. draw curtain

The stormers are a bunch of overpaid prettyboys, and I used to love them above all. Facts however speak for themselves. If they can bring what they had in the curry cup with them, then we may see a different team. Until then I remain sceptical and somewhat amused, and a little hungry.

The Lions, the poor Lions. They remind me of that kid in High School who broke his leg, while getting stung by a bee, in the process of picking up his books, that fell out of his bag as he was getting molested by a donkey.(Thats a true story by the way, you know who you are.) They just cannot catch a break. I can't help but feel that in a previous life the Lions brunt down a kindergarten and Karma is fucking them in the ass.

Then there are the Sharks. I honestly believe we have found our first real contender to a super14 title. They have a solid front row (nothing more, nothing less). The have, not one, not two but THREE quality flyhalves. The Bob is back. AJ Venter is still the hardest thing under the African sun. And yet even without all of that, they have the wunderkind Francois Steyn. If he does not turn out to be the greatest rugby player since Willie John mcBride then I will eat my copy of EA Sports Rugby 2006, (turns out I still have some room left after making a similar bet involving EA Sports Rugby 2005 and Jorrie Muller, bastard)

I'll get to the Kiwi and Aus teams later. but i think we can all agree that Bikini Bullriding is the greatest sport of all time (Wait, where was i going with this....?)

Bobby's Back! (and you're gonna be in touble?)

2006-12-18T11:57:00.000-08:00

As I'm sure you all know by now Bob Skinstad will be joining The Sharks franchise in next years Super 14. I love the Sharks, that being said that's not the only reason I'm excited

I am also incredibly excited about the return of mister Skinstad in general, and here's why. You know who I always admired as a sportsman? Gary Player. Here's a man who was at the top of his game, smart, eloquent, and from what I understand from my grandmother, made all the ladies a little crazy when he was young. And yes, I feel just as weird saying that as you feel hearing it. What we lack in South African sport lately is ambassadors, The kind of guys you actually look forward to hearing interviews with, Not the guy who repeats the same cliche in every. fucking. interview. Assuming he gets the words out at all.

That's where I think Skinstad comes in. I've heard his commentary and game analysis in the UK, he's very entertaining. (By the way Bob, you're "with me leather" comment was not lost me, excellent little piece of social satire there.") And he's the kind of guy that can get hot chicks to go to the rugby who ordinarily wouldn't, and that, my friend, is the greatest gift of all

The off season (...and other fairytales.)

2006-12-17T22:32:00.000-08:00

The Holiday season brings a time of reflection for most South African sports fans, Other than the current India cricket tour (which lets face it, is as exciting as an infomercial) there's not a lot to do but think, and reminisce on the year past...... you're right, that is too painful, so lets look at something else. How much is the Super 14 becoming like the NFL enterprise in the U.S.

In it's infancy the Super 10 was nothing more than a hand full of provincial teams from SA, NZ and Aus playing each other. It wasn't really seen as a world class tournament. Now we have regional franchises with brand recognition, inter-franchise player trading, clever logos, cheerleaders, corporate sponsorships, the similarities are endless. I think it's time we stole a few more ideas from them.

Halftime shows!! How about that? It's Half time at the Super 14 Final (We can call it the SuperCup) we're at Absa Stadium, the Sharks are leading the Blues 14 to 12, and as the teams come off, 2 dozen cheerleaders come running onto the field followed by an elaborately designed float with the Rolling Stones playing "Start me up". Okay so we might have to settle for Zola, but you get the Idea.

And what about creating some NFL style Mega-Stars. Sure we have Big Joe, Schalkie and Habanna, but let's put our franchise marketing guru's on the job and Make them as loved by the public as LaDanian Tomlinson, Tom Brady and Tough 'ol Brett Favre are to the yanks. (Yes realise you may not know who they are, but trust me the Yanks love them more than Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny combined)

And Last but not least, Lets get some entertaining fucking commentators. Don't get me wrong I like Naas, he does have some personality, makes a few good cracks and has a solid analysis of the game, but the rest of them? are you kidding me, Ettiene Fynn? he played what? 2 games 10 years ago and now he's a sports celebrity?

Just a little bit of style, that's all I ask.

First Post. (here's to a long line of inventive titles)

2006-12-17T20:35:00.000-08:00

There are many reasons why people wake up one day and say: "you know what, I think I'll start a blog." Some feel they are chosen as moral and intellectual crusaders providing a voice for those that have none, Idealists that want to fight oppression and misinformation with a powerful, accessible tool. Others are just so damn annoying, that if they talk to other people they get punched, hard, in the crotch. I am the latter, and you can't reach my crotch from there, so screw you.

I chose sports as my main topic, because I like sports, and before you venomous critics start hassling me, Yes my blog will be similar to those untouchable oracles of truth such as WithLeather, Deadspin, and the hilarious kissing Suzy Kolber, in fact sometimes they will be exactly like that, as much so as the law allows. One difference is that my blog will focus mainly on South African sports, and personalities (Yes I see the irony there). I will also sometimes make fun of teams, players, coaches, (Ehrm... other South African Sports bloggers) Because I think someone has to.

So here's to the wonderful world of anonymous verbal attack. God bless freedom.